Mulesqb - Still alive and Kickin'

[Bworl]

What do you WANT to do Mules?

Has there been a problem with sleeping in the bed?

I'll just tell you that I'm the kind of person who does not believe in sending messages with actions. If I have something to say, I would rather say it and be done with it.

Messages that are sent through actions are tough to read, and, left open to the receivers interpretation can send something you never intended.

Plus it borders on what I would consider passive agressive behavior.

This is about YOU though. You do what YOU are comfortable with.


Blessings,

Bill

[The Wifey]

Bad night last night for me. I hope you slept well no matter where you decided to sleep.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1529292&page=0#Post1529292

[faithisbelieving]

mules...I agree with Bill:

• would you leave the bedroom because YOU want to or because it's 'the little boy inside of you' telling you to spite her?
• what message are you wanting to or trying to send to your W?

Although not as serious as filing for divorce, leaving the MBR is a powerful thing and if you do it, you must 'follow thru' with it. You can't move out today and be back in there tomorrow.

I have been sleeping downstairs on the couch now for almost 4-6 months. I hate it. But I am in a divorce process and the kids now know that I am not 'with mommy'. It gives a confused message to the kids if I were to hang out up there like everything is normal.

Think.

Think.

Get the N.U.T.S. book...learn about letting go of 'the little boy inside'.

As for backing off, I think that you've said your piece. Now, less talking and total listening is POWER.

FIB

[mulesqb]

Hey Bill - long morning. I decided to stay in my bed last night. It's funny, I was thinking about exactly what you wrote about what message does it send?? So I decided to stay.

She woke me up this morning and asked me about my feelings. She said we never finished our conversation yesterday. I told her that we left off that she was going to call me after therapy and that since she didn't I figured she didn't feel like talking. She said that she totally forgot about calling me (but 18 hours later she remembered exactly where the conversation left off). I told her that her forgetfulness was concerning me because she forgets a lot of things and it's happening more and more. Well that was the wrong thing to say because she ended getting into one of her tirades - pushing my buttons left and right.

She got me animated a few times but I was able to calm down immediately each time. Not easy though. She is upset that nobody in my family has called her to see if she's ok during this entire sitch. But in the meantime, in the two interactions she's had with them - she was very rude to them so there's no way they are going to do what she wants.

The biggest point is that she thinks I am brainwashing the kids against her. She said that I do too much with them and that makes her look bad and I am doing this on purpose (that's what set me off). I told her that I love my kids very much and as far as I am concerned I can't do enough with them. I told her that I am tired of her trying to make me feel guilty about spending time with the kids.

It didn't go well - she said to me that I can't possibly love her anymore no matter what I say because of what's gone on. She said she can tell that i don't love her anymore.

I ended up leaving for work. Was totally exasperated. We said some bad things to each other. My bad thing: You win - you can have whatever you want the house, the kids - whatever you think you need - I'm done> -- I know that was bad - but she was pointing in my face and one time grabbed me.

I got to the train station and decided to go back home - she was sitting on the front porch with Duncan. I brought up a cup of coffee. I told her that I was sorry about the way we spoke to each other this morning and that I don't want to do that anymore. I told her that I came back to the house as her H and friend. I said I do love her and that my actions for the last 6 months should really be the thing that shows her that. I didn't leave the house when it would have been totally justified. Instead I stayed to work on the marriage and our family. I told her that I get very frustrated by this situation because I don't see her working on it. I told her that I constantly pick up the slack with the kids because she said that she needed me to do that - but then she complains about the way I do it.

I said that I am here for her if she wants to talk to me just to listen - not offer any advice but I understand if she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me. I told her that I worry about her constantly because I see things that are very uncharacteristic of the person I have known to be my best friend. I said that I will just be here for support and not judge going forward. But when it comes to the kids I will do what I feel like I want to do with them and I want feel guilty about it anymore. I told her that I feel bad that she is going through hell inside and i can't imagine how much that must hurt.

That was pretty much the gist f what i said. She then spoke foir the next 45 minutes and basically blamed the way her mother raised her as to why she is in her current state. She confided a lot about her therapist session yesterday. The therapist told her that her parents kept her too sheltered and that is why she parents the ways she does now. I just listened and said things like "wow" or "that must be hard" - things like that.

So after all this we are right back to where we have been. She did have a bit of a meltdown (she acknowledged the menstrual cycle was about to hit - yeah no kidding - I can almost give her the start time!).

[mulesqb]

KJ - I read your thread. I know where you are. If anything - i have learned lately that whoever said "don't believe 100% of what you hear and 50% of what you see" is a fricking genius. Stay strong - you are a wonderful devoted wife - i truly believe if you stay on that path - things will work out for you the way you want them. You are getting on the roller coaster with your H (I do this too and can't stop - it's a bad addiction - but it's all about my fear of losing her). Make a conscious effort to get off - believe me I know how hard it is, but I also know how much better you feel when you can.

