WAW#11

[NikB]

From the newer posts...

Stop focusing on her. Yeah easier said then done.

Yes, it's easier said than done. But it's still something very important to do. Keep working at it.

For example:

Now I'm wondering if her stomach was hurting because she is finally starting to think about her actions. Did she just give herself an anxiety about the tornado warning? Did she just eat something bad? Is the stress of all this getting to her?

Who knows... and really, why spend time trying to guess? You'll never guess right and even if you come close, you'll never know it.

Because I'm a fixer dude. I'm the man. I fix everything. I can't deprogram that. I'm a computer tech. I FIX!

It's great that you recognize this. It's also probably good for you to know that this is quite often not helpful in relationships. I bolded the "can't" above because that isn't entirely true. Yes a "fixer" is part of your personality, but you can choose times to NOT be the "fixer."

Just when I thought my life was improving. Now our cousin is staying here.

Why are you letting him? This is your choice. You're not the victim.

Ok, when is this going to end????? She text me. Can you call the rectory and get sons baptism cert, I don't feel like talking with anyone.

Asking for favors. Asking for things. Constantly asking for things.

I doubt it'll end anytime soon, but I bet it will end much quicker if you stop doing those favors for her (which I think you have for the most part, right?) Did you reply to her? I hope not. I'd stop answering her calls for awhile, too. If it's important she can leave a voicemail. She needs to see that you're not going to be there available at her beck and call anytime she wants something from you.

[LostPhil]

NikB,

No I just did it, because it only took me thirty seconds to do it. It was a kid bait.

I texted her back. They will not answer phone. I will try later. Then I did get a hold of them. Let her know. They will fax a copy to the church and mail a copy to our house.

Did she reply no.... Did I expect her too. NO. Do I care. Is this favor over. Yes...

You see it looks like she comes down from the mother ship. She is nice. She calls me out of the blue just to talk how sick she is. Then later on in the day ask for a small favor.

If I refuse. I'll get venom. If I continue to be nice to her. That works.

If she starts being mean again. I'll continue to be nice. The important thing I have to remember is she continues to be mean after mean after mean. I still have to wave and smile.

Ice Man hath cometh!

The cousin issue.... hmmmmmm. I was hoping it never came down to it being an issue. Now it has.

P.S. I knew you were going to try and prove your point about the sky. My point is it isn't about the sky. It isn't about the dust. It isn't about any of that. It is whatever she thinks it is that is making her unhappy. The sky being blue is a diversion of something.

Yes and the drama continues. She just called back. Can you please come and get the kids after work. I'm so sick. Then I ask to talk to kids. I calmly tell the kids to be extra extra good because mommy is sick. D tries to argue with me. I tell her to zip it, you child, me adult, you listen. Then we hang up.

Wife calls back. I said I will be there when I can. I was going to suggest I take them tonight for you sake anyways.

Yeah, fixer... I should have not answeredd the phone on that one and just let her be sick with the kids. I was sick for five months did she help relieve me.

[NikB]

P.S. I knew you were going to try and prove your point about the sky. My point is it isn't about the sky.

My point is not about the sky either.

It is whatever she thinks it is that is making her unhappy. The sky being blue is a diversion of something.

... and, my point wasn't at all about her.

[LostPhil]

NikB,

I know your point was about me trying to prove I'm right all the time. You tried to make it an arguement that the sky isn't blue all the time. In a month from now, I'm going to hit you with the sky is blue again ok. Just to prove my point.

I'll do it in a funny way.

I generally think in logic. Black or White. I push out the grey. There is no grey. It's on or its off. There is no spoon. That isn't air your breathing. I have enough things in my life that are grey. Mystical.

Now why do you want me to frustrate you on these issues. Why would you want to change me? You want to think in grey. Go right ahead. You want to think the worlds flat. Go right ahead. That doesn't make it right.

You want to think with your feelings and act on them go right ahead. To me that is more selfish then me bending on an issue of being right.

I don't waiver. I stand for what I believe and I defend, until proven wrong. You want to try and prove me wrong. Good luck.

It what I have pretty much saying on these boards, and the advice I receive say that is wrong.

