Alien invasion 3.0

[hoosiermama]

Hey Hoosier - I've never posted to you before but have gotten to "know" you recently from, well, you know what thread.

I just wanted to say I think you've provided a lot of excellent advice and support in a very tough situation.

On your own sitch - (((Hoosier))). I can totally relate to the need for him to admit to the A, especially if you have solid evidence. I'm glad he at least put part of it out there. I do think it's a good idea to bring it up in MC, and Puppy had a great idea on how to do it (if you can muster up the strength to do that, I know it will be tough).

Hi, NikB, and thanks for the hug! I have some emails which detail the beginning of the A--the one which discusses how they both decided to "explore their feelings for each other from a foundation of honesty and healthiness," and "finding out if they are meant to spend their lives together" (this was 2 days before the bomb) as well as how H and I "agreed to a separation" (I didn't agree to any such thing) and after he had had his talk with D12 and felt "at peace about it." Wow--I've never felt so devastated in my life as when D found out, and I wasn't even the one leaving. Anyway, I don't have anything since the beginning of the A since I no longer have access to his email; I do have a few charges that showed up in our bank acct that seem to be H stopping to pick up wine and pizza on his way to her horse farm (in the next county). If I do push this issue in MC, that will be the end of MC and I'm doubtful any good will come of it--they both know that I know, I know this has to run its course and it's in the early stages, OW will dump him for the same reasons she dumped him 22 years ago. Neither of us is going to talk him out of it, he won't be shamed or guilted into ending it because he's certain he's entitled, and he could begin to get ugly about money and visitation. Those are my initial and gut reactions, anyway. I have 2 weeks to ponder it.

[hoosiermama]

Just sending a hug, cos I read Sofaraways reply on Lost Phils thread and well you know the rules on "the Man's" thread.

Holy Cow! It just dawned on me. Our friend with the aforementioned thread is a dry drunk! Definition: "Although dry drunk is not a medical diagnosis, the phrase is used by members of AA to describe a group of symptoms which they believe come about as a result of not following the twelve steps. A person who quits drinking without embracing the tenets of AA as the means to quit drinking will experience many unpleasant feelings and exhibit maladaptive behaviors. These feelings are said to include despair, anger, rage, depression, and anxiety and are expressed in behavior stemming from those types of feelings. This dry drunk state is thought to lead, virtually without exception, to the resumption of an even more intensive and harmful drinking spree. A recovering alcoholic who is no longer drinking but whose thought processes are considered to continue to be distorted by the thought patterns of addiction." Sound familiar? I'm sure he'll be open to hearing all about it so that he can get better! NOT.

[NikB]

Ahh hoosiermama good points. Definitely keep your eye on the long term goal of taking the best possible care of YOU regardless of how things turn out with H.

I do wonder if you'll really get much "closure" in MC with him. My dad's going through a D from my Stepmom - and I kid you not, she sits down with him and has a heart to heart about the "why," the "what happened" all of it once a month or so. It's been 16 months or so and he still re-approaches her with all the same questions. It just isn't helping him to talk to her about it. And, you make very good points that he won't be shamed or guilted into stopping it. If it'll hurt you in other ways, probably not worth it. I know, I'm really helpful, "arguing" both sides. Just saying I can see it both ways I guess - so it's a very individual decision. Glad you have a little time to think about it.

About the "dry drunk" thing... yeah good possibility (except for the whole "I was never a drunk she was wrong" thing). One of my personal issues is getting too caught up in trying to help people to the point of it hurting me, so at least I had a chance to work on that "boundary"! I hope you'll do the same if it gets to be too much for you.

[naej]

Hey maybe that's why he's here to help us practise our boundary setting!
We surely cannot help him. I still believe the man is mentally ill. I constantly have to refrain from pointing out his amazing contraditions.
His grammar comment actually made me laugh. The reasons being glaringly obvious.

Well Hoosier, hope you have a better day, when do you actually leave your job?

[hoosiermama]

Thanks. I'm trying to think long-term, but I'm really caught up right now in just getting through the next couple of months. Or even the next day, in some cases. I have to readjust my goals. For much of my life I've focused on 2 things--having a family and getting to a point of doing the kind of job that I'm leaving. So both my goals ended almost simultaneously due to circumstances apparently beyond my control (or were they? Guess I need to figure that out) and I really hadn't focused much beyond that. I'd like to work on a Master's degree, but that's a fairly far-off goal financially.

