Alien invasion 3.0

[hoosiermama]

News

Just when I think I can't hurt any more, H surprises me with yet another way to inflict pain. He informed me tonite that he intends to file for D asap because there's no point in staying in this limbo stage. I asked him to give me 6 months of separation because things have been happening really fast for me, on top of the job thing. No, he said, he needs to move forward with his life. Again I asked, said that 6 months isn't an unusual amount of time to be separated, and that he's been calling the shots all along and this is a reasonable request. He starts throwing a fit, saying I'm "guilting" him. I said no, I have no intention of guilting you; I'm still in the stage of shock and in a lot of pain, and I want time to adjust emotionally to this. Yelling at me again, stop guilting me. I'm not guilting you, I said, I'm asking for your help. Why is it necessary to move so fast? He replied he's been ready for 3 years. I replied, I have not and I need some time; I still need to find a job with single mom hours and I have a lot on my plate. Then he told me that it shouldn't be taking me this long to find a job, nurses are in short supply and I haven't done a thing to find a job (this is soooo untrue). I tried to explain--I need single mom hours, all I'm coming up with is part time or shift work. Then he laid the guilt thing on me--if you really wanted what's best for your daughter you'd have a job by now so I could get my own place and have space for D to visit.

That's about where the conversation ended. I am sorry to report that I lost it after I hung up the phone; my knees buckled and I ended up on the floor hysterical and trying to catch my breath. I hadn't seen this coming, really--I didn't think he was in a rush. And there's nothing I can do to stop this.

I know he's using all the strategies--making me hate him, making me angry, blaming, guilting. He's very angry again--and this is not a good place to start a divorce from. It won't be a congenial thing at all.

And the job thing--he dropped the bomb 4 days after I resigned from my job under painful circumstances. There's a tremendous amount of grief involved just with leaving the job, let alone getting blindsided with this bomb. They've not pushed me out the door because of my "subsequent family changes" but a few days ago I was told I'm done on August 31. I've sent out countless resumes, but it seems there are only clinical jobs on evenings and nights--not much else. I really don't want to go back to the bedside--12 hours on my feet, lousy shifts, every other weekend, holidays, and on-call shifts. I don't have any family backup, H is wildly unpredictable these days--I just don't see how I can do that. I also hoped to find something I'd enjoy. I realize I probably no longer have that luxury. H wants me to take the first thing I'm offered--he's clearly the only one who gets to do something fulfilling. In fact, he pretty much gets everything he wants out of this.

I'm really devastated at the moment. I truly don't see H coming back, and I'm not even sure I want him to. I know all this is MLC talking, but it has worn me down. Being of absolutely no consequence to the man I've loved for 17 years is unbearable; knowing I'll have to deal with him the rest of my life at D's important moments makes me nauseated. I know I haven't done very well at DB'ing over the past week, but it hurts too much to fake it.