My wife ended her affair after about four months, approximately three months after I confronted her about it and exposed it, and one month after I re-confronted her and insisted she finally tell our families the TRUTH.
Her attitude of entitlement, and my SSM, continues to be a daily challenge.
Interesting about the families. My W doesn't want me or our kids talking to her family about any of this. She says they just can't comprehend what she's going through - i just think she doesn't want them knowing the truth about her behavior now. I think she believes they would be disappointed.
All in all time frame is pretty good for this site! How long did it take for you to feel trusting again?
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Interesting about the families. My W doesn't want me or our kids talking to her family about any of this. She says they just can't comprehend what she's going through - i just think she doesn't want them knowing the truth about her behavior now. I think she believes they would be disappointed.
All in all time frame is pretty good for this site! How long did it take for you to feel trusting again?
About a month, as she dragged her feet on a couple of the transparency elements, but finally did them all. When she self-confessed her one backslide (re-contact with OM), and was truly contrite about it, that helped. And she's never backslid since (and yes, I do check!), and that has helped as well.
Exposing to her parents, and our adult daughters, was key for me. What her parents (esp. her mom) and our daughters (esp. our younger daughter) think about her is VERY important to her, and it was their disapproval that played a big part in her ending it.
Journal - Another strange night. About 20 minutes after I got home our power went out until 1am. My W and I got along. After we had dinner I tried to give her some space as that is what she says she needs right now. So I went to sit on the front porch. 5 minutes later she comes out. And when the kids came out to see where we are - she told them to go inside. I stayed with her for about 10 minutes and then went inside to our dark living room (I had given the boys flashlights and they were in the next room playing with Duncan). 5 minutes later my W comes in and sits on the couch across from me and lays down.
I called the boys to come in and we sit down and start talking. At first my W joined in then she started to get quiet. She looked like she wanted to take a nap after about 10 minutes so I get up and say ok boys let's go downstairs and let Mommy rest. She says - no- don't go anywhere, please stay here and hang out. I was stunned. She spent all morning telling me she needs space and 3x I tried to give it to her and 3x she wouldn't take it.
I laid down on the floor and played this game with the boys - it's called "the championship of me". Each kid asks questions about themselves (like my favorite movie, food, 2nd favorite, etc..)S10 kept asking her to play but she wasn't. She was just annoyed at S14 - said he was talking too much and too loud. We had fun but she remained silent.
My W went out on the front porch and asked me to have a dessert with her.
We eventually went up to bed. My S10 was scared so i stayed with him for a while. I went to bed and my W eventually came up. She woke me up this morning again to ask me what i am doing in our sitch. She asked in her old loving voice - I wanted to hug and kiss her so bad - it was all I could think about while she was talking - this can be torture! I told her I came back yesterday morning because I want her to know that I am here for her. She said that was really nice but she thought I had an attitude last night. I couldn't believe that-I thought we got along well. She said I had a look on my face again-I said I didn't understand and wasn't upset at anything last night. I told her that at times maybe I am thinking about things and that I want to just give her a hug but don't feel comfortable doing so. She said she understood.
Then she said that i am doing too much with the kids and trying to make her look bad. I asked who I am trying to make her look bad to - and she said them. She said that i overdue it. I said I didn't agree and that I love them and want to do as much as i can with them. She said she felt like an outsider last night when we were playing our game - I told her that S10 kept asking her to play and that she should have. She reiterated that she doesn't have fun with them and doesn't like to do things that they like. I reminded her that I told her I would pick up the slack for her a few weeks ago because of the way she felt. She remembered but repeated that I am overdoing it. Quite honestly, I don't think anything has changed - i'm not doing any more or less than i have ever been doing - she is just doing a lot less. Very frustrating.
Before she left, she complained about her new job and said the days are long and they want her in to early. She has been telling me for weeks how great this job is and I have been doing nothing but supporting. She also asked me to please go on the Lake George trip with her, that she really needs it - but won't go without me. I told her I would and she asked not to hold it over her head.
There was more but it was more inconsistency and hot and cold stuff. Man this is so hard!!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Your wife reminds me a lot of mine in that she has a bit of a martyr complex. I think she likes to sit near you so you can see how "stressed" she is. Does she do a lot of sighing and huffing and puffing in these situations?
Hey Puppy - Yes - when it comes to the kids. She constantly just wants them to leave us alone. But she says her "conflict" is with me, not them. Yet she wants me to go to Lake George.
Puppy, I'm so confused. I am literally becoming drained. I am just afraid of getting lawyers involved right now with my house. I think selling the house would be a huge mistake right now. But I don't know what the possible next move is. No matter what happens we keep ending up in the same spot - kind of like a Puppy Dog chasing his tail.