I know that most of the work of resolution and finishing the unfinished will be on my own. The difficult part of MLC for me is that nothing makes any sense at all, the denial and fantasy are incredibly obvious, and there's tremendous pain for D and I just so that H can chase something that doesn't exist. How do you resolve that stuff? Talking with him at this point, even in MC, is just a replay of the same nonsense. It's "only" been 2 months, altho it seems like sooooo much longer, and I know that I will move through stages of grief and it won't hurt as much as it does now. It may begin to make a little more sense once I'm not so raw. And the anxiety will ease once I find another job and that piece isn't hanging over my head and money isn't so incredibly tight. I will eventually learn to detach, altho I haven't made much progress in that area. There was some peace in hearing H admit to at least part of what's going on with the OW.

Re: dry drunk--it is the repeated denials of the drinking having a negative effect on his family, as well as the resentment he expresses about his wife having a problem with it that clued me in to begin with. I'm not even sure about the "dry" part--some of his posts, especially later at night, certainly sound as if they were written in an inebriated state.

[hoosiermama]

Hey maybe that's why he's here to help us practise our boundary setting!
We surely cannot help him. I still believe the man is mentally ill. I constantly have to refrain from pointing out his amazing contraditions.
His grammar comment actually made me laugh. The reasons being glaringly obvious.

Well Hoosier, hope you have a better day, when do you actually leave your job?

Yeah, I know--the obvious cluelessness and amazing contradictions really suck us in, don't they! It's like they're crying out to be addressed. Definitely has some mental health issues.

My last day is officially August 31. Just found that out earlier this week.

[naej]

Re last paragraph, my thoughts exactly.

Hoosier, this is very very early days for you in the madness that has taken over your life, just be kind to yourself for there are no answers.
Getting a job and easing your money worries is enough to even think about now.
You sound strong-deep inside and you will come through this,whether you will ever understand it is a different matter.
It has taken me years to really detach and I doubt I will ever be a 100% successful at it.
My prayers will be with you.

[Neilh23]

Hoosiermama (great name BTW)

I admire how you continue to offer advice to a certain person in spite of the fact that he continues to not get it. Anything you can offer in way of advice, i would greatly appreciate.

Thanks.

[NikB]

((((Hoosiermama))))

Wow I had just recently started reading your thread and hadn't realized just how recent the bomb was for you!! You are doing incredibly well. I know you don't always FEEL it but you are really seeming cool, calm, composed. That's a huge accomplishment.

How do you resolve that stuff? Talking with him at this point, even in MC, is just a replay of the same nonsense.

I think that's the biggest problem - the one person who we hope can help us resolve it, answer the questions, etc. CAN'T help. They can give some answers, but nothing that's going to make us go "Ohhh that's why you're tearing our family apart."

I know that I will move through stages of grief and it won't hurt as much as it does now. It may begin to make a little more sense once I'm not so raw.

Absolutely, it will hurt less and less, and the duration of the hurt will get shorter. And it may make more sense eventually too - but if it doesn't, that's OK too.

Detaching will help tremendously. It's the hardest thing to do, but also the most beneficial to you. When you can step back and look at your H's behavior without it affecting you much, you'll feel so much better (I know, hard to believe it can happen, but keep working at it - you'll get there).

[Aud31]

Quote:
How do you resolve that stuff? Talking with him at this point, even in MC, is just a replay of the same nonsense.

I think that's the biggest problem - the one person who we hope can help us resolve it, answer the questions, etc. CAN'T help. They can give some answers, but nothing that's going to make us go "Ohhh that's why you're tearing our family apart."

This is absolutely on the mark. In the aftermath of betrayal, it seems like the answers can only come from the person who is screwing everything up...but reality is that life doesn't always hand you answers tied up in neat little packages.

At one point soon after the bomb, my H said to me: "A lot of this you are going to have to work out on your own." At the time it felt like a huge slap in the face...but it was true. Apologies, answers, etc. seem like a panacea until they come, and then you wonder if you really heard them or if you can trust them. Either way, you're pretty much on your own--well, not entirely. It's you and God. He'll hold your hand, comfort you, walk with you, carry you when you can't walk any further, and after some time learning how to detach, relax and leave it in His hands, you'll realize that you're okay. (((Hugs))