Well H is seeing someone else. I think it has been an EA for a couple of months, but now he is sleeping with her, writing her letters, taking the day off to see her. I've decided it is better for me to know the basics of their contact, mainly as he is still living here (mostly). I would much rather know than live in the atmosphere of him not telling me the truth.
It's very weird. It feels like I am giving someone else my favourite toy. I am giving it, but I don't want to. Maybe it is better to get alot of the hurdles out of the way in one go?
Only snag is, in order for him to feel safe to tell me what is going on for him (ie girlfriend - she's not OW, is she?!) I wouldn't be able to tell other people. So I am back in the position of keeping secrets...
I knew it wouldn't be long. Actually, that's the wrong way to look at it, this isn't something that has just started up. This has always been him, and it's just that this time I am aware of it.
Bless him Lord.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
well, whatever she is, gf, ow the point is that why would you want to tell other people? if you truly want to know (details hurt, so watch out) and he's able to tell you then there is no reason why you'd have to tell anyone else. The least he could do is at least to behave like a human being before leaving, but I guess that is not possible, what a shame, I'm sorry you have to go through this hon.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Our parents will ask about him. At the moment I am the main point of contact for both sets (because of the children) and so they will ask. Especially as he has not contacted his parents after our evening with them when they got very cross with us.
He is physically not able to be single. I knew it wouldn't be long, so did he, but that's probably because for him and GF background work was already done.
The reason I want to know is that if he doesn't tell me, then I get H in deception mode, jumpy, irritated, distant and weird. I guess if he didn't live here at all then he could be free to do what he wanted and not have to tell me.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
I'm sorry, too. But as you say it's better to know than not know, so I'm glad he leveled with you. IMO, honesty can always be dealt with better than lies, no matter what the truth is. At least you're not living in the dark anymore, and that's a very good thing.
But...he really needs to tell this stuff to a therapist, too. The man needs help, in a big way. I don't remember reading if he was in T or not--have you encouraged him to get it?
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
No, he isn't, and he never has had (except for when he was completing his counsellor training himself, then you have to have a bit - yes that's right folks, he is a trained counsellor!). As for encouraging, LOL, I could never, ever tell H to do anything. He would never take any advice from me! I know he has looked into Sex Addicts Anon, and I don't comment as it might put him off. Plus, his life is his own now, I can't be parent anymore.
But you are right - he does need help. He spoke to me last night about what everyone will think of him as he is 38 and gf is 23,
him - 'They're all going to think it is a midlife-crisis thing, aren't they?!'
me - 'But you and (gf) know that's not the case, so what does it matter?'
him - 'I don't know what it is...'
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
I am so sorry to read your situation. I thought about you all last night. I've read all of this thread, though not your previous threads.
I think it is admirable you are taking the high road with your parents and in-laws. You are far more calm than I could ever be BUT perhaps you want to put the gloves on and start making some noise. Not to be difficult but you really, really need to get a laywer (soliciter?), start documenting, as best you can, your husbands behavior and get yourself in a position to make sure you and your kids are taken care of financially and materially. You need to protect yourself from the dept he has run up. Based upon his history, it seems fair to expect he will be every bit is dishonest in seperation/divorce as he was in marriage. Don't buy the kids first crap. If he was putting the kids first, he would not have repeatadly gone down the path he has chosen.
My heart is with you.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Thanks so much for reading my thread - that takes some time and dedication! There are so many stories here on this board, so many worth reading.
It's very interesting to read your post, and I've thought alot about it. I think it would be fair to say that in my R with my H I've become very used to being lied to, to being surprised with nasty secrets, to taking alot of rubbish of H. So in one sense this whole situation now is kinda normal for me - it's probably why I am calm.
But it also means that I might not be protecting the interests of myself and my children. I do need to protect myself from his debt. We are actually going to divorce by 'Mediation' (do they have that in the US?), where you both go and work out the arrangements together rather than take an adversarial stance with the solicitors. That is going to be hard because I will have to go and fight my own corner, I simply can't afford to take on any of his debt.
Originally Posted By: DownNotOut...yet
Based upon his history, it seems fair to expect he will be every bit is dishonest in seperation/divorce as he was in marriage.
That is tough to contemplate. But you are right, I certainly need to consider it. It's not something I had thought about if I'm honest.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
why do you think it is not MLC? it could be the addicting PLUS MLC. He sure has some nerve telling you about gf! jeez!
I think there is some MLC in there somewhere, but the infidelity isn't necessarily a sign of that as it has been in the picture for such a long time? Also if I think of it as MLC, then the possibility of H coming out the other side and back to me presents itself, which I find really confusing.
Him having gf and telling me about her is just a sign of how messed up he is - I mean what normal person would enter into a R with someone else when your previous 18 year R hadn't finished properly?! I have said to him had he considered a period of being single, for his own mental health? He's not strong enough to do that.
Mind you, what normal, self-respecting person would enter into a R with a man in his position? She knows he's separating. I worry for her, quite frankly.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