She won't just do a separation - I would have to take the bull by the horns and do a legal sep - I don't want that, so I'm stuck.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
When I read your story, even the part where you came back with coffee, I just get the feel of this intense focus on the relationship, both from you and from her. She is looking at you for where you are lacking and you are looking at her for where she's lacking. There is just too much dissecting and analyzing it. I just don't think it will stand up to such scrutiny. Just leave this alone for awhile. All this stuff doesn't need to be repeatedly said. Just be yourself and let her deal with her issues. If she wants to hang out with you, then hang out. If you feel like taking a break from her, then take a break. But quit thinking so hard.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
She said that was really nice but she thought I had an attitude last night. I couldn't believe that-I thought we got along well. She said I had a look on my face again-I said I didn't understand and wasn't upset at anything last night.
Mules, this reminds me in some ways of me and my H (although he won't even address R at all). I swear he looks for things, signs of me being miserable. The other night he said I had a "look" on my face and asked me why I was making that "face." I was playing a freakin' video game and concentrating. One night I sighed, thinking about all the housework I had to do, and he's like "Why are you sighing like that?"
I swear it's like he wants validation that I'm a miserable person -- it's like he wants a reason. Or he wants to "set me off" on a crazy jag so he can say "see?" and make himself feel better. Or he lookes for me to answer a question in a slightly defensive way to say "what's wrong with you?" or when I don't answer quick enough, it's "You're not listening to me?"
But I'm learning that I just need ignore these questions or comments or deflect them because I can't feed into this or give him reasons/excuses for his behavior.
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Then she said that i am doing too much with the kids and trying to make her look bad. I asked who I am trying to make her look bad to - and she said them. She said that i overdue it. I said I didn't agree and that I love them and want to do as much as i can with them. She said she felt like an outsider last night when we were playing our game - I told her that S10 kept asking her to play and that she should have. She reiterated that she doesn't have fun with them and doesn't like to do things that they like.
Is she jealous of the relationship you have with your sons? Is it because they are boys and you are a guy, so you have a natural bond with them?
Since my H feels I put my D first, over him, I feel that he's kind of got a little jealousy going on there... But he chooses not to spend a wealth of time with her, and I'm home with her all day, AND she's a girl, so naturally we have a mother-daughter bond. But that's no excuse for him not pursuing a father-daughter bond. He used to take her to hit golf balls a lot, and she liked that -- she even has her own set of clubs -- but he hasn't done that in ages. I think that's his problem, not mine, so I can't FORCE him to spend time with her. Plus he has a short fuse if she gives up on something, so how is that creating any great bond?
I think if your wife says she "doesn't the enjoy the things" the kids do, perhaps there's one thing she does enjoy doing with them and you can point that out to her when she uses that excuse again.
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She also asked me to please go on the Lake George trip with her, that she really needs it - but won't go without me. I told her I would and she asked not to hold it over her head.
Again, is this a way to get you to put her first, over the boys? It sounds like she wants all the attention, and maybe this is her way of getting it. Don't know if it's right or wrong, just an analysis... And again, at least she will go away without your family (even if the neighbors come)... I wish my H would do that, but he won't do ANYTHING without my D as a buffer.
I do agree with the other poster that we tend to overanalyze every single thing -- I do that as well -- and sometimes maybe we just need to sit back and be more natural. But I also know how hard that is. I give you major props for carrying on like you've done, with your kids and all. You sound like a great father.
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
No need to be thinking about selling your house right now.
No need to be thinking about a legal separation right now.
Mules, I don't want to offend you by what I'm about to say. I hope you know by now that I admire how you've handled your situation and that I want nothing but the best for you and your family.
There is no reason to be thinking those things above. You have on your hands a very troubled and confused woman. If she is truly different now, radically so I believe you indicated, than there is definitely something going on inside of her. She needs therapy, perhaps in the future a visit with a psychiatrist to see if medication is needed.
You do not have a viscious, mean spirited, hateful person on your hands.
This is a woman who has lost the joy in her life and has no idea why.
If she hated you and the boys, she would have long ago run off with the first available male body that came along.
She is torn because she cannot imagine life without all of you and your home, and at the same time can find no joy or satisfaction in it. She KNOWS she has changed, and again, does not know why. She is even torn between defending herself and accepting responsibility for the state of things between you.
I know this has been hard on you and the boys. I'm really sorry for that. But this is where you GUYS step up and become the foundation of your home.
She wants to go on the trip. She wants YOU to go on the trip. Do you have any idea how many people on this board would KILL to have a spouse that WANTS to go on trip with them?
I guess what I'm saying is that I think there is too much focus on the negatives, and not enough acknowledgement that there are positives her as well. Or at the least, there are a lot of NON-negatives.
I think she needs help. Both professionally and from her husband. I think she needs consistency. She is watching your every expression and listening to your every word, just waiting, it seems to me, for the day that you cut her loose. And I don't mean that she's looking forward to that - I think instead that it is one of her greatest fears.
I find much to feel compassionate about towards her. And towards you and the boys as well, because I know this has worn you out.
Your wife is still at home, troubled, but at home. She does NOT want to lose her family. She wants to do things with you, but has to take it in measured doses, otherwise she is overwhelmed.
I think you can do this. But you may have to start being a "glass is half full" kind of guy.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
