Mulesqb - Still alive and Kickin'

[lovehopefaith]

She said that was really nice but she thought I had an attitude last night. I couldn't believe that-I thought we got along well. She said I had a look on my face again-I said I didn't understand and wasn't upset at anything last night.

Mules, this reminds me in some ways of me and my H (although he won't even address R at all). I swear he looks for things, signs of me being miserable. The other night he said I had a "look" on my face and asked me why I was making that "face." I was playing a freakin' video game and concentrating. One night I sighed, thinking about all the housework I had to do, and he's like "Why are you sighing like that?"

I swear it's like he wants validation that I'm a miserable person -- it's like he wants a reason. Or he wants to "set me off" on a crazy jag so he can say "see?" and make himself feel better. Or he lookes for me to answer a question in a slightly defensive way to say "what's wrong with you?" or when I don't answer quick enough, it's "You're not listening to me?"

But I'm learning that I just need ignore these questions or comments or deflect them because I can't feed into this or give him reasons/excuses for his behavior.

Then she said that i am doing too much with the kids and trying to make her look bad. I asked who I am trying to make her look bad to - and she said them. She said that i overdue it. I said I didn't agree and that I love them and want to do as much as i can with them. She said she felt like an outsider last night when we were playing our game - I told her that S10 kept asking her to play and that she should have. She reiterated that she doesn't have fun with them and doesn't like to do things that they like.

Is she jealous of the relationship you have with your sons? Is it because they are boys and you are a guy, so you have a natural bond with them?

Since my H feels I put my D first, over him, I feel that he's kind of got a little jealousy going on there... But he chooses not to spend a wealth of time with her, and I'm home with her all day, AND she's a girl, so naturally we have a mother-daughter bond. But that's no excuse for him not pursuing a father-daughter bond. He used to take her to hit golf balls a lot, and she liked that -- she even has her own set of clubs -- but he hasn't done that in ages. I think that's his problem, not mine, so I can't FORCE him to spend time with her. Plus he has a short fuse if she gives up on something, so how is that creating any great bond?

I think if your wife says she "doesn't the enjoy the things" the kids do, perhaps there's one thing she does enjoy doing with them and you can point that out to her when she uses that excuse again.

She also asked me to please go on the Lake George trip with her, that she really needs it - but won't go without me. I told her I would and she asked not to hold it over her head.

Again, is this a way to get you to put her first, over the boys? It sounds like she wants all the attention, and maybe this is her way of getting it. Don't know if it's right or wrong, just an analysis... And again, at least she will go away without your family (even if the neighbors come)... I wish my H would do that, but he won't do ANYTHING without my D as a buffer.

I do agree with the other poster that we tend to overanalyze every single thing -- I do that as well -- and sometimes maybe we just need to sit back and be more natural. But I also know how hard that is. I give you major props for carrying on like you've done, with your kids and all. You sound like a great father.