You said: "I mean, she could say she doesn't want to go and I say "then what is your plan for seeing if we can fix the marriage, cause what we're doing now ain't workin" and if she can come up with something, then MAYBE"
That's a good plan.
The feelings you have she is not understanding, and the feelings she has you are not understanding. I really hope you both go to retro because you are PRIME candidates for it.
It's good that you are letting her think about Retrovaille by giving the info to her and waiting on her. If she says nothing, don't just assume she says no. Don't make this a test to see if she says anything. Just sit and ask her about it eventually and get your answer.
Since your not a praying man, I'll pray double for ya.
I understand her feelings quite well actually. If I didn't understand them I'd have been gone a long time ago. What I struggle with is the fact that she only thinks of HERSELF. Do I understand how this can happen? Yes. Completely. But what I guess I'm not sure I'll ever understand is how someone can be so self absorbed. Last night for example. She comes in from smoking and see's S16 for the first time that day and doesn't even say a WORD to him. Now I know she's hurting, I really do, but to not even say a word to your son just screams self absorbed to me. And that's what I struggle with.
Thannks again WDID. I really do appreciate you helping show me what she's going through. It gives me hope, but I'm just not sure how much.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
This is so hard for you, and you are being a very strong man. Many would not be able to do what you are doing.
This self absorbed behavior is her coping strategy to get through this. I couldn't ignore my child because he is young and I stay home with him, but as soon as my H would get home from work I would go upstairs and lay in bed. I kept trying to find SOMETHING that would take the pain away, make me happy, and help me get through the day. That's where books would help her so much. At first I did her "thing", but then I knew I had to do something....so first, the books...and talking on here, too. Does she have anyone to talk to other than the egf? I started realizing I had to back away from egf because she was making me back away from my H.
I understand it's probably her coping method. W is a feelings kind of person, not a logical, thinking type person. I'm sure that's one of the attractions of OM, because he knows all the right things to say. And that's just not my opinion. I mean, OMW told me that he always knew just what to say....why else could he have 4-5 affairs on her and it took her this long to divorce him?
Anyway, I digress. W has two VERY GOOD FRIENDS that she COULD talk to, but won't, because they won't tell her what she wants to hear like the EGF does. One of those friends had an affair of her own a number of years ago and ended it and her and her H are doing better than ever, but she won't talk to her about it. And that's another thing I don't know if I understand. How can a grown woman with kids almost as old as the EGF listen to her about marital issues. The age and the fact that the EGF has been married twice at age 25 and both marriages lasted one year.
So she's so far refused looking at the books and previously refused to go to Retro. I'm just tired of banging my head against the brick wall....
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Funny you should say "tired of banging your head against the wall".....many of the speakers at Retrouvaille said that phrase when describing how they felt before going.
I know it seems so stupid.....we seem so stupid about these OM. My OM said all the right things, too. He also swore at me, called me names, and was irresponsible. But, I just thought "well, I'm married, so he has the right to get mad and call me names, etc. As for his irresponsibleness, I can change him." All so stupid. But, when you have those endorphins and that "love" you just think like that. Some day she will know this....withdrawal....it's like a drug.
Thanks WDID. What you've mentioned is what I don't get. I saw TM's at least 3 times where OM was extremely mean to W, all of them after she had told him she was having a good time with me or when he'd insulted me and W told him she didn't like it when he did that. And then a while later he'd be all sorry and "I can make you happy forever, blah, blah, blah". And she just kept going back. I just don't get it. Here's someone who is cheating on his wife with you and you say you're having a good time with your HUSBAND and he would treat her like chit, but she thought it was love....
Still no response on Retro. She took the article to work with her yesterday and I see it's still in her purse. When I got home from my golf outing last night she didn't say a word to me. Was a little more angry acting than she has been for the couple days before that. Oh well, I just went to bed. This morning S16 and I were having a good time talking and laughing when she came downstairs......Probably bothered her some, but don't really care.....
We'll see if she says anything about Retro this weekend. I'll keep you posted.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
It's a good sign that she took it to work with her to look at it.
Whatever the OM gave her overrode the bad behavior he would display. I was thinking about something yesterday.....she was so excited about that trip you guys took, a chance for her to get dressed up, go out, etc. She was trying to create something with you, and she was really trying. Have you set up another "date"? Something for her to look forward to? Is going out a 180 for you or is going on the golf outings, etc. something you did before?
Just thinking.........
Also, I still want to find you on fb. Can you be creative about sticking your search name in a paragraph or something so I can find you?
