PDT, I basically agree with you. I already suspected an A and had decided to continue DB regardless. I had decided before not to snoop and then I couldn't hold myself to my decision. This is what I'm upset about. Frankly, I don't think that she has the guts to divorce me. I think she is ultimately very afraid of cutting ties and trying to make a go of things on her own. We will see.
Lodo asked in my thread here if I even wanted her back. I think I replied that I'm getting tired from all the vacillating I'm doing. There is the one side of her that takes my breath away. I never notice that she's almost 42. I don't care if she gains 20lbs. I love her. Then there is the side that refuses to take responsibility for her behavior, who twists everything around so that either I'm upset about it, but, that normal people wouldn't feel that way, it's actually my fault, or that my past crap makes it OK for her to behave this way. I would do most anything for the one and have to get away from the other.
I believe I've finally reached a point of growth for myself where I can look much more objectively at things good and bad. The next two weeks will be a time spent thinking about her and me and our R and M. I will analyze things to the nth degree and then I will synthesize a handful of conclusions. These I will take to our next MC appointment and decide from there the path to take. It may well be that she is unwilling to change and we need to part ways. If the problem is her, no change on my part will fix the problem.
S&S, thanks for the cheers. Sadly, I'm at the place right now where I'd like to live the life I didn't between 21 and 26. It's not possible with 3 kids at home with me. I've got the nanny to come over for 3-4 hours a couple of times, but, not to many people want to come over to watch the kids from 2300-0300 ;-)
At this point, I need to change my focus just a bit and put more emphasis on the dad role. It could use the focus for a while and if we do split, they will need me more than ever.
The old me would have been barely functional today. The new me is having an amazing day. Every day is amazing because I've finally found me and now I'm living where I used to just exist. The bad circumstances can't steal my amazing day.
