Mulesqb - Still alive and Kickin'

[mulesqb]

Journal - Another strange night. About 20 minutes after I got home our power went out until 1am. My W and I got along. After we had dinner I tried to give her some space as that is what she says she needs right now. So I went to sit on the front porch. 5 minutes later she comes out. And when the kids came out to see where we are - she told them to go inside. I stayed with her for about 10 minutes and then went inside to our dark living room (I had given the boys flashlights and they were in the next room playing with Duncan). 5 minutes later my W comes in and sits on the couch across from me and lays down.

I called the boys to come in and we sit down and start talking. At first my W joined in then she started to get quiet. She looked like she wanted to take a nap after about 10 minutes so I get up and say ok boys let's go downstairs and let Mommy rest. She says - no- don't go anywhere, please stay here and hang out. I was stunned. She spent all morning telling me she needs space and 3x I tried to give it to her and 3x she wouldn't take it.

I laid down on the floor and played this game with the boys - it's called "the championship of me". Each kid asks questions about themselves (like my favorite movie, food, 2nd favorite, etc..)S10 kept asking her to play but she wasn't. She was just annoyed at S14 - said he was talking too much and too loud. We had fun but she remained silent.

My W went out on the front porch and asked me to have a dessert with her.

We eventually went up to bed. My S10 was scared so i stayed with him for a while. I went to bed and my W eventually came up. She woke me up this morning again to ask me what i am doing in our sitch. She asked in her old loving voice - I wanted to hug and kiss her so bad - it was all I could think about while she was talking - this can be torture! I told her I came back yesterday morning because I want her to know that I am here for her. She said that was really nice but she thought I had an attitude last night. I couldn't believe that-I thought we got along well. She said I had a look on my face again-I said I didn't understand and wasn't upset at anything last night. I told her that at times maybe I am thinking about things and that I want to just give her a hug but don't feel comfortable doing so. She said she understood.

Then she said that i am doing too much with the kids and trying to make her look bad. I asked who I am trying to make her look bad to - and she said them. She said that i overdue it. I said I didn't agree and that I love them and want to do as much as i can with them. She said she felt like an outsider last night when we were playing our game - I told her that S10 kept asking her to play and that she should have. She reiterated that she doesn't have fun with them and doesn't like to do things that they like. I reminded her that I told her I would pick up the slack for her a few weeks ago because of the way she felt. She remembered but repeated that I am overdoing it. Quite honestly, I don't think anything has changed - i'm not doing any more or less than i have ever been doing - she is just doing a lot less. Very frustrating.

Before she left, she complained about her new job and said the days are long and they want her in to early. She has been telling me for weeks how great this job is and I have been doing nothing but supporting. She also asked me to please go on the Lake George trip with her, that she really needs it - but won't go without me. I told her I would and she asked not to hold it over her head.

There was more but it was more inconsistency and hot and cold stuff. Man this is so hard!!