Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I dont believe it was magic that saved my M I do honestly believe it was a Miracle... and most of all it saved me.
Ali - I was on a path to self destruction and was about to destroy my family as well. This is so true, for me I think it was a Miracle that I turned around to face the problems in my marriage. Saving my marriage and making it a happy one again will ultimately be my saving grace too.
You and others here are helping to show me the path to finding that salvation. Thanks so much for sharing your stories.
You are very welcome Cinco~ FIB~ I have been praying for her honey and for you too!
Suzanne... it would be quite alright with me if you said you love me.... I am happy that I can make you feel good in such a tough time in your life... I can still remember Santhony , a fellow poster . he was there every single day and I can never ever thank him enough. Then when he left the boards along came COG~ I call them both my angels.... And I dare say I loved them too for the human beings that they are and the love they showed me everyday...
So I know what you mean honey... I tried my best to get you the links.. I am not as computer savvy as I would like and yet I will continue to work on it until my hubby pulls in the driveway.
~WOW THIS IS KIND OF HARD~ ~A CHALLENGE NONE THE LESS.... AND THEN I HAVE TO PUT THEM IN ORDER..........
~THERE ARE 2 YEARS WORTH OF THREADS SO THIS WILL TAKE SOME TIME.. HANG IN THERE... AND YOU DO LIKE TO READ DONT YOU, CAUSE THEY ARE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG~ BUT CHOCKED FULL OF GOOD STUFF!
"I have been here for 10 months and it has flown by and at the same time it has stood still. I am trying to break the mold even more and let myself be who I am and be stronger than yesterday. I am working on knowing it is ok to be strong, beautiful and loving at the same time. I need to give myself permission to be Happy and to do things just for me even more.
To MY H : I love you like I have never loved another, you fill me up and make me stronger and you take me to places unseen before and I want to love you all the days of my life and you mean the world to me, you make me smile bigger , love deeper and find a greater purpose for my love. You are my beginning and my end you are who I want to lay next to all the days of my life. You make me love you when you love me the way you do...you were getting so close , so close to being who you really are. But you need more from you.
I will always love you but I have left myself once again in the dark and I need to feel the sun on my face and be me~ I need to be able to feel and think and know it is ok and it is safe and I am loved also. Not because I fit into my skinny jeans or I made a fabulous dinner,, but just because I am ~ I am beautiful, loving and kind. I want for you to open your eyes and see me.. really see the WOMAN I am~ and so I must get stronger and take care of me.. and the love will be there and I will place you above all others as always but I must take care of me .
I have been taking so much care to love you and help you get strong and peel back the layers and really love you with out holding back and now I need to put the beauty back in me. I am stripped right now, stripped of all the essence of me from working so hard for so long. I will never stop and never waiver I will love you all the days of my life but it has to be ok for me to love me and take care of me~
You yourself told me to take care of me and I always go back to putting myself last. This time and year I really commit to taking care of me while loving you and my children. Without me loving myself I cannot be the Woman and Lover and Mother I need to be! And really I am not asking for your permission cause you already gave it to me months ago,, but I am in essence giving it to myself~
1. take care of me by putting in healthy good foods 2. take care of me by getting some free time in just for me everyday. 3. take care of me by remembering I AM WORTHY~ BEAUTIFUL,STRONG,LOVING AND KIND~ 4. take care of me by getting my beauty back 5. take care of me by remembering that I have worked so hard for this and I deserve to ENJOY it~ 6. take care of me by taking time to work out daily again 7. TAKE CARE OF MY BY HONORING THE BEAUTIUFL CHILD OF GOD THAT I AM AND LOVING YOU ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE~
You answered my prayers when I knew it would take a Miracle to resurrect my MARRIAGE, now please help me to find the strength to love myself even more and not be afraid and rejoice in who I am. I find beauty in others why do I not see it in me? God help me find strength to love ......I deserve to be loved back just the way I love... a new change is coming to me and it is going to be hard but I will do this and it will be good. I will not be afraid for you will help me when I am weak and you will hold me up when I think I cannot go on another day. Loving my H is easy and my children too but loving me more than I do now , ......that is a challenge and it should not be ... enough is enough~ GOD bless...."
OH, MY GOSH Golly Gee, Ali,
This stuff is gorgeous. Can I borrow it and send it to my H?
Sure.. only I never sent it to my H~ I would just journal here all my emotions.... and the very last part was to GOD cause he never let me down.... my H and I had a mini argument just a bit ago!!!!!!!!!!!! ,,, I will elaborate later. I feel sad.. sad that he is different in so many ways and yet he still has a way to go... Not sad like I am laying on the floor just a little sad... ~Ali
Ok, so it feels like dejavu and yet I am ok and I am centered. I am angry and hurt and I want to get thru this and not blow up.
My H is his own boss and he has crews.. he gets here today and he is pretty much romancing the crew cause you know the worked their a**es off for 2 weeks.
Check..
Well he went to go fishing with them, I'll be right back.
Check...
In good June Cleaver fashion
it is now 11 pm and I call him to see if he is on his way .... he is at a bar...
Check....
The reason I am so upset? The drug addict girl and all her friends hang out at this bar... I am 100% sure he isnt "romancing" one of them but that isnt the point....
so it just gets my knickers in a twist. I know it shouldnt he loves me and I am a grown a** Woman .. but nonetheless my knickers are in a twist!
This is what it makes me feel like...
They are there and they get to enjoy my husbands company and me I am here at home in our bedroom. I waited 2 weeks to see him and then this? It says to me sure he has to romance the guys some but now it also looks to everyone and me especially like he could give a rats a** if he romances me?
I dunno , I dont feel like I am overreacting....
and then they gossip about him and he is there like an idiot.. and really more than anything I feel like an idiot... I dunno it takes me back to a place I dont want to go.
and the arguement this afternoon was over his jealousy and then I brought up that the girl called the other day looking for one of his crew members at midnite and how dare he get jealous over what he was mad about. That I trusted him and yet I didnt appreciate her behavior.
I am upset and I feel like I want to just back into my shell where it is safe...
I am feeling like on paper this sounds trivial.. I assure you it is not ... too many old bad memories of him going out...
and he does go out on occassion and I am ok with it .. its just that he just got home... couldnt he have spent the nite with me?
I dont really think I am that high or low ( BEAR) it is just that my reaction is still I think in tune with the old him and I want to trust him and then something tells me if you keep giving him an inch he is going to take a mile.... and then I want to keep in tune with the new trusting me and I feel like I like that new calmer me.
Who when he comes home doesnt want to drill him.....
I dunno what I am going to say but I will have to say something...
It makes me feel like they are laughing at me and it hurts..... to me it is just plain disrespectful!!!!
I want to be above this I really do and I just dont know how to make him understand it is offensive. He always tells me I love you honey , I respect you. But to me his actions say otherwise......... What scares me most is I wont fight for this again. I will not go there again with him... and I talk in extremes cause he takes me there with his erratic behavior at times............
I know I can only control myself....
am I being a Latina drama queen or is my anger valid.
I mean I know it is valid but someone please tell it to me straight....
THIS IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW... HE DOESNT GET THAT IT HURTS MY FEELINGS PLAIN AND SIMPLE~ It is like when he was sex starved and I didnt get it.. I have explained that when he goes to that bar... blah, blah , blah is all he must hear. I guess it just sounds like Chinese to him? And since he doesnt speak Chinese he cant undersatnd my hurt?
HMMMMMMMM. how to get him to understand?
Cant go back to the no sex thing... that really F&&Ked things up....
Couldnt there just be a comment card box and then I could put complaints in there and he could too?
~WOW THIS IS KIND OF HARD~
