I had a similar situation to BFM. When I confronted H about OW he told me. I asked him if anyone else knew and he said no. I told him he best tell people the reason he left his family or I was going to do it for him.
H immediately told his parents. As friends found out we were S and asked what happened I would answer "H has met someone else..."
H also lost his job because ow was an subordinate. I never confronted ow..she was not worth my time. H got enough grief from his friends and family. No one ever met her because he knew how they all felt and I guess wanted to avoid the embarrassment.
This worked for me and H and I also reconciled. I followed some DB like GAL but other parts did not work for me. I was always matter of fact with H and anyone else who asked me questions about our pending D.
I began living by the motto "it is what it is..." I could not change him and I was changing me!
