about Ph2's comment - I liked the gist of it, except I have to differ with the last part: the only words that count from her are "I'm sorry. I never should have left. yada yada". I'm not so sure you should count on that. If you read the DR book, it does mention that their return is not always accompanied by this kind of talk. It doesn't mean they don't believe it. I guess what I am saying is, don't let Pride get in the way of reconciliation. Like I said, I agree with the sentiment that she has to win you back. There is such a thing as being too hard-to-get.
Maybe not in those exact words, but it's got to be better than "baby-steps". Accepting half-assed overtures for "possible" reconciliation basically says how desperate you are. By this point in the game, it's fair to expect quite a bit more. I'd say that RTL is a long ways from "being too hard-to-get". But we each decide how much faith we are willing to put in a spouse that walked away and had an affair. For me, I expected nothing less than complete commitment; fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Others are willing to settle for less in hopes that actual commitment will grow and that's fine. I've been there, done that, got the tee-shirt, so I'm only coming from my own perspective.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Hey, man! Do you have a new thread yet? Your old one is locked. I'd love to know how you are doing.
I like the "keep cool" analogy. I'll share more in a bit of my DB session.
As for the diet and exercise, I'm trying to watch the caloric intake and also substituting water for food when I'm snacky. It's only been a few days, but so far it is working.
I'll be e-mailing you as soon as I get my football tickets to have you pick a game, ok?
Hey, I'm REALLY interested in what effects this eclipse may have for my situation. She served me w/ papers on Feb. 5, and you think that was an eclipse, so I'm curious to hear what you know on this one.
I'll address your other concerns in my general post, ok? I'll also be checking in on you today to get caught up.
I do agree w/ your words, as I also agree w/ those of SPM. I haven't received anything concrete from W to feel like we're reconciling yet. The fact is, she hasn't been consistent enough for me to even start to put hopes on things. I wouldn't let my pride get in the way of reconciliation as I can forgive and forget if my W is also willing to do so. I'm convinced her affair was a distraction for her to avoid looking inside herself - she's said as much - so I can look past it, but only if she's fully committed to moving forward.
I just can't and won't go through all of this again in 5 years.
What I have noticed is her softening and waffling a bit lately. That is a positive sign for me that she isn't as "done" as she says.
As for what I'm willing to accept, I too feel that if she isn't in it for the long-haul, I'm not in it either. However, if I can get her into couple's therapy that would be a big, big start for me. If she commits to that, that is a sign. What happens from there would depend on how she reacted in therapy.
But again, I'm putting the cart well before the horse, so I've got to slow down and be more realistic about things. Any positives are baby steps, but when she follows them w/ the negatives it is simply one forward, two back.
My father left yesterday and D is back w/ W, so now I'm able to connect w/ all of you again. The past few days were interesting as we dropped off D on Tuesday and W invited my dad and I to come in and eat w/ her. We did and it was nice. W loves my father and she was smiling and happy to see him.
We parted ways and dad and I came back here to keep working on a few things. W sent a couple of texts and tried to call twice while I was outside painting. When I cleaned up and checked the phone, her last message was "call me." So, I did and we talked about D's difficulty w/ pooping and what her diet had been, etc. There weren't any accusations at all and the conversation was good. Once I talked w/ D for a bit and got off the phone, dad and I cleaned up and went out to eat.
At dinner, I noticed her other text: "is your dad ok? he cried" to which I replied, "he cried b/c he loves and misses you." W responed telling me that she loves him too and that she was sore from working out. Well, here I took a shot and started flirting w/ her about rubbing her muscles and she was receptive. We ended up flirting a bit throughout the evening and it was good.
I had my DB session w/ my coach yesterday morning while dad was asleep and I relayed the events to her of the past week or so. We decided that flirting is good and W seems to like that. My DB coach also talked about her abusive language and we concluded that I've been enabling her to talk to me like that b/c I've been reacting to it and defending myself from it.
