NTE - then (sorry to be a tough beeotch but....) you will continue to spin your wheels and search for someone else to "blame" for your mistfortune, all the while being sex starved.
Which is worse? The state you are in, or the state you would be in if you made the ultimatum, or the state you will be in if you end up divorced?
I did give the ultimatum 7 years ago, we were separated and when I could see no change would happen, filed for divorce. We did do MC and "dated" while the divorce was pending. She somehow turned her "sex machine" and that is what reconciled things for us. The only thing missing was the SSM point of view, her understanding how no sex hurts me. We fixed some of our communication difficulties got the sex back on track.
Fast forward to now and we just slipped back to where we were before divorce except we communicate now. Do I have to sit down and have the SSM talk again? I did that once already. I did ask her to please read this SSM book. Should I start reading to her as a bedtime story?
As far as the "final" ultimatum I have been waiting to show her how much work I'm willing to put into this. Like Baggy says, show 3 months of solid work then tell her, "I won't live like this any longer and I need you to work on this with me, we have a year. If I don't so any real change by then, I'm leaving."
NTE - then (sorry to be a tough beeotch but....) you will continue to spin your wheels and search for someone else to "blame" for your mistfortune, all the while being sex starved.
Which is worse? The state you are in, or the state you would be in if you made the ultimatum, or the state you will be in if you end up divorced?
DQ
Divorced.
I am not blaming her per se, I know that I am not the perfect Husband/ Lover/ Friend. My fear is that she or I would pull the trigger for the big D pretty quickly and we both have too much pride to reconcile. I can't tell you how many times I took the keys out of the car as she was threatening to leave during our first year. I knew if she left the driveway, we were done.
Now, we have too much baggage and too much damage to give each other much grace. On a 1 to 10 scale, I would give our marriage about a 2. The only reasons we are still together are the kids and finances.
Well NTE - given that you say that the "only" reason you two are together is because of the kids and finances, then given that, why in the world would she want to have sex with you? I know I didn't want to have sex with my ex-h when we had nothing left together than kids and messy finances. What is sexy about that?
You can expect during the next month, that you will be continueing to make all the effort, and she will not make any changes. OK? Just get that in your head now so you will not have false expectations.
Then in a month from now, we can have that ultimatum talk and we will help you through it.
Nothing less than that plus MC plus sincere desire on both ends will fix this, ok?
Just be prepared. Also...there is still the matter of those A's for you to consider and getting through the truth of that may affect all other outcomes.
For what its worth NTE, you ARE a sexy desirable man. Whether your wife feels so right now or not, you ARE.
One day, I hope you will get to experience that side of yourself with a woman who appreciates it. I also hope that woman is your wife, but if it isn't, then life will go on...
I know we are never supposed to advocate divorce here, and I do not advocate it...but I also am realistic and aware about the subject.
