Another one joins the flock (Part II)

[momof2girls]

Your W and OM are early in their relationship...honeymoon stage, it is!! If she is still kissing and hugging you every time she sees you I bet things are not so happy in the Land of Don'tcarenoresponsibility.

You are doing very well and embracing the good life has sent your way.

Patience is the key!

[Mike85]

momof2girls:

Ahhhh, patience. So hard at times. But thank God I actually went for the new job and got it - it has not only perked up my spirits and reinvigorated me professionally, but it has occupied my time and mind in a productive way. I don't have TIME to dwell on wife and OM most days. Makes patience with my situation a little easier. I've told people, including my counselor, that it's amazing that something so positive could have been sparked by the worst crisis I've faced to this point in my life.

And, as you pointed out, wife and OM are early in their relationship. But, thanks to mutual friends and my in-laws, I've heard that some of the luster is fading already. Apparently, wife is discovering that the issue of late work nights and career stress didn't go away just b/c she moved out. And, of course, there are our kids, who no longer are on their best behavior anymore around OM. Nor are the kids impressed by him: they were gabbing (as a 9-year-old and 3-year-old will...) with a new coworker of mine, and I overheard my oldest son say that "my mommy has had to yell at [OM] for laying around the house and eating all the food" and that she's tired of having to keep going to the store b/c he's "eating all the groceries". Then my youngest chimed in with "yeah, [OM] is fat." Made me chuckle. It's petty, I'll admit, but I love the honesty of kids. (by the way, before some scold jumps in, I DO NOT talk badly about OM to the kids or have them spy on OM/wife or anything like that...kids just say the darndest things)

Whenever I get a little bummed about missing my wife, I just remind myself how early things truly are and how far we've come - I mean, right after wife dropped the bomb, she expressed a seething hatred of me and said my touch made her skin crawl... and now we're friends who exchange hugs and kisses and enjoyable conversations.

We still have a long way to go, however, and I just need to exercise that patience thing that you all keep mentioning...

[Mike85]

And the collateral damage of wife's MLC becomes more evident:

Oldest son (age 9) was supposed to go to scout day camp this week. The schedule was would have me dropping him off at 7:30 am each morning, he'd be off doing cool scouting stuff, and then he'd be brought back at 4:30. Wife and I signed him up for this (and paid for it) back in April, before me and the kids knew she was going to drop the bomb.

Well, son told wife (with whom he was that day) he didn't want to go on Monday b/c he didn't feel well. He had been sick that weekend with a stomach bug, so she didn't think anything of it. He didn't go.

On Tuesday, when I had him, he said that he still didn't feel well. Didn't go.

On Wednesday, he begged off again. I asked him if he *really* didn't feel well... of if he just didn't want to go. He started crying and told me that he didn't want to be "sent away" from his real home or be away from his brother and me all day. he said that he just wanted to spend time with me, his brother, and his house and his stuff.

I know that at this point my wife would have badgered him to go, first trying the angle about how much fun he'd have with all his scout friends, how he'd be doing all these cool things, and how it really wasn't that long and he would be back soon, and then eventually guilting him by mentioning how we'd sold wreaths and paid good money to sign him up for this thing. But looking at my little boy's face, I just couldn't do that. He's confused, he's sad, and he misses his normal life.

I've been letting him stay home with me this week. I do check with him each morning just to see if he's changed his mind for the day, but he hasn't yet.

The poor kid has a counseling session on Saturday, and I'm going to mention it to his therapist. I'm also going to broach the subject with wife, letting her know that son is more upset about the situation than he has let on.

My son also informed me that wife has left him and his brother alone with OM so that she could go grocery shopping or run household errands. He said that OM basically lays on the couch and watches TV or works on the boat, and sometimes tries to have conversations with them, but that he pretty much ignores them. Any early concerns I had that OM would try to step into the "daddy" role are long gone - it's evident to all that he tolerates my kids only b/c they come with the "package."

I don't think the kids are in any kind of danger, but it pisses me off that wife treats the times she has the kids as if they're not special. I understand that household chores need to be done, but to ditch the kids when you only have them 3-4 days a week?!? Hell, I do shopping too, but I bring the kids WITH me.

I have to keep in mind, however, that my source of info is a child. Don't know if I should even bring this up. Or if I do, how to do it w/o it becoming accusatory and argumentative.

Patience... patience...

[new_attitude]

Hi Mike,
I'm sorry that your son is having such a hard time. Poor kid. I do think you should tell your wife what is happening with him this week, but I wouldn't mention anything about OM watching them. Just my opinion, but I think she may take it as a judgement on her parenting and/or as a criticism of OM.

[Mike85]

na:

I think you're right. I'll mention his rough time this week but not mention anything about the OM. She didn't respond well the last time someone questioned his interaction with them.

