I completely agree. However, I said essentially the same thing word for word yesterday, and she kept repeating "we're here to talk about D12." She then said I may never get closure or whatever, and that is to be dealt with in IC. I don't know why this can't be dealt with in MC, unless she knows at some level that H isn't going there in any way right now, is living in denial and delusion, and won't be moved from it. That's the only rationale I can think of. This is a very respected therapist; everyone I have talked with about her has had nothing but positive things to say.
H is living on a high right now; everything seems to be going his way and no one is challenging him or his behavior. He got his ego pumped up to dangerous levels with the job and denominational change, and suddenly the old wife and home were too demanding and tedious, especially when the old flame pops into his life, reminding him of younger and more carefree days. I really kinda thought the folks we spend time with were somewhat "countercultural" in terms of perspective on values and marriage, but they give him support in his "pain" and no challenge at all. This part I just don't understand.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I don't know what to tell you. When she says "we're here to talk about D12," I just think you need to say, emphatically, "I UNDERSTAND THAT. But the two of you aren't listening. I"m telling you that I cannot be successful in co-parenting if I cannot trust my husband or ex-husband, whichever happens, and how CAN I trust him -- or even this counseling process with the two of you -- if we're all going to sit here and lie about the 500-lb. elephant in the room?"
Then I would say something like "Look, (MC), you're very respected, and I like you. (standing up) And this is not about trying to 'prove' anything to (your husband's first name). I'm past that. HE knows he's having an affair, I know he's having an affair, and -- with all due respect -- you do, too. When the three of us are ready to stop lying about that, then I'm prepared to come back and try to get back on track with strategies for helping my husband, my daughter and I through this. But right now, we're all wasting each other's time. Thanks for listening."
I don't know what to tell you. When she says "we're here to talk about D12," I just think you need to say, emphatically, "I UNDERSTAND THAT. But the two of you aren't listening. I"m telling you that I cannot be successful in co-parenting if I cannot trust my husband or ex-husband, whichever happens, and how CAN I trust him -- or even this counseling process with the two of you -- if we're all going to sit here and lie about the 500-lb. elephant in the room?"
Then I would say something like "Look, (MC), you're very respected, and I like you. (standing up) And this is not about trying to 'prove' anything to (your husband's first name). I'm past that. HE knows he's having an affair, I know he's having an affair, and -- with all due respect -- you do, too. When the three of us are ready to stop lying about that, then I'm prepared to come back and try to get back on track with strategies for helping my husband, my daughter and I through this. But right now, we're all wasting each other's time. Thanks for listening."
And walk out.
That's what i would do.
BRAVO!!!!!
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I'm right there with you. And I will give this some thought for sure. But what she was essentially saying was that I am responsible for resolving things for myself, that we're too far apart emotionally to be able to do that together, and we could spend the next year trying to do that and it wouldn't change a thing. Honestly, all that I have done to try to confront the affair has pushed H further into his denial and blame game. He's definitely moved on down the road emotionally and had absolutely no investment in our marriage at this point. And apparently not enough of a conscience to see anything wrong in an EA (or PA for that matter). I am going to process this tomorrow in IC; that C is a hard-liner and I'll be interested to hear her take on the MC.
H did essentially admit to an EA yesterday, or at least admitted to being in the process of pursuing one. Apparently OW backed off a bit after I confronted her, and it seems things are moving slowly--which I find surprising. But that's an observation that isn't based on anything H says, but on the amount of time that he spends with D. I'm not in any way saying that it's okay; however, his acknowledgment has definitely moved me to a different place and I don't feel a need to confront this at all costs--which I did before. I was almost obsessed with breaking through his denial, forcing him to admit it; I think this is all I'm going to get at the moment. I don't think that strategy has worked for me anyway. I am struggling, once again, with contacting someone from his priesthood discernment group to see what they know about what's going on. That won't change anything, most likely, but it will make me feel a little less complicit in presenting a false picture.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Just sending a hug, cos I read Sofaraways reply on Lost Phils thread and well you know the rules on "the Man's" thread. I think it was the last thing you needed right now. I sympathise will your need to get your H to admit to things. I made myself so ill when my H refused to accept my word over something his OW had done. Especially when he had always said I was the most honest person he had ever met! He eventually conceded I was telling the truth, but not sure it was worth my state of mind.It certainly didn't change anything but no I think it was worth it to me. Take care. Remember it takes one good person to do nothing for evil to prosper.
Thanks, naej. I just replied there. I'll probably get flamed for it, but that's okay. I'm a big girl. Just trying to get his attention; he may blow up now but he might think about it late. Or not. He doesn't listen to much else, thought this was worth a try--besides, part of it is a direct quote of something he said to me in a tantrum, as well as to many others. Hence the irony. Anyway--thanks.
Yeah, had to examine my need to have H admit to the A. Part of me feels that will defuse the power of the secret--maybe not. The other part is just simple frustration of him denying the obvious. Throughout this, I've felt at times he's tried to "gaslight" me, make me think I'm crazy, by flat out contradicting reality. And then there's the "how stupid do you think I am" aspect of things. And the "it's all your fault and I'm a victim" claim. Yep, for all those reasons I needed him to say it, especially with a witness. I really do feel less anxiety now--and it wasn't because the info he deigned to admit was not painful, just that it was finally out there.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Hey Hoosier - I've never posted to you before but have gotten to "know" you recently from, well, you know what thread.
I just wanted to say I think you've provided a lot of excellent advice and support in a very tough situation.
On your own sitch - (((Hoosier))). I can totally relate to the need for him to admit to the A, especially if you have solid evidence. I'm glad he at least put part of it out there. I do think it's a good idea to bring it up in MC, and Puppy had a great idea on how to do it (if you can muster up the strength to do that, I know it will be tough).
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
