Losing, in a curious way, is winning.

[Bridgestone]

when you get to the end of that circle (right back where you started from) you have to find a way to move left or right.. and start a new circle. Now.. someone has to lead.. really they do.

I'm in counseling, reading new things trying to get a different perspective that allows me to 'do something different' in the moment than I would otherwise. Having the confidence to Speak up for example. There have been times I have chosen to speak my mind & make my thoughts, emotions, wants clear in the room. Sometimes it makes a difference, yet during the times he 'shoots holes in them with his logic', I want to quit. Someday I'll have more energy to be confident in the assertations I put out in the room longer. I am different than I was 2 weeks ago, and definately than 2 years ago. Right now, changing me in a way that is healthy for me, is enough right now.

I have long felt that the WAS is in just as much pain.. and has endured more pain than the LBS. So we can take from that.. the WAS is breaking the cycle.

I would agree

Thats a good thing.. and yet.. its a bad thing. Right here is the fight that is DB.com How does one LBS.. or WAS.. make things better?

I'm trying to make me better. I hope he is trying to make him better. When we come together how the new 'me' & 'he' interact needs to be tried on. And sometimes it is still really really ugly... but I also think it is at those times that we are not the 'new me & he' but the old. The patterns of interaction, percpetions, assumptions, & attitudes, didn't get to this place over night, it will not change over night either.

One commitment we made to each other was to try and maintain a friendship. That has been the one thing that seemed to have kept both of us in contact outside of being parents.

How can you be friends with someone who is WA. How can you be friends with someone who acts like a crazy fool? This.. I don't get.

detachment to a level that their choices don't create the gut reaction in you the way it does when you're emeshed.

My current philosophy is: it is almost impossible for us to tackle the major issues of the R without more effective communications tools.

The second you think it.. someone can see it.

You do need some Snap-On quality tools. Now you do pay a premium for them. Usually about 3 times what a tool normally costs. The reason they cost so much.. is because they take the time to make them right. There is that "Time" word again.. it always seems to come up.

It will take Time.. we have only been trying these new tools for a few weeks, maybe a hour or so a day. I need to give it Time. The see-saw need a chance to rebalance. I just hate it the bone-jarring hurt I get when it doesn't rebalance before my end slams to the ground. I need to remember that when it is hurting, is when we have the opportunity to learn.

If we can tackle the issues of the R, then work on rebuilding a new R for a new M. It still is a roller coaster of a ride, we're just in different cars.

The second you WA.. "He" moves to the front.. "You" move to the back.

Not sure I understand this analogy so much. But I can say that when he is verbally abusive or make work-aholic choices that affect our kids... we aren't in the same car then either. I can only change me, living with him is not healthy for me when he is verbally abusive. I can not change that, only he can. I can do what I need to do for me to be healthy, which at this point is for me to live separately. I can not change his work habits & choices, only he can. I don't have to like it though. No more than he has to like me WA.

I have always thought the back was more "Fun".

Oh me too!! Way more air time from the seat!!

How bout we get off.. stand in line.. and ride in the middle?

Not sure about that one right now. I suppose it's an option, but until there are some changes, especially for my safety, that he can provide through consistant & regular behaviours, I'm choosing not to be in the same car where I'm strapped in with him.