I think what you're really saying is that you'd like your wife to see you and smile because she's happy that you're there.
So the question is, what do you need to do in your interactions with her that would make her HAPPY to see you? And maybe that involves also considering what kind of behaviors from you make her unhappy to see her.
I've been thinking about this...and i want to make sure i'm on the correct path here, so my knowledgeable advisors....
Goal #1: I would like my wife to smile when she sees me because she is happy to see me. To accomplish this I need to: Smile at her (PMA) Compliment her Be in control of my emotions....ie no anger, sadness Be happy to see the kids Offer words of affirmation....not all the time..but when the mood strikes...
does that seem like a more action oriented goal?
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Some things to keep in mind about expectations when your spouse has decided to leave...
1. One good turn does NOT guarantee another.
Something that led to a great experience before, may lead to a horrible experience the next time. What they say yes to now, they may say no to later. There are no guarantees. By the same token, what they absolutely refused to even consider one day may well be something they will jump at later.
MORAL: You cannot base expectations on what worked or didn't work before.
2. Your goals are different right now.
If your spouse left, he/she is focused on creating their new life and deciding just how it's going to work. If children are involved and they are still somewhat responsible, they are trying to figure out how to minimize impact on the kids. Meanwhile we, as left behind spouses, are typcially focused on one thing - saving the marriage.
Expecting that your spouse shares your urgency when it comes to the marital relationship is a sure fire way to live in total frustration. And if things have been hostile or uncomfortable in some way, if they're truly thinking of ending the marriage, you have very little shot of seeing them want to do/say anything that you would consider helpful to repairing the damage.
MORAL: You cannot expect someone to want to work on something they've already decided cannot be fixed.
3. Chances are your spouse has done some changing.
If your spouse is anything like my ex was, he/she has possibly become a person that you hardly recognize sometimes. Mine went from being a loving mother and a woman with strong Christian morals, to engaging in illicit affairs and clubbing with single friends.
When you try to reason with this new person in the manner that was always reasonable for the two of you in the past, you are stunned to find out that they could care less about the really strong observation/point you just made.
MORAL: Expecting someone to react as they would have historically doesn't work so well when they've changed.
Most of the cycling that we as left behind spouses go through comes about because we do not recieve the response we expected from our spouse, OR because they don't seem to share our obsession with fixing the marriage.
If there were a magic pill for eliminating expectations in dealing with our wayward spouses, we'd all be so much better off.
In many ways we have to begin interacting with these spouses much as we did when we were first getting to know them.
Back in the dating days, if our spouse had turned down a night out, we might have been sad, but we would NOT have brooded about it, and you can be sure that we would have been right back up on that horse pretty quickly. We KNEW then that we were going to win their heart. We KNEW then that we were meant to be together, and that WE were the best spouse for each other.
Our confidence takes a big hit when this stuff happens. But we do ourselves a disservice if we don't take steps to renew our positive outlook, make some good changes, and renew our efforts to SHOW our spouse the person they once fell in love with.
Just as we treated them as loved friends when first getting to know them, we need that same approach again.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bill, excellent post! I'm really learning a lot from the LBS here, thinking about things I never considered before I walked away. Neil, just wanted to say I hope you are having a better day. Lately I've been GALing to take my mind off the sitch when it gets too intense. Seems to be working. Peace.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
A little secret, that you aren't going to believe, not yet. You have the power. Not her, you are in control. When you realize that, it will be true.
Jack,
Bingo back....lol
Shortly after sep and reading DR, I had three main emotions that were very strong....sadness.....anger (no big surprises here)...and empowerment.....I felt for the first time in several months I felt like I had the ability to affect a possitive change on my R on my own! It really helped build my confidence
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
You've been getting some fantastic advice these past few days. I bet if you go back and read through some of these posts again, you'll get a whole different perspective on your sitch. You may even find some more "goal" answers.
