It has been a while since I posted, busy with kids and stuff, H is home after a 2 year affair, long story but he decided to leave her and come home, well not all roses and sunshine since then. He is depressed over her and moping around the house like his dog died. I am trying to be supportative, but I am hurting so much that it is hard to bite my tongue sometimes and let it go. He keeps saying he loves me and wants to work things out but give him time and things will get better. Logically I know that, but it is hard to live with sometimes. I am hoping and praying I will see some improvment soon with him. We have made some steps, talk a lot, he has stopped talking to her (much to his annoyance) and we are spending time together. But like all things hard and difficult, this is taking longer than I want
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
I'm the one that had the affair on my H, and we are now together. Yep, he needs time. He definitely needs to stop talking to her forever and give you a "no contact" promise. This will take a long time, but if he wants to work on your marriage and so do you, you two will be fine. SOoooo...other than talking together what are you two actively doing to repair your marriage? Just waiting it out won't change anything. Have you both been reading books? Retrouvaille in your plans for the future?
H worked in another state for two years, he lost his job, part of why he is depressed and the other part is giving up his OW. I really don't think he realized until he came home in May how emotionally attached he became to her. It has only been two weeks since he has had last contact with her (I am choosing to believe this until I find out otherwise) I gave him the section of the DR book about affairs and what to do if you were the one having the affair. He did read it and that is why he ended contact with her. Until then he kept talking to her. He is on antidepressants now and right now it feels like we are in a holding pattern, small steps are happening, talking, holding hands sometimes (he wants very little physical contact with me, but has assured me that it is not "personal" and "it will come back" not sure if I belive him or not) we have discussed the affair as well as tried to spend lots of time together. He keeps saying he knows that his family is the best choice and I am wonderful to put up with this but I know those intense feelings he has for her have to diminsih a little - he seems to be begining to realize that what he had with her was not real - like two teenages with no parents around - and he even said we have so much more. I am trying to start acting normal aournd the house, that is one thing, I hate the person I seem to have become, so getting back in my normal routine and hope that at least helps me.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
You are doing the exact right thing, teach. It will take time. 2 weeks is a very short time. Eventually, you will need to talk about what changes you BOTH will need to make so that it doesn't happen again. But, right now, what you are doing is perfect. He is going through "withdrawal", like a drug.
I know it is hard, but I am so happy for your family that your H has chosen to come home and work on his relationship with you. Hang in there.
We have been talking a lot. It is real hard to see him go through this withdrawal, I feel like he never went through that for me and for her he is devastated. I am feeling a little better about myself. My self esteen was shot, but it is getting back.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
I had to remind myself over and over that the life and "love" with the OM was fantasylike and thus made it something it really wasn't. Reading books helped a lot, too, like the book After the Affair. This is NOT because you were less loveable, or because he loved you less. Remind yourself that over and over. It was a different love that was not a real love. Time and patience. I know this must be very hard.
Tonight he told me that deep down he knew he was never going to leave me, but did not know how hard it would be to get over her. I asked if he misses her and he said "yes but not really her just all the stuff we did, the feeling of no responsibility, the drama that went with it." I said but that is not real and he said he knows that. He can't change his phone number because even though he is now working right now, that number has all his business contacts and stuff and he wants to get back to work and get some of his clients back. I do understand that, he changed his email and some other stuff and told her not to call anymore and is being accountable to me for his time and who he is calling and letting me see his phone if I want. It is nice to hear from someone who went throught his from the other side, I never once thought to kick him out and wanted to fight for our marriage when I found out. I think that surprised him.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
I know how he feels. Just so you know, you can "block" her number. Call the phone company. It may cost something, but for peace of mind, and for him, it may be the best thing. Everytime I would contact the OM I started back at square one with my withdrawal. Still withdrawing right now, actually. My H, like you, wanted to fight for our marriage. You are both very strong people. A goal you may want to make is to try to begin making new memories with him. Plan one and follow through. DOn't tell him, just do it.
I am glad that he is home. I know it is hard to do, but you do have to have patience. It is a grieving process, jsut like we went through when we found out abotu the A. The book WDID recommends--After the Affair--is excellent and I would highly recommend it to both of you. It will help both of you better understand what the other is going through.
So much of what I hear your H saying about his R with the OW is what I am hearing from my H now. I am standing firm on the idea that time and distance will make the difference in our relationship. Well, that along with my daily strengthening faith. Seeing the progress that you are making give me hope.
Now, what are you doing together to rekindle the old feelings and create new ones? What are you doing to keep up your PMA and GAL?
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Just so you know, you can "block" her number. Call the phone company. It may cost something, but for peace of mind, and for him, it may be the best thing. Everytime I would contact the OM I started back at square one with my withdrawal. Still withdrawing right now, actually. My H, like you, wanted to fight for our marriage. You are both very strong people. A goal you may want to make is to try to begin making new memories with him. Plan one and follow through. DOn't tell him, just do it.