H is having affair after all - part 3

[Evie]

Thanks naej, your not butting in, glad for the advice as i swing with the wind really, what you say makes sense. Did you have the legal seperation and then D? or would it be better to get it all over and done with at the same time whilst the solicitor is sorting all the finances?

I've received an email from H in reply to the email I sent this is an excerpt:

As for OW - yes we are good friends and no i wasn't lying to you when i said it was over - it was.

I dont know what the future holds for any of us - i am still trying to get through this whilst trying to remain sain - for me to say i am going to do this and that with some body else is a joke - do you not think life is crap enough at the moment without making it more complicated !

Like your life mine is private - i have no wish to throw it around in public unless some one else does it for me. We live too separate lives now - i have no wish to know what you do or where you go - i trust you implicitly with the boys and with the business and will continue to work for the both of us with the swimming lessons. You know i will always be there for the boys in every way possible as a father does.

Jen_jam, i'm thinking about your reversed/projected psychology here..

what is he ACTUALLY saying? What do we think of the affair is it on or off?

And MY LIFE is pretty good actually in terms of GAL and friends etc

xxxxxx

[buster80]

how does everyone know when enough trying is enough ? my W is very nice to me but at the same time is with OM. I could use lots more opinions if anyone has time to read my sitch........


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1520941&page=1&fpart=19

[buster80]

its all summed up on page 18

[Jen_Jam]

I've received an email from H in reply to the email I sent this is an excerpt:

As for OW - yes we are good friends and no i wasn't lying to you when i said it was over - it was.

I dont know what the future holds for any of us - i am still trying to get through this whilst trying to remain sain - for me to say i am going to do this and that with some body else is a joke - do you not think life is crap enough at the moment without making it more complicated !

Like your life mine is private - i have no wish to throw it around in public unless some one else does it for me. We live too separate lives now - i have no wish to know what you do or where you go - i trust you implicitly with the boys and with the business and will continue to work for the both of us with the swimming lessons. You know i will always be there for the boys in every way possible as a father does.

I think this is a great email! Contrast that with when he was telling you he didn't trust you at all, when he thought you wanted to turn the boys against him and ruin the business. He has used the words "I trust you".

Is the affair on or off? Who cares? This is a briliant email, he has in fact extended a hand of friendship. OK, maybe not the hand, just a little finger, but it's better than before.

FWIW, I think the affair is off. Seems like he's got enough going round his head right now, and seing OW would just make his life harder. But it doesn't matter. The point you're worried about is you're being lied to/kept in the dark/laughed at behind your back. I can appreciate that. it's a HORRIBLE feeling. My suggestion - ignore it. You cannot control what h does or doesn't do, so let it go. Take what he says at face value, and concentrate on YOU. You're having a good time in life right now, don't let these thoughts ruin that!

[Evie]

Thanks Jen. I don't know whether to believe H or not, but like you said, don't think about it and move on, I know I can't control H only myself.

I've had to see him a bit the last few days to hand over the boys as the girls aren't around atm (holidays)to look after them. I was just thinking last night that our R atm seems to be how it was before the split, meaning it just seems like a friendship. Its sad that we once meant so much to one another and now we're just about civil, no warmth, no humour nothing.

I don't know if I can do the friendship thing atm, I know that would make it easier for both, but its too early for me, he broke my heart how do I move forward to become what he wants? I also in way don't want to make it easy for him, every day i
answer questions from the boys. The four year old last nite commented that it was just the 3 of us now that his sisters were on holiday, but daddy was alone in his flat!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I dont know what the future holds for any of us - i am still trying to get through this whilst trying to remain sain - for me to say i am going to do this and that with some body else is a joke - do you not think life is crap enough at the moment without making it more complicated

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

What do you think he meant by this?

Jen - in your sitch, was there ever a time that you weren't sure about your feelings towards H? I just don't know how I feel. If H said today he wanted me back, i'm not sure i would want him, certainly not what we had anyway.

I know his feelings are unchanged because of how he treats me and because he is madly getting the house ready to go on the market.

Generally i feel much better in myself, I am happier with things, H is pulling his weight now with the business and boys, i have more free time, i'm not so stressed or tired and i get time to be myself. I went to a bar on FRiday night with a live band, now 6 months ago i would have hated every single minute of it, now i can't wait to go again..i'm enjoying myself.

x

[Jen_Jam]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I dont know what the future holds for any of us - i am still trying to get through this whilst trying to remain sain - for me to say i am going to do this and that with some body else is a joke - do you not think life is crap enough at the moment without making it more complicated

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

What do you think he meant by this?

I think he means exactly what it says on the tin. He is finding this hard, he feels incredibly guilty and bad about what he is putting you and the kids through. My H felt very guilty too. I could have turned round and told him it was OK, I didn't mind but I didn't as I DID mind. Instead I told him that I was sorry he felt like that, but he would have to find a way to resolve his guilt himself.

Jen - in your sitch, was there ever a time that you weren't sure about your feelings towards H? I just don't know how I feel. If H said today he wanted me back, i'm not sure i would want him, certainly not what we had anyway.

Very much so. As you know, my H recomitted, roughly around the end of 2006. At which time I got myself into IC as I could just not cope with it all. 2007 - well, I had H back but some of the problems were still there (him being a little on the lazy side for one). Anyway, won't bore you with the details but in the main yes I wanted my H back, but on terms that were agreeable to us BOTH. He had had his own way for a loooooong time, he had to realise that we had to work together or it wasn't going to work.

Generally i feel much better in myself, I am happier with things, H is pulling his weight now with the business and boys, i have more free time, i'm not so stressed or tired and i get time to be myself. I went to a bar on FRiday night with a live band, now 6 months ago i would have hated every single minute of it, now i can't wait to go again..i'm enjoying myself.

