WAW slowly... man I feel the pain. Yet my W throws in the don't touch me .... It has been about 3 4 5 months I'm too tired to count ... since mine said something like " you what you thought was our marriage was a dream .. here is how I really feel..."
Seriously, my situation is complicated by so many internal external issues I'm too tired to post anymore...
The rollercoaster of emotions... the kids.... the regrets.. should have been more thoughtful ... should of this should of that... it wears on the soul .. leaves you believing there is no value in yourself ..
The W makes sure to stop any good feelings from flowing by giving the reminder..
The bottom line for me is this:
1. I made a committment before God. 2. I fathered 2 children that God has made me responsible to raise for Him. (I realize this is not everyone's belief, however, just let me keep it real for my self.) 3. If the W wants to end our marriage, she will do it 100% on her own decision and will power. We are in deep, therefore, short of homicide I believe it can be worked out. 4. My children deserve a father that will go through hell and back and not give up!! Is is easy - no.. .that is the hell part. However, living by principle simplifies the confusing. 5 I'm reminding myself that I am forgiven for every thing I could have possibly done to Her, for Her to feel this way, regardless of how she reponds. This is not something I tell her, however, I'm giving it all I have to cut free from the guilt of the past, which if not done, will hinder any reconcilation. 6. If she does chose to leave,... I 'll save this for later. But I'll put it this way, for her, she will feel for the first time that splitting means splitting. I may give in some but remember, I'm not the one leaving. In my opinion, leaving the marriage because, "your not happy!".. no cheating, beating etc etc. and the result of leaving is seeing pain in my childrens' eyes is the closest thing I know of that can make me feel "no mercy". To me "again it is just me" it demonstrates shallowness, and ultimately close to the highest level of selfishness. 7. The pain of rejection: I remind myself that in reality, who am I to be hurt in the fact that she doesn't love me anyone more or want to be with me, can't forgive me etc. etc.. After all, hasen't it happened to the best of people. Who am I to think it can't happen to me. If she leaves me, statistically there will be more like me than like I am today, not D'd. Furthermore, it is a myth to believe we "need" someone to validate us. Don't get me wrong, it is wonderful for someone to validate and love you as you are, but as we know, it takes total surrender to make that last.
As for your sit. ndsmhelp: follow your heart, don't ever feel that you should or shouldn't do something based upon people's opinions... follow your heart....
As for me I KNOW.... come Hell or High Water the following statement is more real than life itself and once meditated upon can bring a rush of joy and happiness obtained in no other way:
Love(unconditional) is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. "Love does not demand its own way." Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged! It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ""Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.""
It is my opinion that when I have moments of loving like this, it doesn't matter what the W does. I can see through the "acts" of defiance. I can love past the hurtful words and with resolve say, " if you want to leave, leave or if you want to try and make it better I am here" as for me I'm going to do my best to Love, Forgive and be free regardless of my circumstance because after all, circumstances will change
I feel sorry for anyone who is going through a situation where a spouse says " i don't want to be married anymore. " When children are involved, it is almost unbareable. However, I know that if each day I purpose to love and forgive I can truely be happy.
I apologize for the for the lack of a better word "ranting", however, buy writing this, it reminds me and encourges me to do the right thing. Afterall, I only have control of what I do and say as well as how I repsond to what is done to me and therein lies the true victory.
