Another one joins the flock (Part II)

[Mike85]

Jack:

Yes, I played the game, as did the three-year-old. Two times. Then the youngest bailed. I liked it.

He's calling the game "Flash Board" because he uh...."borrowed" the characters from some flash games and movies he had been doing online (stuff involving a cat named Nabi and a bunny named Doki, as well as Kirby and Pacman - the videogame guy, not the football player...).

Between him inventing games and wanting to "MST3K" goofy movies and cartoons on his own, he's got quite the brain! He makes me very proud and happy dad.

[Mike85]

Criminy - what a night last night.

Wife finally got the time to call oldest son to assure him that it was OK that he didn't go to scout camp. During their conversation, of which I heard his half (and part of hers, due to the phone being set so loud...), he told her that he never wanted to go to the camp but was afraid to say anything b/c she was determined to sign him up for so many things this summer. She apologized to him. Wow.

I was disappointed that wife didn't tell him to hand phone to me afterwards and b/c when I texted her to tell her "nice job" and how son was happier now, she sent a three-word "glad he's happier" reply. Part of me felt bummed, but the other part of me said to not read anything into it. Latter part of me is right.

Son's bf called to see if he could come over for sleepover. I told him OK. When his dad (my friend Dave) dropped him off, we ended up talking about stuff with my new job, football, more football, how I spent last weekend, more football, and then HE brought up wife and OM. I pointed out that I'd been working on GAL an didn't really want to get into that area. He said that he just wanted to give me a head's up on wife's excessive spending and thought I'd be interested to know that OM's "needy, Type A" behavior has managed to alienate a lot of the lake crowd and that wife and OM have been seen squabbling. I reiterated that as much as one would think I'd like to "dish," on them, I *really* was trying to focus on me and the kids and moving on. Moved conversation back to football.

After Dave left, a former co-worker called, kept me on the phone for an hour, thankfully about her own job search. Her only reference to my home sitch was giving me "props" for sounding stronger and for learning how to run the household.

Then, an old friend/frat brother called b/c he heard about my home sitch. Kept me on the phone 'til 1 am. It was fun to touch base and tell old stories, but whenever we got to the home life stuff, he could not believe that I was doing DB and kept telling me I was a "schmuck." He telling me that I was nuts for even THINKING of taking her back. I kept trying to explain how I still love her, want to work with her on fixing things, etc., but it was pointless. Thankfully, his lovely wife broke in to talk to me while he went to shoot at some raccoons that were attacking their garbage, and she told me that I was doing the right thing for me, for wife, for the kids, and for my family. She also tipped me off that her hubby was a few sheets to the wind and to take anything he said with a huge grain of salt. he got back on the phone, and I told him that what I needed most from him was his support, regardless of how he feels about my tack. He wound up by pointing out that he is my friend and Brother and will be there to back me, no matter what.

I was so drained by the time I went to bed. My sons and son's friend trashed the house - toys everywhere. I had spent waaaaaay too much time involved in wife/OM discussion and my mood reflected it.

Wife is coming over to snag the kids for the day. I'm going to be chipper with her and not obsess on our lack of contact yesterday. Since it has FINALLY stopped raining and is now sunny and nice, I'm going to spend some time outside. lawn's too wet to mow, hedges are too wet to trim, so just boppin' around, soaking up the sun, and knocking back a casual beer may be just the tonic I need.

[Mike85]

Wife came to pick up kids. I made a point of sounding downright perky.

In her minivan was the asshat, aka OM. Grrrrrrrrrr.

To quote a poster from an old sports webboard to which I used to belong:

[Cheesey French-Canadian hockey player accent] "I ate eem with my 'ole eensides!"[/Cheesey French-Canadian hockey player accent]

She chit-chatted for a bit, picked up some sewing stuff, and before she left, she gave me the usual big hug and smooch. Told me that she would be bringing back the kids around 7 tonight.

Just had to vent.

And if my French-Canadian hockey player quote brought a smile to anyone's face, it was well worth it.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Want a smile Mike?

Wonder how OM feels when she hugs and kisses you with him watching, especially if they are on the outs.

Hope your smiling now.

[Mike85]

Jack:

Thanks for that! You're absolutely right!

Big smile on my face right now.

[Mike85]

In-laws just stopped by. Nice visit. FIL's Parkinson's symptoms weren't as pronounced today.

We discussed various things, including their daughter. OM has been trying to ingratiate himself with them, and they're not buying it (they tolerate him). He had the freaking cajones to tell them at dinner last week that he'd love to have FIL's power tools when FIL & MIL sell their house and move to the assisted living facility. My freaking G_D!!! No wonder my private pet name for him is "asshat."

FIL said that he still reads the note I wrote him in the card I sent him for his 75th bday a few weeks back (MIL said that it makes him cry). FIL said that although no one can replace his departed son, I sure come damned close. I helped him back to the car (didn't have to carry him today...good sign). MIL gave me a bear hug and big kiss.

Little things like that help make the day better.

And hey, wife will be bringing the kids back in about 15 minutes. It just got even better!

[Mike85]

Yesterday was not a good one. Oh, it started OK - my boys and I playing around the house, breakfast, cartoons...

The I took oldest son (age 9) to his counselor. I played with younger son in waiting room. Counselor led oldest son out into waiting room and the said he wanted to talk to me.

Counselor said that my son has negative feelings toward the OM. Shocker. But, the counselor said that in his experience, any and all negative feelings MUST have come from the jilted spouse. I said that I make a point of not discussing OM with the kids, but counselor said that even if that was true, my not discussing OM sends a signal of negativity about OM. Said that OM is an "adult, deserving of dignity and respect" and that I should speak positively about him.

Uh....WHAT?!?!

