Hi Lan, Just wanted you to know I've been following. My own take is its better to spend on a good time with her (Barcelona, TV, etc. not house equity) and build goodwill until she is committed, even if it means being in debt. When the W wants a D they are often motivated by the money in it for them (I was so trusting and naive in this regard, W was 3 years ahead). Also, if I had poured more money into the house I wouldn't have been able to buy W out of her share and we'd have had to sell.
Lan, I am sorry I missed your news. I was sick the last couple of days and completely off (mentally). I hope it comes out to be nothing and Ihope you find out soon so you don't have to worry about it.
As for the debt issue? Good luck my friend. I don't think she would walk out, I think she may get upset. Be honest and just do it.
Our financial situation is not the best, and without the house renovation and holiday we would be on a level playing field. But as W has said in the past she wants to live rather than just exist, so I guess I've gotta push on with these things. I know she's gonna be pi$$ cos we wont have the immediate cash to follow her elaborate plans but I'm hoping the bank can help again when I see them mid week.
CL, Health scare, I've found a small lump down below and I've got a dull ache there as well, doctor reckons I've got an inflamed tube but is sending me for a scan to make sure it's nothing more serious. I'm gonna park this subject and not discuss it until I get some definite news, no point in worrying unless I have to.
K, Yeah, I don't think W would walk, I think it just makes the challenges ahead more difficult, plus she bound to sulk and be off with me for a few days, then we'll have to sort things out together. If shes back in the frame of mind when it was the two of us against the world then we'll be ok.
Hey guys, thanks for looking in on me I'm feeling a bit more upbeat now.
Man oh man! It seems like it just never stops! Sorry, didn't mean to sound so negative, but can't help it when I care about somebody that is hurting and stressed to the gills.
My suggestion is to open the conversation by telling her this can be a real test to the R or whatever she decides to make it, b/c it will be up to her. It seems to me that she is a "material girl" and wants a nice house over wanting to spend a second honeymoon in a romanic place with her H. So, just be honest, Lan, and tell her that things were very diffent in the R when you made the decision to refinance the house, etc. Seems that her "dreams" over-shot the reality of the finances that were there. You may have to hold her feet to the ground to help her see that you need to pay as you go, and not go into deep debt just in order for her to get her "dream house". That is not being mature or realistic. That is being selfish. Don't tell her that, of course, b/c it will not help your R.......I'm just stating my views.
Maybe you could tell her that by paying as you go on the projects, it will be more exciting for her and keep her motivated rather than having it all done at once. After the house is completed.....then what will she want? See what I mean?
I knew a lady once that had to have some kind of "home project" going all the time. She barely got through with a remodeled job until she would start up another one. Her poor H finally was bankrupt from all of the expenses he could not pay for. BTW, it destroyed their M and they got D. Don't know that she is anything like this lady (sure hope not) but maybe....just maybe in approaching her the right way, she will be understanding and agree to what you confront her with. Noted, she will be greatly disappointed, but she will have to get over it.....that is all part of being an adult....dealing with the disappointments of life. Don't allow her to make this all "your fault". Don't get into a fight with her (which would be extremly hard for me not to), but try to give her the time to blow off steam, etc. Then after she has calmed down, you can remind her how your first plans were to have the honeymoon and try to use that to revive the R. But she was the one that choose this more expensive adventure. Don't allow her to put the monkey on your back and then carry it around. It was her choice and you were trying to make her happy.
Good luck! I'll be thinking about ya.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Things not too good in the Lanzo household at the moment. W very upset cos FIL got back the full analysis of his hospital test results. Scans found cancer cells in one lung and a nearby gland, both of which will have to be removed. Doctors not sure if this is a return of the cancer from 2003 or if it is something new, either way it's not a nice situation to be in. Bad news just when you don't need it.
W is gonna move back with her parents for a couple of weeks, we planned to do this anyway while we were renovating the house, but W also wants to be there to offer some comfort.
It's strange how life and M's are full of ups and downs. Last night while we were in bed W received a text from hef b/f asking her to call for a chat. W just turned to me and said I'm not in the mood for any of that, I just want to be here with you, and she held onto my arm tightly. It's been quite an emotional day for her and she dropped off to sleep quite quickly after that.
I hope I don't have to bring her anymore bad news, with our finances and my health, but I am holding up at the moment, I think I need to show strength through these difficult times ahead. Too be honest when W has been talking to me today I pretty much didn't know what to say at times, but one of the basic DB principles came into play and that was to just listen. Not much more I could do other than offer big hugs. I think she wants me around her, and as I've said to her on many occasions life is full of challenges, and this is just one of them, and we're gonna tackle it together.
all I wanted from my then H (now stbxH) when I heard the news about my dad, was him to come home, hug me and whisper to me, that we are going through this together. There weren't many other things that would have felt good at that time. It was all I wanted. I guess what I am trying to say is you are doing the right thing and you should tell her you are there for her. I hope your issue turns out to be nothing. Thinking of you K
Hi K, I was reading the recent post by Husband after his recent retrouville, where his wife is feeling a little bit overwhelmed by their recent events. My first thoughts were "Wow slow down man you're moving too fast, things will be ok", then I thought I must have sounded like that a few weeks/months ago. I guess new events for W and I are helping us to form a new point of perspective in our lives. I certainly see life differently now, and this is helping me manage and conduct myself better.
We certainly have difficult times ahead but we can can still joke with each other "If it wasn't for all our bad luck we'd have no luck at all".
As I've said before this is just another one of life's challenges and we face it together, W actually quoted this to a relative on the phone. It brought a smile to my face.
Lan, I am so sorry to hear about your W's family health problems. Every W needs her H there for her at that time more than any other. You don't have to say anything as long as you are there to hold her. But, it is good if you can just try to reassure her that the two of you will get through it and that better days will come. Women just need to be told that b/c it is like comfort food for us.
A life and death situation can certainly put everything else in proper perspective, can't it? I can look back on our early years when all we really had to worry about was lack of money. Oh sure, it was serious and I cried a lot.....but the thing was that we all were healthy! Then, my dauhter's health turned very serious, then me, then my son, then my H. Now, we still have some money problems....and always will, but if I could go back to those early years when we were all healthy.....how wonderful it would be.
You mentioned something about your health. Have I missed something here? Are you okay, or have you discovered that you aren't as well as you thought?
My prayers are with all of you. I don't have to tell you to just take a day at a time. The Lord gives us His grace to face what we have.....for that day. Then, when the next day arrives, He will give us grace.....for that day, and so on.
You are a strong man, Lan, and I admire you. I think your wife is going to see just strong your love for each other is during this difficult time. It is hard on the caregivers and supporters, but I know you can do it b/c I think I've learned that much about you.
Take care of yourself....okay? You have to stay well for everyone else's sake, too.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
