my crazy mess part 3...

[sandi2]

Okay Christa and Corey.......a few more comments and then I may have to actually do some thinking...lol.

S2~ I have no issues with strong and confident....not an issue! Ask any male physician in my area...i'm the biggest flirt, i show confidence in my work, i know which "shots" to call.

This is good to know that you are strong and confident in your work. But what is it about your H that makes you feel the fear and desparation? Have you lost some of your confidence and strength where he is concerned? If so, why is that? You did great at the bar when he was making out with the woman right in front of you and your family. The best way to handle that situation is just exactly what you did......don't show any emotion that it bothers you in the least and totally ignore him and what he is doing. Any sort of "pay back" only leads to more pay back from him and then from you and so on. It never stops.

My next question is about your flirting. You admitted to being "the biggest flirt", so how does your H handle that? Let me back up.....did you flirt with other men when you were with your H? Have you flirted with OM in front of your H since you have been S? If so, how did he handle all of that? Why is he trying to show you that he can get women and show out in your presence? It sounds kind of "high school" taticts to me.

I don't want you to think that I am putting you down when I say this Christa, b/c I think there is something born in the female that comes natural to "flirt"......I personally think it starts when we are very little girls. But, for me, flirting with other men playing games on line, was the beginning of all my trouble in my stitch. So, do you think that your flirting had anything to do with the beginning of your troubles or did it come to a stop when you got M? Just still trying to get some background information and an over-all picture.

"I do suffer now, from depression...it started about 6-8 months after my dad died. I am in treatment/therapy for it now, and am working with my physicians to manage my medication regimen."

I can totally understand how you feel. I was very close to my dad and when he died, it did a number on me like I never expected. I had always been the "strong one" in my family and felt that I had to continue to project that image, but I didn't feel strong and I needed to lean on my H for strength. Who do you lean on, Chrisa? It took a very long time for me to grieve and I doubt very seriously that you are any where close to getting through that process. The first year is the hardest.....all the holidays, and everything that reminds you of him....it is all so raw. You never stop missing him, but time does begin to help. But, I don't have to tell you all of this b/c you have been through this when you lost your mom according to your post to me. You said both were looking down on you. You must feel so alone to have lost the last parent you had and now you don't have the man who was your H to lean on. I don't know what I would have done if I had been going through M problems at the same time or right after my dad passed away. So, my heart goes out to you in your grieving for him. I'm sure it must bring back the hurt of losing your mother also.

Since you are in therapy........is it b/c you are having to deal with more than just the normal grief of losing your dad in death? You don't have to say, but just wondered if there was a problem in your childhood with your father that has caused you more pain in dealing with this issue. I'm not implying any kind of abuse or anything. My sister had some personal issues she had to deal with when our father died, but it had nothing to do with anything like that.....so it can be a number of things that come to surface when a parent dies. Sometimes, like with my sister, she had to forgive herself for things she knew she had done that hurt her parents. When my MIL died, I knew I had to forgive her for all the pain she had caused me while she was alive or I would never be able to move on. Forgiveness & regret is often something we have to face when we are dealing with death. Are you discussing your M with the therapist also?

You have to separate the issues. Focus on one at a time. Get one "fixed".. then move to the next one.

I understand what you are saying, but isn't that hard to do when things in your life are so intertwined? Like I was saying about grieving for my dad....if I had put everything else on hold until I got through that....well, all the other things would have fallen apart. My grief did affect so much of the other areas of my life. So, I am wondering if what you are going
through with this thing with losing your father has really knocked the wind out of your sail. It is hard to show a lot of spunk and feistiness, when you are hurting so badly on the inside. And, that is what depression does to you. So, I'm wondering if the depression---mixed with the emotional trama of losing your dad is the bottom of what is making you retreat in a fearful way (like Corey was talking about). BTW, how close together did you lose your parents? God, that must be so tough for you. I know my mother is getting old and it is going to be hard on me, but it has been 20 years since I lost my father. If you lost them close together....wow. Just wondered about that.


Okay, something does not add up. The description of what you gave about yourself and how Corey talk about you handling the ordeals with your H.....sounds like two different people. I know how losing a loved one can cause you to be afraid of losing anyone else that you love.....and you have lost both parents. Are you so afraid of getting that intimate with the one you love that you are unconciously retreating from it? Why or what is causing you to feel the "desparation" when we know there is a confident woman here? Are you afraid to be alone? Are you living along? I know you have said, but I'm sorry, I can't remember.

I even have one friend who i go grocery shopping with. Just so I don't have to go alone!

It is wonderful that you have friends and relatives that you can have a blast with, but this quote kind of spoke to me that there is something here, but I don't know what it is. Maybe you can explain more. Perhaps you think it has nothing to do with your M, but I still think it all links together in your emotions.

May I ask this......you are on medication for depression. Is this just to help you deal with the loss in your life, or have you had problems in the past with depression? I have had problems with depression for many years and it is hard to find the right meds for what works on the individual. Do you ever feel like you are losing yourself in all of this turmoil? I think I would. There is an old saying that "tears are healing" and that is true. I hope you can cry, Christa, for all the huge loss in your life. I'm not trying to play "therapist"....this is just the way I talk to people when I want to help them. I think I remember reading back on some posts where you talked about God. Well, He will help with the healing process if you will let Him inside to do His work. Not trying to "convert" you here.....it is just what I believe will work.

I appreciate you telling me more about what kind of woman your H likes. I think when he got you....he got just what he wanted. I swear, I read so many threads anymore, that I am beginning to forget too much, so I guess I will have to go back again and read what started all this between you and your H. I have forgotten if he was there with you when you lost your dad or if this has happen afterwards. That would be an important factor for me.

Apparently, FG has seen a picture of you cause he thinks you are a "hottie"! But, what men don't realize, I guess, is that a gal can look like Miss America and still have self esteem problems. You don't think you do.....so maybe you don't. That's really good, if you don't. I know when I am really depressed.....it shows up in my appearance. When you mentioned how many compliments you received when you really dolled up for that meeting.....well, I could not help but wonder if you had kind of "let down" while you have been so depressed. Just a thought.

Well, if I don't hush, the guys are going to be talking about my long posts again....lol. Doesn't bother me! But, you may get tired of reading through them!

Christa, sweetie, I am here anytime you want to cry, b*tch, whine, scream, or whatever......just to get it out of your system. We gals need to release that so we can heal and deal. We are made with the need to "talk" to somebody about our lives. We can't help it....that's our makeup. So, I'm here....even if I don't know how to help....I'm here.

You take care of yourself....okay? You are going to make it. It won't be overnight, but you will get there.

Sandi