DQ's Sex Blog

[Cinco]

Cinco,

You can expect during the next month, that you will be continueing to make all the effort, and she will not make any changes. OK? Just get that in your head now so you will not have false expectations.

Then in a month from now, we can have that ultimatum talk and we will help you through it.

Nothing less than that plus MC plus sincere desire on both ends will fix this, ok?

Just be prepared. Also...there is still the matter of those A's for you to consider and getting through the truth of that may affect all other outcomes.

DQ

Ok yes, keep working, don't expect changes from her, have a base to give the ultimatum from.

Sincerity from both ends of course, I know I'm holding up my end.

The A's will come out if I ever get her sincerity for a true fix.

Cinco

[near the end]

DQ,

Thanks for the encouragement.

NTE

[Shelby]

Dance Queen, Earlier today I posted a question on Alimari's thread,Is Sex a Miracle. I am trying to get all the advice I can , So I can try to do the right thing. I was hoping I could ask your opinion also. Thank You for the idea to write a letter to my Husband, It is too soon to see what kind of effect it will have, but he did Thank me for writing it.
Unfortunately I can't figure out how to quote my question and bring it over here so here goes.

I know we have a lot of issues to work on BUT one of my big issues is, I need to be more affectionate. In my letter to him, I let him know that I was aware of this and that I am willing and able to change. I think it is too soon for us to even be thinking of sex right now, BUT I so badly want to just hug him, hold him or snuggle up with him in bed. YES, we are still sleeping in the same bed even after he has asked me for a separation. Although he will not touch me at all.

I guess my question is do you think I should step up to the plate and make the first move in being more affectionate, by hugging or touching ? Or, do you think it will look like I am pressuring him ? Should I wait until he makes the first move and shows me he is ready for some affection ? I don't want to scare him off But, I also want him to know I am serious about changing myself and the way I was in the past.

Thank you, Shelby

[Shelby]

I guess what I should have added in the post above is that about 6 weeks ago, when this whole thing started, I asked about holding hands and he said He thought that would be awkward.

That is why I am so unsure if I should try to move things along or wait and see if he will be ready on his own.

We are getting along fine most of the time, No yelling or arguing. It can get tense sometimes, just because I feel like I am living in limbo land though. He is just unsure if he wants to work on the marriage or if he wants a separation.

Thanks again, Shelby

[DanceQueen]

Hi Shelby...ok this is just my opinion and not necessarily good DB techniques, ok?

But in my mind, the truth is always the best way to go.

Right now, your highest truth is that you realize there needs to be more affection in your marriage, and you also truly feel the need for some non-sexual affection from your husband right now. This is your TRUTH.

Because it is the truth, I think you can either say to him "dear, do you mind if I ask you to just hold me for a moment?"....or you can take the plunge without asking, and start with a simple touch - such as touching his arm gently but purposely for a few moments while standing next to him, or going in slowly for a simple kiss on the cheek (slowly so that he will not startle away from you).

Just know that you may get rejected or open up a wound for him by doing this...but that will be ok. You still were just trying to tell him your truth by being affectionate. And after the sting wears off (if he does reject you) then you can wait a while and try again.

He may even allow the holding you or you touching him at first, and then shrug it off or even begin an argument about it.

This is ok if he does this, because THAT will be his truth and he will need to express it to you.

Now...given all that I am saying, it will still be imperitive for you not to think that a little affection will change his mind about much. Baby baby teeny tiny steps are necessary. Not great leaps and bounds. Remember that baby steps are how you got to where you are, and before you knew it, you and your H had baby stepped over the years to places that were far apart with each other. Now it will take baby steps to get it back.

So my opinion is....yes, ask him humbly to hold you for a moment, or reach out and touch him non-sexually without asking, and evaluate things after ward.

DQ

[SillyOldBear]

NTE, I didn't want to do the ultimatum, either. And I didn't do the 3 months beforehand, unfortunately.

But giving the ultimatum was important. I think it was the only thing that convinced my wife that I was serious. I had never been unclear about exactly what sex meant to me and exactly what I needed in that regard, but she had always blown me off. I became convinced that she had to understand (I'd said it in so many words, and she'd said "OK, that makes sense"--but just because a woman listens to you and says she understands, doesn't mean she understands what a man is saying.) and therefore she must just think it was OK if I suffered. I figured she was out of love.

Your wife knows how desperate you are not to get a divorce. The fact that you are willing to do it anyway might shock her into thinking about what would drive you to choose such a thing.

[Shelby]

Last night I went for it and asked for a hug. At first he seemed unsure, so I started to say that it was okay I understood. He stopped me and explained that the only reason he was unsure was because when this all started about 6 weeks ago He gave me a kiss and at the time I took it to mean he had changed his mind and was going to work on the marriage. I found out later that night that I was wrong and he was still thinking he wanted a separation. I guess he was just trying to let me know he hasn't made up his mind yet about whether he wants to work on things or if he wants to leave. I understand that now.

We did share a very nice hug then, he even kissed my neck. So I think it was a success. I plan on taking things very slow with him. I will remember to take Babysteps.

Thank You, shelby