Confused and Bewildered

[7 Year Itch]

Hi Pisces and Dan,

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm really trying to hold on to those moments of action rather than his words. It's just so hard. It's like a knife everytime he says it.

Dan, I do think his job has affected him, althought he doesn't think so. I've mentioned it a few times, but I think he thinks I'm just looking for excuses. I even told him, it didn't invalidate his feelings of how I treated him over the last couple of years, but that I do see a change in him as well. He's just not open to hearing anything right now, so I've dropped that quite awhile ago. I figure if we do reconcile, then somewhere down the road after we are quite stable, I will suggest he explore that more. I do worry about him. He's always been an incredible optimist, always seen the best in people, always been so easy going. He's still a GREAT GREAT person, and hasn't been jaded near as much as others in his professionn ,but there has definitely been a switch.

Well, I'm having an off morning ,and I'm not sure why. But for whatever reason, I'm feeling angry today. I think my jobhunt that isn't resulting in ANYTHING and feeling that pressure isn't helping. Figured I better come here to vent over doing something stupid like sending an email or something.

I'm just so mad that he decides this ,and who is the one sitting here jumping through hoops. Me. I have to go and get a full time job after us agreeing for me to be a SAHM. I was going to go back to school when our youngest was in school all day. Well, that's blown now. So trying to find a job to pay enough to stay in our current house is looking like mission impossible and I'm MAD about it. I'm mad my girls will not only have to suffer a divorce, but loss of friends, coaches, teachers, D6's Brownie troop, and their home through everything as well. It's becoming clear that I'm probably goinng to have to move into another city and condo and leave our country home on 4 acres. Talk about a huge life change for them. They have so much freedom here. It's so safe, and secluded, room to roam. And we are probably going to end up having to move to a place without a yard back in the suburbs.

I'm mad. I'm very mad about this all. And is HE looking for daycares and helping with that? Nope. I get to look for the job, figure out the daycare, I'll be the one dealing with the intense early mornings and late nights picking up and dropping off with daycare.

What changes for him? He moves out to a bachelor pad, and doesn't see his girls as much. Now granted, I know that hurts him, but it's HIS choice to do that.

I really don't want to hold on to this anger, because I don't want it to be counterproductive to the DBing, but i just needed to get it out.

I haven't talked to his parents in about a month or so, and I was thinking of talking to them again ,but I don't know. I know they are upset about everything, but ultimately they'll support H of course. Don't even know what I would say. Just miss everyone. They got us a webcam to stay in touch with the girls over the computer easier, and we used to do weekly phone calls. Well, I haven't been doing them. H does them with the girls sometimes when he is over visiting, but I haven't. It's akward. So I don't see or talk to them at all.

UGH. I just hate this. I want it all to end. I just don't think I'm the type that can go on with this for 3, 4, 5 more months.

Chris