Excellent stuff! Life is improving. OK, may not be all you wanted but it's still good.

Take care and "speak" soon

JJ x

[Evie]

As i said in an earlier post, H is working like a trojan to get the house up to scratch to put on the market.

I know from comments he has made on texts to me that he is annoyed that i'm not helping...Cheeky ba*tard..

Anyway he's in the house a lot and i can feel my positivity draining because i feel the tension in me when im around him.

Last Saturday he told me he was coming to the house early to work again (his w/e with the boys, so my w/e off), when its my weekend without the boys i always meet friends and plan to be out all day, which i did do. I was out early to go to the gym so I dont know when he arrived. Anyway about 2.30 pm he sent me a text saying 'you can come home now' - as if I was avoiding him!!!

I have gathered a few bits and pieces together in my bedroom for my forthcoming holiday, one is a small package of perscription tablets for heavy menstual bleeding that I have recently been to my dr about. Well he's been in it and looked, i've found out b/c he has the name of the tablets written down on a card that was peeking out of his wallet that he left lying about. I'm absolutely fuming, I guess he may well have been through my drawers as well? Why do that? whats the deal here?

[Jen_Jam]

What the chuff!!!????

I really don't know here, I never had an H who snooped on me. OK - possible explainations:
1. he is building a stong D case. he has been defensive in the past, maybe he's assuming you now hate him and are going to try and stop him seeing the boys.
2. he wants to be liked by you and is sulking that you won't be his friend

Whatever he is thinkin, it seems he may well be making assumptions about you. Protect yourself, but really if he wants to speak up then it's up to him to do so.

Usual disclaimer - I may be waaaaay off the mark here. It's something for you to see if it fits or not, but keep your mind open to other possibilities.

One question for you - would you have your H back now, if he said he wanted to try again?

OK - boring H stuff over, back to you Where are you going on holipops? ohhhhhh exciting. Mine isn't until the 1st 2 weeks in Sept, off to another festival (more piccies) on the Isle of Wight, going to stay a few days afterwards, it's LOVELY there, like stepping back in time. Everything/one is so chillaxed

[Evie]

Hi Jen

I don't think your too far off the mark. I think he can see the outward changes, the weight loss, change of clothes, my new energy and confidence, change of rountine, always out etc. I've had flowers and chocolates bought for me, all very innocent, but obviously they're around the house and he has no idea who from and i think he's very curious.

Do you remember the comment he made about us living seperate lives and not wanting to know where i go or who with? Seemed to be an odd thing to write, why write it at all? Yes I think he's curious. His friend is even calling me sexy, so the changes must be visible.

The house goes on the market today. I think its the right move, but i'm not looking forward to the process inbetween. I'm stalling on getting my documents to the solicitor for her to sort out a financial deal, but I know I must gain control and do it soon.

H has been in the house for the last 3 weeks doing his decorating and having to hand over the boys etc. It has taken its toll on me emotionally. I feel quite uncomfortable around him, I can't quite do the small talk and I feel he's in MY space.

He treats every area as his home, even to the point where he tidied a magazine in bedroom and put it in my bedside table!! i'm so pissed at that and i can't bring myself to talk to him after i know he's gone through my perscription. I haven't said anything, I just don't want the texts/emails that i know will follow if i do.


In answer to your question about whether I would have him back, I would have to say that i'm not sure thats what I want right now. I really don't know how I feel about him, how bad is that?? How can you dislike someone who you once loved with all your heart and wanted to grow old with? I don't like the person I am when he's around, he doesn't even feel like a person i know well, he may as well be a tradesman. God that sounds awful and i'm waffling. This week has emotionally drained me
Not that he wants to come back, he's really pushed for this house sale.

Anyway, this week over with time to think about Rome!! I go on Sunday...yipee. I have no expectations from this holiday. I only want to chilax....

Happy Friday

xxxx

[Jen_Jam]

Hi Eve

I still may be off the mark, so I'd say take my suggestions as to H's behaviour as possibles, not definites.

He can certainly see the changes then, and change tends to scare people. he could just be reacting to the changes, but it's up to him to deal with them. YOU are happy and you're not doing anything to deliberatly hurt him so it's fine (I live my life by the maxim "do what you want, as long as it isn't hurting anyone else, then all is fine")

It doesn't sound bad to describe him as like a tradesman. As you said, emotionally you are drained. Right now if he walked back in and said "OK, let's get back" you probably have nothing to give him. That's totally understandable. I just wondered cos if you were sure you didn't you could persue the D, but I can see doing that may just be more emotional drains. FWIW, when my H and I got back, I had worked on myself but he'd done v. little as he had a bit of mild depression to get out of first. The M problems were still there (little niggles) and I decided that I didn't want old H back. When we got back together I didn't want my old M, my old H, I wanted me and him to change. If you can see your H as same old H I'm not suprised you don't really want him back. You'd be a glutton for punishment!

OK - onto nicer things. I've been to Rome, it's the most wonderful city. It has a young, vibrant atmosphere but is still laid back. It's not like London where the pace of life is 100mph. And the fountains! WOW - the architecture is fantastic, just sitting in one of the cafes enjoying a coffee and watching the world go by ... bliss. I saw the Pope when I was in Rome too! Went to the vatican, he was at an open window, waving his hand and saying something. I couldn't hear him, so I moved into the corwds on the lawn to catch what he was saying. Then I heard him! He was waving his hand and shouting to the crowds: "get off the bl00dy grass!" LOL!!! (sorry - old joke) Have a fantastic chillaxing time