Any Regrets???

[theoden]

Puppy,

What would have I done differently?

1. Would have GAL much sooner and more vigorously.

2. Would have chosen one of two stategies: Total exposure of the affair with ultimatums OR 100% text-book DB-ing with non-exposure and detatchement. I ended up in a half-half world which ended up hurting us. Better to be hot or cold. Lukewarm doesn't cut it.

--Theoden

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy,

What would have I done differently?

1. Would have GAL much sooner and more vigorously.

2. Would have chosen one of two stategies: Total exposure of the affair with ultimatums OR 100% text-book DB-ing with non-exposure and detatchement. I ended up in a half-half world which ended up hurting us. Better to be hot or cold. Lukewarm doesn't cut it.

--Theoden

I would tend to agree with that.

[maninmotion]

S&S and Lost, congratulations to both of you on finding yourself. It took me the longest time to really understand about GAL. You see, I never had one before. Now, I'm discovering a new me and regardless of the outcome of my R, I will never regret finding me.

I'm still in the middle of things and not really sure if there is an A or not. My regret is that I wasn't strong enough to not snoop. W says that was the last straw. I refuse to believe that.

Time to refocus on the end goal. The end goal isn't really a wonderful marriage because I can't control that. The end goal is to become a cool interesting guy that everyone wants to spend time with and then to create a life filled with similarly cool interesting people and to be a responsible loving father who regularly creates wonderful adventures with his kids.

This is a goal I can achieve.

Dan

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Dan,

Any wife that would tell you that your snooping was the reason they are leaving you is gaslighting you and is certainly having an affair.

It doesn't take strength to NOT snoop, it takes strength TO snoop. To nut-up and stare the intel in the eye, take the body blows, and then pick yourself up off the mat and go take charge of your marriage and your life again takes courage and will change you forever -- REGARDLESS of whether or not you save your marriage.

I saved mine, but even if I hadn't, I wouldn't have done it any other way. Not everyone can do it, though.

Puppy

[C_K]

What would have I done differently?

1. Would have GAL much sooner and more vigorously.

2. Would have chosen one of two stategies: Total exposure of the affair with ultimatums OR 100% text-book DB-ing with non-exposure and detatchement. I ended up in a half-half world which ended up hurting us. Better to be hot or cold. Lukewarm doesn't cut it.

Theo

11 or 12 years ago my W started to act strange and I got ILYBNILWY and then I am in love with another man. I took strategy one , found out who he was , confronted him at his work , caused all sorts of turmoil . W said it was over , I suspected not confronted OM again , his wife found out and it realy did end more because he chose to repair his M than my W deciding to end it.
My M was saved .....for a while
What we didnt realy do was address any of the issues that got us there in the first place. We went through a honeymoon phase that was very nice but slowly got back to where we were but worse.

The problem being that I thought the problem was OM and once I was rid of him then things would be OK.

This whole thing was over and dealt with in a very short 3 months or so.

This time the hole is much deeper and I have taken as best as I can the second option , First A is over , I believe there has been another OM in some capacity after and am aware she is seeing a Married man on occasions now. I have DB'd as well as I can , not always very well , and becoming detached has been a long and painful process. We have been separated just over one year and I would not give good odds on my M at all. I know I will retain some sort of R with my W going forward.
I have sorted a lot of my own life out , I am happier now than in the last couple of years of our M , I have my sense of humour and better relationships with my kids .

1. Would have GAL much sooner and more vigorously.

Totaly agree , but very hard to do in the early months.

Dave

[C_K]

Any wife that would tell you that your snooping was the reason they are leaving you is gaslighting you and is certainly having an affair.

Without a doubt.

It doesn't take strength to NOT snoop, it takes strength TO snoop. To nut-up and stare the intel in the eye, take the body blows, and then pick yourself up off the mat and go take charge of your marriage and your life again takes courage and will change you forever -- REGARDLESS of whether or not you save your marriage.

Yes , there is nothing like a good hard dose of reality to help you detach .

[SunnySeason]

Would have chosen one of two stategies: Total exposure of the affair with ultimatums OR 100% text-book DB-ing with non-exposure and detatchement. I ended up in a half-half world which ended up hurting us. Better to be hot or cold. Lukewarm doesn't cut it.

--Theoden

I ended up in half-half world too. I think my R would be in a much different place if I hadn't.