So, I need to go back and remember to only reward the good while ignoring the bad from W. I can do this b/c it is clear and pretty easy for me to see. We also went over my anxiousness to hear from her which isn't attractive at all, so I need to remember that "less is more" in order to be "harder to get" as Phoenixdeux and SPM have pointed out. I can do this as well.
Finally, we talked about my actions to her in the past - my 180. I've come to realize that I would treat other people better than her at times b/c I somehow mistakenly believed that b/c we were married, she "understood" and "knew" I wasn't mad at her, but just feeling safe to vent. I know. It is crazy, but it is how my thoughts went and how many married people think. We tend to believe the BS of "hurt the ones you love the most" b/c they'll understand and accept it.
It is wrong. Simply wrong. We decided it is time for me to tell her these things when the subject comes up next. I'm actually looking forward to it b/c it is something I should have told her a long time ago. NOTE: this doesn't excuse her actions, but is simply work on my actions and for me and me alone.
My DB coach left me feeling more positive and confident w/ my situation b/c she said it is refresing and energizing to work w/ a man who is so willing to embrace change...and I am. She also said there isn't any need for me to get too anxious b/c W is showing that she just can't find it in herself to leave me alone. Every time she tries to get away, she comes back a bit, so I need to look at this as a very big positive and use the knowledge of it to help my situation. The road is still very, very long, but I feel better about travelling it.
I later went to ocunseling and my C and I talked about how I assumed W would understand if I yelled at her and not take it personally. He basically reinforced what my DB coach and I had said on the subject, which was also good to hear. We also talked about my latest challenge - breaking the bad, bad habit of being chronically late - but that is for another time.
Yesterday, I didn't have much contact w/ her, but I did send her a text asking for her to give me some or all of the money she committed to spending on getting the house up for market sale. She didn't reply to it, but last night she called me to tell me D had "finally pooped" and then D had her read two stories aloud for me to hear while we were on the phone. The call lasted for almost 50 minutes. It was good conversation that wasn't harsh or mean at all.
So that is where I am now. However, as we know, it may all change today or tomorrow. I'm feeling pretty good w/ the stuff my DB coach said to me about how to deal w/ W, so I think I can get a handle on stuff w/ her. It makes more sense now.
As usual, I'll keep you all in the loop. Talk to you soon. RTL
You guys probably should avoid Aug 30 at the Ducks and Oct 18 at home against the Beavers since I am sure the dogs will get trounced in both of those games.
I've come to realize that I would treat other people better than her at times b/c I somehow mistakenly believed that b/c we were married, she "understood" and "knew" I wasn't mad at her, but just feeling safe to vent. I know. It is crazy, but it is how my thoughts went and how many married people think. We tend to believe the BS of "hurt the ones you love the most" b/c they'll understand and accept it
You and practically everyone else in this world. Not sure it's pathological, but I think it's great that you mentioned it. It's useful for all of us to keep in mind.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Hi Rob, Just got back from visiting my middle daughter so I am catching up. She is getting married next summer and I have to plan the wedding long distance. My H was happy to have me gone and I was also glad to be away from him. We are also playing one step ahead, one step back, just like you and W. You do sound like you have done great work on yourself and no matter what I think you will be a happier person. I know you will keep in mind it takes two to make or break a marriage, you may have made some mistakes but don't think your W didn't have a large part in you not seeing it or correcting it sooner. Have you heard anything from the "parent evaluator"? Were you able to clear up your problem with leaving the dogs in the car?
Kerry, about the Ducks, I gotta say, I am a football fan first, and a Huskies fan next. I like the Ducks.
Also - it is not only the state of AZ that takes its sweet arse time in delivering a parenting plan. The state of WA does, too.
K - what's going on with you anyway? It's been a while. I hope everything is roses for ya.
RTL, No I have no new thread. I decided to just be Lewis Hamilton, you know? Keep cool. Maybe I will start another.
Definitely interested in chatting with you. I will call you soon.
P2 - I agree with you. It has to be more than baby steps, but baby steps is how it starts. Someone in a different thread said, they are trying to reconnect with the only tools they have.
