Last night was the first time I've dreamt of spouse since this whole thing happened. He wanted to talk to me, so we met outside a building where I was working.
He told me about how wonderful it had been when he first met her. I kept saying, "You don't date when you're married." ended up getting in a parked car where people were sitting and kept talking to spouse. My voice was vehement so we got out and kept walking. I tried DBing at one point. He was extolling her virtues and ethical standards of what she'd need to get married to him. By now I was standing on a couch (outside) and saying I wasn't interested and was not going to talk about anything to do with her.
The pathway looped around and I saw the directors of the play, other folks I knew just walking quietly nodding to me as they went by. I kept feeling like I was speaking, if not loudly, with emphasis. Everything that upset me was coming out. Then the phone rang which woke me up but kept the conversation going on in my head til I got up and started doing things to distract myself.
I cringed that my first thought when he initiated a meeting in the dream was that he was done with her and wanted to explore being with me again.
I think once before I had a 'yelling' dream.. speaking to my dad about his actions ages ago.
I hope it was a good thing.
Last night I was tempted to post my misery. I figured I was so tired from working so much on the play and not getting enough sleep that I was over tired.
I have no relationship with spouse. I do not email him, do not talk to him, I hear what he wants via the lawyers. He stopped depositing his check into the joint account to move the divorce along. He's now offering to deposit half the net income as a compromise. My lawyer asked me what I thought. After a quick run through with the numbers, I'd be able to pay the bills but not feed, clothe or do anything else for myself and the children. I had suggestions that perhaps he would cover our living expenses, then split the difference but kept the to myself. After all, the mortgage and household bills all reflect a partnership which he is severing.
Part of me was moping that someone who'd meant so much to me was so gone. I understand that dealing with him puts me in a bad place and I've entered the 'anger' portion of grieving. My answer was to go to bed, read "Codependent No More". I fell asleep with the book in my hand. Perhaps my dream of letting it all out was a good release.
I don't want that guy to be an thought I can't get rid of. I'll never like the fact that my/our family is being shredded.. but I have to accept and embrace that I have my own life beginning.
Oh yes.. and my sister-in-law invited me to a family BBQ for her mother's birthday. My first question was if they'd asked spouse. Apparently they had but he was too busy. I'll go up with the kids and bring back my niece and nephew to stay with me while their mom and dad go on a trip.
His family can be as loving as they can be toxic. I'm sure he's blowing them off if they don't invite his girlfriend (since his mother refuses to meet her). I don't want to get caught in that entanglement. I'm always willing to help, continue the goodwill and keep family ties for the good of the kids and what's good for me.
It's all weird.. but a learning curve. Who would have thought my 50's would be so interesting.
Reading positive books, like "Codependent No More" really helps me as I slough, slosh and hopefully avoid the near occasion of wallowing on this path.
Thanks for being my buddies, caring friends and support. Your words and encouragement support me in ways that go beyond words.
