My father left yesterday and D is back w/ W, so now I'm able to connect w/ all of you again. The past few days were interesting as we dropped off D on Tuesday and W invited my dad and I to come in and eat w/ her. We did and it was nice. W loves my father and she was smiling and happy to see him.
We parted ways and dad and I came back here to keep working on a few things. W sent a couple of texts and tried to call twice while I was outside painting. When I cleaned up and checked the phone, her last message was "call me." So, I did and we talked about D's difficulty w/ pooping and what her diet had been, etc. There weren't any accusations at all and the conversation was good. Once I talked w/ D for a bit and got off the phone, dad and I cleaned up and went out to eat.
At dinner, I noticed her other text: "is your dad ok? he cried" to which I replied, "he cried b/c he loves and misses you." W responed telling me that she loves him too and that she was sore from working out. Well, here I took a shot and started flirting w/ her about rubbing her muscles and she was receptive. We ended up flirting a bit throughout the evening and it was good.
I had my DB session w/ my coach yesterday morning while dad was asleep and I relayed the events to her of the past week or so. We decided that flirting is good and W seems to like that. My DB coach also talked about her abusive language and we concluded that I've been enabling her to talk to me like that b/c I've been reacting to it and defending myself from it.
So, I need to go back and remember to only reward the good while ignoring the bad from W. I can do this b/c it is clear and pretty easy for me to see. We also went over my anxiousness to hear from her which isn't attractive at all, so I need to remember that "less is more" in order to be "harder to get" as Phoenixdeux and SPM have pointed out. I can do this as well.
Finally, we talked about my actions to her in the past - my 180. I've come to realize that I would treat other people better than her at times b/c I somehow mistakenly believed that b/c we were married, she "understood" and "knew" I wasn't mad at her, but just feeling safe to vent. I know. It is crazy, but it is how my thoughts went and how many married people think. We tend to believe the BS of "hurt the ones you love the most" b/c they'll understand and accept it.
It is wrong. Simply wrong. We decided it is time for me to tell her these things when the subject comes up next. I'm actually looking forward to it b/c it is something I should have told her a long time ago. NOTE: this doesn't excuse her actions, but is simply work on my actions and for me and me alone.
My DB coach left me feeling more positive and confident w/ my situation b/c she said it is refresing and energizing to work w/ a man who is so willing to embrace change...and I am. She also said there isn't any need for me to get too anxious b/c W is showing that she just can't find it in herself to leave me alone. Every time she tries to get away, she comes back a bit, so I need to look at this as a very big positive and use the knowledge of it to help my situation. The road is still very, very long, but I feel better about travelling it.
I later went to ocunseling and my C and I talked about how I assumed W would understand if I yelled at her and not take it personally. He basically reinforced what my DB coach and I had said on the subject, which was also good to hear. We also talked about my latest challenge - breaking the bad, bad habit of being chronically late - but that is for another time.
Yesterday, I didn't have much contact w/ her, but I did send her a text asking for her to give me some or all of the money she committed to spending on getting the house up for market sale. She didn't reply to it, but last night she called me to tell me D had "finally pooped" and then D had her read two stories aloud for me to hear while we were on the phone. The call lasted for almost 50 minutes. It was good conversation that wasn't harsh or mean at all.
So that is where I am now. However, as we know, it may all change today or tomorrow. I'm feeling pretty good w/ the stuff my DB coach said to me about how to deal w/ W, so I think I can get a handle on stuff w/ her. It makes more sense now.
As usual, I'll keep you all in the loop. Talk to you soon. RTL