Considering how positively I've seen wife and our sons interact when she drops them off or picks them up, I'm sure that she'll agree with my decision to let my son stay home. I'll go into the conversation with the "act as if" strategy. Besides - all it has done every day this week is rain, so he wouldn't have had that much fun at camp.

Speaking of the rain- b/c it has been raining for most of the week, it has sort of made my mood more depressed than usual. Thank God the kids are with me. Their nuttiness always cheers me up.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Mike,

Honest and hard question that deserves some introspection and an honest answer.

Before all of this with your wife, were your boys as high a prioriety as they are now to you?

My answer if you asked me would have been no.

So when my wife went to MLC La la land, and I reorganized my priorities...I would get pissed at my wife for 'abandoning' our boys...but in reality, it wasn't that much different.

I am offering to be careful with the righteous indignation.
The EX-smoker is harder on the smoker, the EX-fat person makes more fun of fat people...

Mike,

Has anyone told you not to attack the OM?

One other caution, as a father to a father of two boys.
Do not coddle your boys, yes what is going on sucks, but do not cripple them and their future for the instant comforts either.
Your boy WOULD have fun at scout camp. Plain and simple. Our desire to comfort them and take away all their worry and concerns, shouldn't mean they don't have to face new challenges.

[Mike85]

Jack:

You're right about my attitude changing re my sons after the bomb. Yes, they are a bigger priority for me for several reasons, not the least of which is that I only have them for half the week. I'm also worried about how our situation is impacting them. I would have thought that these issues would also have crossed my wife's mind, since she's in the same boat (granted, she's the one who put us there...).

Yes, I've been told not to attack the OM - from what I've read, by my counselor, etc. I don't attack him directly, don't attack him to wife. don't attack him to the kids. I've been diligent about following that line. I refuse to defend him however, to other adults who happen to bring him up. The objective fact is that he is not a good person based upon what he is doing. Period. I won't engage in attacks (as fun as that would be) but I sure as hell am not going to make him out to be some great Joe who mistakenly found himself with a woman who just happened to be married.

I appreciate your advice about not coddling my boys, but under the circumstances, I still believe my decision was warranted. Oldest son had, up to that point, seemed surprisingly well-adjusted and almost chipper (even his pediatrician and therapist said so and were almost waiting for the other shoe to drop). He expressed his feelings in a way that I valued and saw literally no point in forcing him to get dressed and spend pretty much the entire day away from his home every day this week when he felt the way he did. Until such time as he discusses his issues with his therapist on Saturday, I'm going to follow my instincts for now. He doesn't need another parent who seemingly wants to shuffle him off.

Besides, it has poured every single day this week, and one of the scout moms told me that the kids were miserable, cold, and wet.

Scout camp happens every year, and besides, he's still doing soccer camp twice a week.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Mike,

Hey man, I noticed that you said it was raining...after I posted that. To that I agree. Going to the scout camp in the rain always sucked.

Coddle...perhaps the wrong choice of words, I'd like to ammend it with:

Over Compensate.

Just be aware of it, not pointing a finger or anything, just pointing out the potential dangers.

Something that I think might ring true with you.

Every Generation right up until ours, was taught early that life wasn't fair, and look what those generations did. Our generation(s) were taught that life was fair, that life owed us...and look at us, we (generalization) don't strive.

[Mike85]

No worries about me overcompensating (at least most of the time).

I crack up some of the older folks near me in stores when one of my kids grabs some toy or comic book and says they want it.

I almost invariably ask: "Hey, that's great - did you bring your money?"

If the kid responds with "No" or "I don't have any money," then I say "Well, I guess you've got a problem then, sport... maybe you need to work and earn some." Then we just keep moving along.

The kids have started realizing that with mommy gone, although we're not broke by any means, we're having to watch our money better. The oldest has watched me paying bills and come with me to the bank. He's heard me canceling unnecessary stuff (like daily newspapers - just get the Sunday one, and that's mostly for coupons) and getting books from the library instead of buying them. I think it's a good lesson for him. Of course, he sees mommy and OM buying a boat, a dog, wakeboarding supplies...I wonder what lesson he's getting there.

Sort of on the same subject, I've managed to drop our grocery bills by buying stuff the kids will actually eat. I never understood wife's urge to spend hours making marinated chicken, herb-roasted potatoes, green beans almondine...for two young kids that would rather wolf down sloppy joes, french fries and corn. Buying in bulk ain't pretty, but it's feeding us healthy food cheaply.

Chalk up home economics to something else I've had to learn courtesy of wife's mlc.

Edit: My oldest kid just turned around and asked me if I wanted to play a boardgame he just MADE HIMSELF. Wow. The kid used to live for GameCube and online stuff, and he spent the last hour or so drawing a board, pieces, and writing out rules.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Mike 3 things:

1) That is COOL!!!!
2) I am hoping you are playing.
3) What is it called? Don't wake the OM! (Two drums and cymbal fall off a cliff)