I'm still in the middle of things and not really sure if there is an A or not. My regret is that I wasn't strong enough to not snoop. W says that was the last straw.

Another part of the WAS script called "shifting the blame."



When H found out I had scrolled down the #'s on his cell he said he couldn't believe that I would stoop so low as to spy on him.

My response was that it may be just a bit better than changing someone's password to gain access to their cell phone records.
(Information I had held onto until then)

It doesn't take strength to NOT snoop, it takes strength TO snoop. To nut-up and stare the intel in the eye, take the body blows, and then pick yourself up off the mat and go take charge of your marriage and your life again takes courage and will change you forever -- REGARDLESS of whether or not you save your marriage.

I tend to agree w/PDT, although it may not be for everyone.

Sunny

[C_K]

sunny

When H found out I had scrolled down the #'s on his cell he said he couldn't believe that I would stoop so low as to spy on him.

I got exactly the same line " I cant believe you are checking up on me etc etc " shouted at me after I knocked on her door the day the latest OM was at her house.

LOL ... they all must have the same book

[Sugar and Spice]

I readily agree with the 1/2 life, though in my sitch I don't think anything would have changed.

As far as intel goes. If someone is telling you its over because you are snooping, that means there is something to hide. I HAD to know because I'm basically a nosey btch and thats just how I am. I have no shame in any of the snooping I have done and have told H that. I got access to cell phone records, read his text messages, followed him, showed up to the cardroom, found out EVERYTHING I could about OW and I don't lose a wink of sleep over it. Know thine enemy... Its also not for everyone. I have read texts that tore my heart out, I have seen the obsession up close and it hurts, but it helped me and thats who it was for. Me. I am sorry now I didn't confront the Trollin person, but it was probably divine intervention as I can't be sure I wouldn't have ended up in that back of a cop car.

(((Dan)) I'm with you on the GAL thing. Its probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I'm really not doing that great at it. But I'm trying and its helping me to step away from the contstant drama and BS and focus on me and the kids. Its nice. It feels good to be out of the cyclone. Everyone does it in their own way and in their own time. It took this for me to recognize that I didn't have a life either. My life has been the kids, which is great don't get me wrong, but I'm now making time to be with friends, going to school, going to the gym...making me a priority, which is something I haven't done in so long. You are doing great, this is hard and everyone has to go through it their own way. I'm just so fortunate that I found this site and all of you. I can't imagine having to try and do this flying blind.

I would have probably snapped by now. Postal Sugar is NOT a good thing!

[maninmotion]

PDT, I basically agree with you. I already suspected an A and had decided to continue DB regardless. I had decided before not to snoop and then I couldn't hold myself to my decision. This is what I'm upset about. Frankly, I don't think that she has the guts to divorce me. I think she is ultimately very afraid of cutting ties and trying to make a go of things on her own. We will see.

Lodo asked in my thread here if I even wanted her back. I think I replied that I'm getting tired from all the vacillating I'm doing. There is the one side of her that takes my breath away. I never notice that she's almost 42. I don't care if she gains 20lbs. I love her. Then there is the side that refuses to take responsibility for her behavior, who twists everything around so that either I'm upset about it, but, that normal people wouldn't feel that way, it's actually my fault, or that my past crap makes it OK for her to behave this way. I would do most anything for the one and have to get away from the other.

I believe I've finally reached a point of growth for myself where I can look much more objectively at things good and bad. The next two weeks will be a time spent thinking about her and me and our R and M. I will analyze things to the nth degree and then I will synthesize a handful of conclusions. These I will take to our next MC appointment and decide from there the path to take. It may well be that she is unwilling to change and we need to part ways. If the problem is her, no change on my part will fix the problem.

S&S, thanks for the cheers. Sadly, I'm at the place right now where I'd like to live the life I didn't between 21 and 26. It's not possible with 3 kids at home with me. I've got the nanny to come over for 3-4 hours a couple of times, but, not to many people want to come over to watch the kids from 2300-0300 ;-)

At this point, I need to change my focus just a bit and put more emphasis on the dad role. It could use the focus for a while and if we do split, they will need me more than ever.

The old me would have been barely functional today. The new me is having an amazing day. Every day is amazing because I've finally found me and now I'm living where I used to just exist. The bad circumstances can't steal my amazing day.

Dan