my crazy mess part 3...

[christarn]

FG~

"Right here.. you need to decide what we focus on. I am OK with either.. I just need to know where to go."

I want to focus on my R now....i don't want to say M anymore...because I DO NOT ever want to go back to "that M"...I want a better, stronger, and awesome M with my H....that is my long term goal. I think part of my emotions right now are due to losing my H...he's the last piece of my family. I have lost my mom, my dad...i have my sister...we're closer now than ever...but my H...he's my family, he's home, and i know i will be ok no matter what happens....he knew both of my parents, and adored my dad....life would just be "the good stuff" with him there...sharing the memories of my parents with me...and maybe someday with kids....maybe that sounds silly...but that's what i feel.


"If I asked your husband.. what would he say"

too good, stuck up...or at least that is what he would say if you called him on the phone, he dropped out of highschool, got his GED and worked his way up the career ladder...he's now a journeyman electrician...and awesome at what he does...i however, went to college, have an associates degree in nsg, and a bachelors and preparing to begin grad school...he feels left behind, he always said he supported me, but i often wonder. he said once i became snobby/stuck up when i became a nurse....i feel like i grew up/matured due to my parents death faster than he did. i also feel like part of my walk out could have been early MLC....my life where i was when i was 26, is what i should have been experiencing when i was in my 50's...the loss of both my parents...estate hassles...the list goes on....i call it my crazy mess for a reason! As for what he would call me...HMPB, that's today...it's a joke to my friends...close friends, but i'm really that down to earth girl, funny, fun loving...i'm ready for him to see "her" again

"The girl that did this is hiding. She is actually hiding behind the pool. She is peeking around the corner.. and we all can see her."

Let's find her...i am working on it, slow but sure...she's coming back around...i've enjoyed our "chats" and being able to vent to people that "get" this....it helps...she peaks around the coroner..shes H do something, gets hurt...and runs and hides behind the pump!! the broken pump mind you!!! :p LOL

okeedoekee, i think my brain is still functioning...well maybe! i haven't been sleeping worth a poo-paw lately and i think that is really putting my emotions thru the ringer. I am planning to call the dr. tomorrow to see if he will adjust my meds again, got to sleep...can't work 12hr shifts, taking care of patients in the capacity in which i do without sleep....and do "this"...on top of it all!

thanks to all of you for your love and support...you guys rock!
(((hugs)))
christa