Alien invasion 3.0

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Quote:
How do you resolve that stuff? Talking with him at this point, even in MC, is just a replay of the same nonsense.

I think that's the biggest problem - the one person who we hope can help us resolve it, answer the questions, etc. CAN'T help. They can give some answers, but nothing that's going to make us go "Ohhh that's why you're tearing our family apart."

This is absolutely on the mark. In the aftermath of betrayal, it seems like the answers can only come from the person who is screwing everything up...but reality is that life doesn't always hand you answers tied up in neat little packages.

At one point soon after the bomb, my H said to me: "A lot of this you are going to have to work out on your own." At the time it felt like a huge slap in the face...but it was true. Apologies, answers, etc. seem like a panacea until they come, and then you wonder if you really heard them or if you can trust them. Either way, you're pretty much on your own--well, not entirely. It's you and God. He'll hold your hand, comfort you, walk with you, carry you when you can't walk any further, and after some time learning how to detach, relax and leave it in His hands, you'll realize that you're okay. (((Hugs))

I think this is absolutely spot-on.

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

Quote:
How do you resolve that stuff? Talking with him at this point, even in MC, is just a replay of the same nonsense.

I think that's the biggest problem - the one person who we hope can help us resolve it, answer the questions, etc. CAN'T help. They can give some answers, but nothing that's going to make us go "Ohhh that's why you're tearing our family apart."

This is absolutely on the mark. In the aftermath of betrayal, it seems like the answers can only come from the person who is screwing everything up...but reality is that life doesn't always hand you answers tied up in neat little packages.

At one point soon after the bomb, my H said to me: "A lot of this you are going to have to work out on your own." At the time it felt like a huge slap in the face...but it was true. Apologies, answers, etc. seem like a panacea until they come, and then you wonder if you really heard them or if you can trust them. Either way, you're pretty much on your own--well, not entirely. It's you and God. He'll hold your hand, comfort you, walk with you, carry you when you can't walk any further, and after some time learning how to detach, relax and leave it in His hands, you'll realize that you're okay. (((Hugs))

I think this is absolutely spot-on.

Puppy

It is. And it sucks. Except the part about God.

The weird part is, the first week after the bomb, H was pretty much himself. Apologetic, discussed the A to a certain extent (it was quite new then), held me while I cried. Then the aliens came and left an a@@hole behind. I suppose he had to put up a big wall and begin rationalizing and projecting in order to continue to justify what he was doing.

[Aud31]

Sigh. Yes, it sucks as completely as anything can, IMO.

I'm so sorry that the a-hole stuff gets piled on top of the betrayal. I thought the same thing...that it was a defense mechanism. That doesn't make it any more humane.

I think the turning point for me--as far as working it out on my own--was realizing that the sitch just was what it was...HORRIBLE, awful, but I was still alive, there were still bits of joy to be found in every day, and that acceptance brought with it a measure of peace and personal power. I was able to lay it down a little more each day.

[hoosiermama]

News

Just when I think I can't hurt any more, H surprises me with yet another way to inflict pain. He informed me tonite that he intends to file for D asap because there's no point in staying in this limbo stage. I asked him to give me 6 months of separation because things have been happening really fast for me, on top of the job thing. No, he said, he needs to move forward with his life. Again I asked, said that 6 months isn't an unusual amount of time to be separated, and that he's been calling the shots all along and this is a reasonable request. He starts throwing a fit, saying I'm "guilting" him. I said no, I have no intention of guilting you; I'm still in the stage of shock and in a lot of pain, and I want time to adjust emotionally to this. Yelling at me again, stop guilting me. I'm not guilting you, I said, I'm asking for your help. Why is it necessary to move so fast? He replied he's been ready for 3 years. I replied, I have not and I need some time; I still need to find a job with single mom hours and I have a lot on my plate. Then he told me that it shouldn't be taking me this long to find a job, nurses are in short supply and I haven't done a thing to find a job (this is soooo untrue). I tried to explain--I need single mom hours, all I'm coming up with is part time or shift work. Then he laid the guilt thing on me--if you really wanted what's best for your daughter you'd have a job by now so I could get my own place and have space for D to visit.

That's about where the conversation ended. I am sorry to report that I lost it after I hung up the phone; my knees buckled and I ended up on the floor hysterical and trying to catch my breath. I hadn't seen this coming, really--I didn't think he was in a rush. And there's nothing I can do to stop this.

