Cmon on up for the Rising on the Lake Erie Shore

[NikB]

You're welcome Suzanne (and anyone else it's helpful for). I have spent HOURS on that site, and I still learn something new everytime I go there.

Pisces - great description.

[jandn]

Thanks for the website, just printed all 9 pages out. Have seen it on other places but was just cruising through after reading up my post http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1513686 which is about LRT, Detaching, and going dark.

[ndsmhelp]

okay so here's a quandry that i've been thinking about...

how do i implement my goals, yet detach and make changes for myself? if i'm watching for her reaction to my action, am i really detached? or is that unconditional love?

just a question.....

Hey Neil
Still have not caught up on your whole story, but popped in and saw this. Guess I know now why you said people are giving us the same advice.

I did a real good job at detaching last night....NOT. Out to dinner with wife, got drunk, ML, etc, etc.

Then the way she acted and the things she said, just make it even harder to think about not spending time with her.

Will start over tonight and try again. It is just so freakin hard trying to make myself WANT to be away from her and go do things on my own. Thinking the best start will be work around the house. Even though that will not get me away from her, it is my GAL, and a long standing issue in our marriage. Whether I end up with her in that house or not, there are things that I can do that will just plain make her happy.

That is MY best idea for loving her unconditionally. Doing anything and everything I can to give her the "nest" she always wanted, whether I am there with her or not.

T

[Neilh23]

interesting. i believe i have trouble detaching....a little anyways..LOL...

i really think my biggest problem is forgiving myself for how i treated her......it's like i had this image of myself that i was this great husband...and in many ways i probably was/still am....but not inthe ones i BELIEVED i was good at.....and i hurt her. if i could just DO that, then i think i could be completely OK......it's like i'm lookig for her to forgive me before i can forgive myself....and in my mind, forgiveness from her, is obviously, reconciliation.

that's a problem i need to get past.

How?

any ideas? and please don't say i just have to forgive myself...because i know that. I need something more action oriented.

[Neilh23]

i've been thinking a bit about my sitch..

and my W hasn't really put me on this roller coaster of emotions...like hse's almost closed herself off emotionally from me. So this roller coaster that i was on earlier this week......my own doing.

Is this normal? For the WAW to close themselves off emotionally? I mean, my W hasn't called about the kids in a long time....... she's inquired about me..... but its not like your sitch Tdad where you KNEW things were gong to be ok because she called that week you were gone. I know every sitch is different..... I guess this detachment thing is alot harder than it sounds. I thought i was doing pretty good too...LOL...

i wonder if she experienced the same emotional upheaval that i did this past weekend after our Pool time?

not that it matters mind you...but it would make me feel a little better to think she's struggling just as i am...

[NikB]

Your W is detaching.. it's normal, and I know really scary. You'll BOTH go through a process of detaching. For me anyway it was almost tougher "feeling" my H detach than doing it myself. If you read through that coping.org stuff it might help some. It'll help you see that some level of detachment is important even in a happy, healthy R.

It's also pretty normal that she's pulling away after some closeness / intimacy, so I bet she's struggling a bit too.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

So this roller coaster that i was on earlier this week......my own doing.

The roller coaster is ALL you. Its all you.

i wonder if she experienced the same emotional upheaval that i did this past weekend after our Pool time?

Why?

Your energy is better used focused elsewhere. If she did, she is still where she is at, and if she didn't then...well she didn't. Don't go looking for trouble, and trying to figure them out is looking for trouble.

[ndsmhelp]

interesting. i believe i have trouble detaching....a little anyways..LOL...

i really think my biggest problem is forgiving myself for how i treated her......it's like i had this image of myself that i was this great husband...and in many ways i probably was/still am....but not inthe ones i BELIEVED i was good at.....and i hurt her. if i could just DO that, then i think i could be completely OK......it's like i'm lookig for her to forgive me before i can forgive myself....and in my mind, forgiveness from her, is obviously, reconciliation.

that's a problem i need to get past.

How?

any ideas? and please don't say i just have to forgive myself...because i know that. I need something more action oriented.

Man...I am going to be no help to you bud. You are me...LOL. Those are my thoughts to a tee...if she could just forgive me everything would be OK. Then everyone says to forgive yourself. That is not me as I have spent most of my life beating myself up for past mistakes. My motto in life has always been...shoulda - woulda - coulda.

I think I have at least got to a point where I know what I have to do. As much "fun" as I have had with the wife the last few months, I am finally looking at things a little more seriously. Mostly I just thought if I kept her entertained and had fun she would come around....well four months of that and we did have fun, but she is still on track....and if you read my last post, the two of us probably 2 steps away from AA. Wonder if she would go with me for support??? Not funny, I know, but man have we drank like marines the last few months.

Now, just like you, how to detach, how to get my mind off this and GAL. The ideas are all there, I just have to break free from the thought process I have imprinted on my brain the last few months...which is the one I put there after the last 20 years...trying again tonight. Wife is at her brothers, so at least I won't see her as soon as I get home. I will try to get focused on something else so when she gets there I am not focusing on her.

[jandn]

That answers my ? how I feel W has detached from me also. But, she slips up at times and keeps that anger face on. Just doesnt call much or when she does is strictly business or tries to talk about other stuff. Guess we need to be the bigger one and detach better than them.

[pisces9]

"Blame wastes emotional energy on resentment and anger. It defeats the purpose of uncomfortable emotions, which motivates behavior that heals and improves our lives."

Blaming yourself or your spouse....

i got this from a website - cant remember which...but it is very helpful and i have it posted on my computer with a post it....