Feeling Hopeless...

[sandi2]

Hi Ann, well, I can understand where you are coming from about OM. You were vulnerable for the taking, so to speak, and we know without anyone reminding us that it still was wrong. The thing here is that if it had not been that OM--and even though you said you would not go back to that particular OM......there are a lot of OM out there in the world, and we don't have to go far to find them. You see, I know how the OM can say all the right things to make you feel beautiful and sexy and anything else that you may be looking for. In your case, you needed to feel loved and care for.....in my case, I needed to feel that I had not lost my youthful appearance (which is a joke) and that I was still desirable. That is what the OM fed my ego by telling me how "hot" I was, etc. But, I also made him out to be much more than he probably was, b/c I doubt any man could have been as great as I had him in my mind. He was in the "back" of my mind all the time for a very long time. That is what stood between me and my MR. At first, I could not seem to shake the need for contacting OM. Then, when I finally got past the no contact part.....the grieving process took over and that is when I resorted to comforting myself with the fantasizing. That was no good at all b/c it kept him alive and real in my mind.

I suppose I am just trying to tell you that I understand, sweetie, how easy it is to want to leave a bad situation. I wanted my OM to "recue" me from a unhappy MR. I think before OM came along, I had started going through some type of personl crises (MLC or something like it) and so that made me vulnerable for the taking. I've probably told you all this before....sorry.

You have a lot on you with the babies. Having an immature H is like having another child to raise and that certainly is not what you need. We women have to be very careful that we do not fall into a mode of "mothering" our H's. It is easy to do when that is what you are use to doing with your children and he is acting like another child. But, refuse to treat him like he is your child. Don't talk to him or nag him......don't repeat yourself, or "remind him".....in other words, like you might do with your own children. Tell him what you expect of him as a man, husband, and father. I've learned from men here on the board that they actually have to be told item by item what we want them to do! We can never assume that they should already know without being told (like we do...lol). It seems to me that he needs to have some type of consequences to his immature behavior, when he doesn't choose to act like a responsible H and parent. Listen to what some others have suggested. I'm sure he won't like any of it--b/c he has been comfortable acting like a teenager instead of a grown person. Who wouldn't like to just go off into their room and ignore all the work that has to be done and everything to do with the children? So, don't mother him......but try to allow him to learn and grow up as a result of his own decisions. Like a child, they need to find out (sometimes the hard way) what has the better outcome of their decisions. So, you need a plan....lol.

You would have to be strong to pull this off, but if you can keep your cool and not show any emotion at all to his immaturity when he fails to respond like he should.....and have a plan of reaction to his lack of "action", and very calmly allow certain things to happen due to his neglect. Does that make sense?

I think he knows (he must know!) that he is pushing your buttons by this behavior. So, if you've talked to him about this connected with turning to OM.....why does he continue to do it? Is he testing you? It is a poor test, if that is it. But, I don't think it is a test. He may be depressed and needs to get meds......I don't know....just throwing things out in the wind here. I think I remember you saying something about it being hard for him to forgive or trust. Even though my H told me he forgives me, I think it is still there in his mind and maybe our R will never have the solid trust that it once did. I take full responsibility for that! However, he never comes to stand behind me when I'm on the computer or I don't feel that he sets "traps" to catch me at something when I'm on the computer, like he did when he first found out about OM. However, he may still have a way of knowing what all I have been doing on the computer....I don't know.

If your H has not fully forgiven you......that is one of the basic problems right there. He is kind of acting like a teenager in anger to what has happened. I hope for both of your sakes that he can find forgiveness and peace, or it will eat him up alive and there won't be much hope for a happy M. If the thing with OM has been discussed, then I don't think I would bring it up again. If it is "out there", so to speak.....then what point is there to keep pouring salt in the wound? Other areas can be discussed without it always going back to the time with OM. Unless, he can't let go......then you will know for sure that is the ground laid for his behavior.

You will have to refresh my mind how long it has been since OM and the when you and H started trying to make the M work. I try to think if it takes us a long time to get through all the emotional stuff concerning our OM, then the H's probably has their own things to deal with. Would make sense that they would, don't you agree?

Well, I am rambling, so I'll stop for now. Take care.

Sandi