I know he's using all the strategies--making me hate him, making me angry, blaming, guilting. He's very angry again--and this is not a good place to start a divorce from. It won't be a congenial thing at all.

And the job thing--he dropped the bomb 4 days after I resigned from my job under painful circumstances. There's a tremendous amount of grief involved just with leaving the job, let alone getting blindsided with this bomb. They've not pushed me out the door because of my "subsequent family changes" but a few days ago I was told I'm done on August 31. I've sent out countless resumes, but it seems there are only clinical jobs on evenings and nights--not much else. I really don't want to go back to the bedside--12 hours on my feet, lousy shifts, every other weekend, holidays, and on-call shifts. I don't have any family backup, H is wildly unpredictable these days--I just don't see how I can do that. I also hoped to find something I'd enjoy. I realize I probably no longer have that luxury. H wants me to take the first thing I'm offered--he's clearly the only one who gets to do something fulfilling. In fact, he pretty much gets everything he wants out of this.

I'm really devastated at the moment. I truly don't see H coming back, and I'm not even sure I want him to. I know all this is MLC talking, but it has worn me down. Being of absolutely no consequence to the man I've loved for 17 years is unbearable; knowing I'll have to deal with him the rest of my life at D's important moments makes me nauseated. I know I haven't done very well at DB'ing over the past week, but it hurts too much to fake it.

[hoosiermama]

I just checked into some Indiana divorce laws. I could easily be divorced by Thanksgiving. Possibly by Halloween. It's a 60-day thing in Indiana. Okay, this is inevitable now. No way he's going to feel any differently in that amount of time.

Why don't I have anything to say about this? I feel like someone's ripping my heart out and I can't move and I just have to stand and watch.

[hoosiermama]

bump

[NNP1965]

HM I am so sorry for what you are going through. Have you spoken with an atty? We lived in Indiana at the time of bomb #1 and I called a womans hotline and was able to get a free 20 min consult with an atty. She was amazing and gave me some excellent advice, she is in Valpo.

[sgctxok]

hi honey....I'm sorry he's doing this.

Hoosier,

My advice and/opinions:

I DO NOT think this is MLC. I think this is partly just his character/personality/whatever....just HIM. Poor behavior.

Drop this counselor..... or.....start setting consequences for him and this counselor. State your request (which you've done) then set the consequence (one you can live with). What consequences: you can take your evidence for one, and I think you figure out some other consequences. My brain isn't working that well right now....but we can help with that.

Attorneys love to drag divorces out. It's how they make money, so get one to help you.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him"

"If God is for us, who can be against"



Father, you are always with us. The things the enemy means for evil, you will use for the good of hoosiermama and her daughter. She loves you. She's your child. Father, please make your love for her and your plan for her evident. Guide her in her every step. Let no weapon formed against her and her marriage prosper. Show the truth to all.

Bring healing to her H's troubled mind and heart. Please put barriers between him and the other woman, between all the forces pushing this divorce forward. I ask this knowing divorce is not your will.

Father, through you and Jesus all things are possible, even the healing of this marriage, so we look to you.

Amen.




Addition:


Words aren't working. Stop using them. Actions. Anything is better than words.

Can you (and your daughter) take a spontaneous vacation?

[Neilh23]

hoosiermama-

i'm sorry last nite didn't go well for you. IT's tough to hear the D word...it really is. However, remember the mantra that's been repeated millions of times on this board...

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.

Easier said than done, right? But ingrain it in your pysche. it's just his viewpoint, RIGHT NOW. he can change his mind...that's the wonderful thing about the mind.

i saw this on 7yearitch's thread, and i've been trying to find a way to work into my sitch...it might help you in yours..

"I know you can't work for us, but please stop working against us"

try saying that to him....or something along those lines...it could work wonders.

stay strong. I hope today is a better day......detach..do something nice for yourself...

[hoosiermama]

HM I am so sorry for what you are going through. Have you spoken with an atty? We lived in Indiana at the time of bomb #1 and I called a womans hotline and was able to get a free 20 min consult with an atty. She was amazing and gave me some excellent advice, she is in Valpo.

I haven't spoken with an attorney yet; I'm flat broke and getting worse financially. However, if there are helplines out there, I'll find one and see what I can do. Thanks.