Well I can live with that. I would rather be right and die trying to be proved wrong then to act on feelings.

Yes and I knew she was going to pull the stunt of can you come and get the kids later so I can rest. What about my health. Do you think for one moment cared about my health when I had the kids. When I could barely function and I was taking the kids everywhere to try and ease their pain too? I know the woman like a book. I can recite it backwards and not even open it.

She has changed now maybe because of some MLC issue or other external forces, but primary she is the same only gotten worse. She took the best parts of our relationship and threw them away.
Why? Because her head got filled up with BS from the pig girl, and her sister. Now she is being constantly validated by them.

I get venom from both of them. Devils...

Maybe it is the fact that they are so jealous of what she has they want to destroy it. Who knows...

[goldeylox]

Yeah, fixer... I should have not answeredd the phone on that one and just let her be sick with the kids. I was sick for five months did she help relieve me.

Phil, the first part is right, you should not have answered the phone on that one, but the rest, the part I bolded, can you try to strike those thoughts when they come? Push them away. They are holding you back. You don't need to justify why you don't answer the phone.
And yes, we're out here, and we're praying for you. Peace.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1521191&page=0&fpart=1

[NikB]

Why would you want to change me?

I don't want to change you.

I'm pointing out something that I see causing difficulty in your relationships. Deciding if you want to change it is totally up to you.

[NikB]

You want to think with your feelings and act on them go right ahead. To me that is more selfish then me bending on an issue of being right.

I will admit you lost me here a bit, but if I understand what you're getting at - that's not what I was saying at all. Validating, acknowledging someone's point of view and their right to have a different perception than you do, isn't the same as acting on emotion.

[hoosiermama]

Phil--

there's a saying we use in marriage prep. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? You can't always have both.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Phil,

Trying to prove you wrong would be a pointless excercise and a waste of time. This is who you are. Not saying this as a slight, just saying this is your make-up and how you think, so its a waste of time, and is only going to piss you off.

I think that this right or wrong issue is going to sidetrack.

You get venom from them, so stop interacting with them.

[LostPhil]

Hoosier,

If I'm not right than I'm not happy. Why should I waiver? Why should I not be happy. I think that is a really poor and sophmoric look on relationships. meow, meow, meooooooooow, I want to be right or do I want to be happy. Maybe my wife needs to understand that concept. What does she want to be right on, and I will not allow it. Its ok for you husband to drink a couple of suds after putting down 20 squares of shingles. It's not ok for your husband to bust his a$$ and then drink a couple of suds.

Lets see: Hmmmm... yeah... I was born and raised Catholic. Fought it tooth and nail. Studied all religions. It was a hobby of mine. When I finally saw the Catholic Church as the truth and the One True Church to me everything in my life made sense. Everything.

Yes there is some truth to other religions but they are merely spokes from the hub of truth.

Now lets go a little deeper. The councils of the Church. If those people waivered there wouldn't be a Church. Many of them were martryed for not waivering. I'm not waivering.

NikB, Yes I can see it your way, that doesn't make it the right way. I don't believe these arguements had anything to do with my relationship with my wife.

There has always been something eating at her. She was trying to compensate with that unhappiness. I was the easy target. It has nothing to do with me proving to be right. She already knew my intelligence level. Then why did she plug in fifty electric heaters into one outlet and expect it to work. After I told her 100 times not to do it. Oh we can put a man on the moon, but you can't plug two things into an outlet at the same time.

Ok Electricity 101. This electric line can only handle 15 amps. That over there 20. That electric heater puts up 1500 watts. It's simple Power equals current times voltage. 1500 watts divided by 120 volts equals 12.5 AMPS. Plug two in and you are trying to pull 25 AMPS through that wire. Wire gets hot, BAD, very bad. Circuit breaker says OH NO, opens up. Shuts off power. NO housy fire....

Don't mess me with phil I got A's in math.

It isn't about math. I was using math to show you why you can't plug in two electic heaters into one outlet.

I still don't believe you. They need to make a better system.

Over a hundred years we have been using wire.

WELL HOW THE HELL YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR DOING!

I went to school for it. I took classes in wiring. I have a degree in electronics.

OH GO F YOURSELF!

Gulp...Ok....