Oldtimers: Return or not..what finally happened?

[Sanderika]

Hello Peace and everyone else who has posted here...

First I want to tell you, Peace, I am truly connected to your feelings, I am crying so hard because I am close to the same place you are in right now. Only I will have to file on him because he won't do it. That will be instigating something I do not want but for my sanity and closure I feel I must take this step soon.

My situation timeline:

H and I meet in 10th Grade at High School - 15 years old.

H and I engaged to marry - Christmas Day 1982.

H and I set Wedding Date on Christmas Day in 1983.

H and I marry 4/84.

H and I have S in 5/96.

H meets OW on 8/7/05. (I learned this later on in affair.)

H tells me he is leaving me 8/16/05. Claims no OW just that it's time to call it quits on us.

H moves out and begins 3 year separation slowly from 8/16/05 through 9/05. Takes rest of clothes out on 10/29/05.

H left home to move into our company building and H still calls that home, it is 6 miles from our house.

H and I have no contact except at work from 9/05 to 1/3/06.

H and I ML for first time in separation on 1/3/06. H and I have ML regularly between 1/3/06 and 7/11/08. OW does not know we are still together in this way. (One of us would die if she found out.)

H and I work together in company we started from 3/1/83 - 3/13/08. H replaced me at company with OW Best Friend. My last day in my own company 3/13/08. H continues to send me my salary. When he talks af company's future I am not included at all it is all mine, me, my, etc... We incorporated in 1995 and I became a 50% owner...thank god I covered my A$$ back then, I would be in a world of hurt now if it was still a sole-proprietorship as originally set up!!!!!

H and I had no contact from 3/13/08 - 3/29/08.

My work separation has left a huge hole in our relationship, it is creating an unhealthy distance between us. We are becoming strangers to each other and it is an obvious feeling to me and I believe he feels it as well.

H has made frequent contact with me from 3/29/08 until last night. H and I have ML 14 times since 3/29/08. Last night he came with the mail and had supper with us but didn't stay.

In the last 206 days H has seen S 30 times.

H did not call OW GF until Fall of '06. H is still with the same OW. OW lives 1 hour away. OW is a hard core macho biker b***h. (I am the total opposite in looks and personality.) I have described myself, H and OW in some of my previous posts.

H told me on 12/31/06 he loves OW and does not love me.

H does not want to D and won't discuss it w/ me. I think it is because he does not want to lose financially only. We are fairly well off.

H doesn't give S any attention to speak of. I feel H has grown distant with me over the past 3.5 weeks since 6/28/08.

I am now getting very angry and restless. I feel our sitch is hopeless. H won't leave OW. OW will never leave H, she sees $$$$. H doesn't think I will file either. H feels I will wait for his almighty decision. H has confidence he has me right where he wants me. I really think he will be a very sorry man very soon.......

I gave it considerable thought today to call the attorney for an appt. I actually called H to tell him I needed to talk to him and he wouldn't pick up phone let voice mail answer me. I left a different message something very trivial about S instead.

My problems have always been love and loyalty to H. I want my marriage to work so bad. I want him home. I think I have to face the truths:

H would be home if he wanted to be.

H doesn't love me or respect me.

H doesn't give a rats a$$ about me or our S.

H is living a very selfish existance in a me, my and mine world.

H will not give up OW and has even said they are making plans for their future when he is mad at me. Their affair has lasted 3 years on 8/7/08. It is not the typical affair I think they really want to be together, so I might as well disappear.

H is making all the wrong choices after 3 years that would make a reconciliation possible. I do believe all he has done is throw me a bone to pacify me at the momment so I will not upset the apple cart. This means he is controlling all involved for his own gain.

I can't sit by much longer while the OW and her BFF run my company with my H.

I don't want this to go into another year with my life on hold. I will not date another while I am married to him. My S and I have suffered in pain of the loss and abandonment and neglect that my H has dished out to us and we don't deserve it.

I am, along with several others on this BB, struggling every day every hour with what is the right thing to do and when. I feel I am carrying the burden for myself and my S. I parent him alone and have for the past 3 years. There has never been any visitation set up and H has been free as a bird to come and go as he pleases with OW without the responsibilities of a child. My S was 9 when my H left us, he is now 12.

My H and I have been married now for 24 years and have been together for 29. I think of it has a huge failure. I do not want to go down the D road. I really don't think I have a choice anymore though. I can't move on while I am still M to him.

I have the books DB and DR. I have had one DB Coaching session with Jody. I have paid for 2 more but will probably never call to use them. I think it is too late for us!!!! I feel these tools are not really designed for marriages that are in such dire trouble as mine. This would have been a perfect tool in the first 6 weeks of our separation. Thinking back to behaviors and conversations, I could have turned this around then but not now with the teachings in the books and the coaching.

Thank you all for listening.

Sanderika