I'm really sorry you are having such a difficult time at the moment. There is nothing wrong with you, you are just going through a really hard hard time at the moment.
Is there any way that you can hold off on all the arrangements at the moment to give yourself a little bit of healing time. He will probably view your actions as putting pressure on him and that will push him further awa y and he will run and that is the opposite of what you want.
I know that you don't want your kids experiencing this and meeting this ow but it sounds like there isn't a lot you can do at the moment. The more you say to your h that you don't want him doing that the more it will push him the other way and see his actions as justified. Can you see any ways of making you the greener grass? Try focusing on you for a little while, I know it seems impossible but it will really honestly help I promise.