Counselor then went on and basically said "Look, this guy, for better or worse, is a part of your sons' lives and may very well become their stepdad, so it's in their best interests for you to get along with this guy." I pointed out that wife and OM have been a couple for a whopping two and a half months, that OM is a 30-year-old alcoholic with a penchant for going AWOL when stressed, and has demonstrated a glaring inability or unwillingness to deal with the kids. Counselor said I was in denial and described the DB philosophy as something could pursue to make myself feel better, but that eventually I'd have to have to "face the fact that it's over."

Here's the funny part: he freaking then said that he was basing his opinions on his own experiences as a marriage counselor - that almost all of the couples with whom he worked split up. He asked me what I thought that meant.

My response: "That you suck as a marriage counselor and should stick to dealing with counseling kids."

I told him that my/our counselor, who holds a PhD, is published, and has a high success rate in getting couples to reconcile, is supporting my efforts (while also warning me about their being no guarantees).

I told the guy that I hope to hell that he didn't share his negative opinions with my kid. He said he didn't. The guy did have some valid points about how wife and I (and our friends) have to watch what we say and do more carefully when the kids may be in earshot (son repeated parts of conversations he had overheard from wife, OM, myself, and others). Son recounted episodes of wife and OM bickering (which kind of upends counselor's argument about me being the sole source of son's negative opinion of OM...).

The whole experience left me in a funk for the rest of the day. I had to keep doing the "though stopping" technique Michele discusses and also remind myself how flipping early we are in the whole process. Kids and I borrowed a DVD of "Eragon" from the library, popped popcorn, and had a great movie night (3-year-old fell asleep on me, all curled up). But once the kids were in bed, the sadness came back. I prayed (Hedge Prayer, Anglican prayer beads), read more from another cheesy SW book, and fell asleep... only to have a dream in which wife and I were at a party as a couple and she announced her adultery proudly while we were there.

Woke up in a funk, cleaned the house while the kids played, did sit-ups, and tried to change my mindset. I've got old college friends visiting from Virginia (making a swing through while visiting relatives). Since I've got the kids with me, it'll be easy to keep the conversation steered away from wife and our R.

Hopefully, today will be better. At least the weather is nicer.

[Mike85]

Thoughts after a loooooooooong hot shower (in a freshly-cleaned bathroom):

- Wife dropped off kids Friday, left me with a positive vibe. We've had no contact since then, meaning that SHE has given me no reason to feel negative since then.

- We're TWO AND A HALF MONTHS into this. I'm still a "short-timer!" Hell, wife has left a bunch of stuff in the house, still hasn't gotten around to dealing with a mediator, and has gone from a seething hatred of me to hugs and friendly kisses in less than six weeks. Are we where I want us to be? Of course not. Are my wounds still fresh and smarting? Hell yes! But, as you all keep reminding me: "PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE!!!"

- My son's counselor has thus far sort of refused to listen to more background info on our home situation, as he feels that it focuses "too much" on me and wife and not enough on kids. IMNSHO, this means he's working on incomplete information. I'm going to remind him at our next visit that HE works for ME and, like any "hired gun" (even one with a Master's), he should take his employer's concerns seriously or be prepared to have my business go elsewhere.

- He disagrees with my counselor's views on DB. But, MY counselor's PhD trumps his Master's. Neener neener.

- The fact that he admitted that his "experience" is that most of the couples he counsels split should have been a red flag to me regarding the value of his opinion. In fact, I think I recall Michele warning of that attitude in marriage counselors.

The guy made some valid points here and there, he comes highly recommended for child counseling, and my son seems to like him. I'll have the conversation I mentioned above with him (in a mature manner) and see how he responds. If he refuses to bend, then I *will* seek someone who won't send negative messages regarding the prospects of our reconciliation to my son. It's one thing to explore his feelings regarding the possibilities, it's another to pitch divorce as the most likely option.

Today, I resolve to not let my son's counselor's opinion put a cloud on yet another day. I'll meet his words in my mind with Oddball's retort: "Always with the negative waves Moriarty, always with the negative waves." The mental image of Donald Sutherland saying that alone will make me smile.

[Mike85]

MIL called today. Asked if I'd be willing to come out and mow their lawn (they don't have mower, and even if they did... they're 70 & 75 years old). Grabbed mower, weed-whacker, gas, and kids, and headed on out there.

Should have brought a scythe. Holy carp!

After two and a half hours of mowing, raking, re-mowing, weed-whacking, edging, and then cleaning up their 0.2 of an acre lot, I was beat. Kids were playing inside with their grandparents. I hung out to cool off and replenish the liquid I had lost. Nice time. MIL & FIL mentioned that wife and OM were there earlier today. MIL wanted to "dish," but I said that I was trying to avoid that area of discussion, esp. around the kids, so we discussed my new job, books (MIL is reading "Pillars of the Earth" & I was wondering how it was...), etc.

When it was time to leave, kids and I got big hugs from MIL & FIL, who made a point of forcing himself up off the couch to hug me. God, it felt good. I do love my in-laws.

When kids & I got home, we were met by old college friends up from Virginia. They brought their three adopted greyhounds. My kids loved them. Weird-looking dogs, but so freaking sweet. Once again, avoided all discussion of wife and OM and instead caught up on their jobs, obsession with their dogs, my kids, my job, etc. Time flew.

Today more than made up for the "blues" of yesterday. I have to learn to not let certain situations, people, etc. send me into an emotional tailspin so easily.

This is hard. Not impossible, however.

[mishka422]

Mike - I'm so glad today went so much better than yesterday.

The interaction with the C sounds horrible! Have you looked for a different counselor for your kids? Even if he is a decent child specialist his negative opinion of M's in crisis has to rub off on your kids in some way. There is no way for any human being, no matter how professional, to keep their obvious disdain out of their interaction with your kids!