I went back to the bed last night. Just didn't want to send a stupid message, for what???

[mulesqb]

FIB - Honestly, my IC brought up the idea. She said if there is no intimacy - how does it make me feel that we are still in the same bed. I said I didn't like it. It seems my IC is challenging me to make my W make a decision. My IC thinks it may get ugly but that my W will come back. I don't know what to think anymore.

Doesn't seem like it is a good idea to challenge an MLCer.

But I will say that I don't regret telling her that I think she needs to see a psychiatrist. Somebody had to say it to her and i think her IC is going to be a very slow process.

I have tried to detach since and she is the one pursuing these heavy convos. I agree, I have said my piece to her and now I am just here to listen. I like the thought about POWER. I will keep that with me. What a tumultuous 24 hours it has been!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Mules,

I think you handled that all extremely well. Kudos to you for heading back, coffee in hand, and having a calm, loving conversation that -- although non-judgmental -- stood your ground.

Again, well done, and under very tough circumstances.

Puppy

[Bworl]

I think the realm and scope of your wife's issues are probably far beyond anything that I feel comfortable addressing. It does sound a bit like her therapist is tackling this as a childhood issue that is impacting her current life. Would be interesting to know the therapists take on what provoked the change in her behavior, and how he/she feels about the disconnect intimately between the two of you.

Your focus needs to be centered on the things that you can have some control over - you and the boys. You can emotionally support your wife and continue to love her and be compassionate, but the only things that you can ENSURE stay good are you and the boys.

I believe the comment about your family not calling was just a dagger that she threw.

I believe the comment about you brainwashing the boys probably has some truth and a lot of guilt in it. She knows she has not handled them well, and she probably does wonder if you guys have backroom conversations about her. I would be inclined to assure her that this was not the case (as I'm sure you already did), then leave the issue alone. My guess is that most of that comment was said because of the guilt she feels at not being very motherly lately.

Have the two of you talked about the physical intimacy issue? That is, have you spoken at all about WHY she feels incapable of being with you in that way? I believe you have shared that there have been times when she allowed hugging or cuddling in bed, and honestly, she doesn't seem unattracted to you to me. I just find it a bit odd that she expresses not feeling loved and at the same time pushes you away.

I just think right now it's a time and wait and see thing Mules. Other than a few slip ups that were hurtful to the boys, she really is not "acting out" in a way that so many others seem to experience. She is in therapy of some kind and that's a plus.

I guess I would continue to strive for normalcy as much as possible. There doesn't seem to be any great benefit to you, her, or the boys in turning the house into a no contact zone.


Blessings,

Bill

[mulesqb]

Thanks Puppy - She is acting very strange lately - very distant - then wants family time, confides in me and then hides in the basement. Thanks again for all your support.

How long did your sitch last?? This is becoming such a way of life that I am starting to forget how it used to be.

[mulesqb]

Hey Bill - When she discusses her therapy with me, she never addresses anything about me - I think she feels that's her personal zone and it will take a long time for her to feel comfortable enough. I think she led the therapist to her mom. She is the new punching bag (although she went this way years ago with her first bout with depression).

I really am trying to stay focused just on me and the boys but it is very difficult under the current circumstances. We are still under the same roof, eat meals together, sleep in same bed..so we do have a lot of interaction. She also wants me to be with her whenever the neighbors come over. She has started any R talk to gauge where i am at. I had been staying away from it until IC pushed me a little the other night. Not sure it was the best advice - nothing was really gained.

I let the comment about my family go - it's not realistic.

Honestly there are some backroom conversations. They have become impossible to avoid. She is so oblivious to their needs they are constantly questioning me. My IC advised me to be honest with them, that they see what's going on. I was very honest with her about what I say to them and why. She seemed ok with it - but I think she feels extreme guilt. When I came back from the train station I assured her that a couple of weeks ago I agreed to pick up the slack for her because of her current feelings and that is what I am doing and that is between her and I. She seemed comforted by that. I agree with you - hopefully she doesn't mention it anymore.

We talked the other morning about the intimacy. My therapist suggested that I try to initiate sex to see where we stood (it's been so long I had to think about how to initiate!). She basically said at the moment - that she's not there yet and that she hoped I could understand. I had been cuddling her in the morning as late as a few days ago and she seemed fine with it. I stopped the last two days. It's interesting that you bring this up. She once mentioned that her first boyfriend "forced" himself on her (not for intercourse- but for petting). She didn't make a big deal out of it at the time but I know her and I think there may be something to it, so i mentioned it to IC. She told me she thinks something happened in her childhood that she hasn't confided. I don't know though, I think preMLC, especially early on in our R she would have told me something like that.

I think you're right. For some reason, I seemed to have gotten a little impatient this week. I think I am back in stride and will just get back to as much normalcy as possible. I don't want a no contact zone and I want the boys to just enjoy their life as much as possible right now.