Bworl said this to me yesterday. Read it. Then Read it again. After that, read it again.
"Look, it's really easy to find yourself caught in the trap of predicting the future and then responding to that potential future. And it's usually based on one or two simple events that you are applying your own interpretation to.
What do you expect your wife to do right now?
No, no.....wait a minute. I said what do you EXPECT your wife to do right now, NOT what do you WANT her to do?
Swap shoes with her for a minute. This is a woman who left the home, who believes that your marriage is potentially a failed one. In HER shoes, would you not begin taking steps to make sure that your children would handle that reality as well as possible?
I'm only saying that you continue to be hammered by her actions, when her actions are entirely consistent with the position that SHE believes herself to be in right now.
This is the trap the LBS falls in to way too often. Upside Downer is in a similar state right now.
WE, I repeat WE, see the marriage falling apart and can't imagine focusing on ANYTHING but finding a way to fix it.
THEY have already decided that the marriage is most likely not fixable.
You are forgetting your role in this thing right now.
Become a better man. Know what your goals are. Stop attaching your hopes and dreams to her current actions/words. Instead attach them to the confidence you have that this better man you are becoming will help her to eventually change her mind and move back in your direction.
Your ACTIONS are what is important. Not hers. You can't control hers, only yours.
Your actions are based upon your confidence and belief that you can SHOW her that YOU are her best choice, that there is no one else who could ever be a better husband.
As long as you allow these little tidbits of knowledge about her to throw you off your chosen path, you're going to join her in cycling and get further from that ultimate goal.
Accept that she is currently not interested in working on the marriage. It hurts, it's not understandable, but accept it.
Follow your plan. Accomplish your goals.
Become the friend that she cannot be without. As I recall, THAT is the person that I decided I HAD to marry."
you CAN do this.
stop going down the tunnels. Find what works for YOU.
Hi Kelly Jo Caught your thread this morning at work and caught up on it. Sorry you find yourself here. Hope you are feeling better than this morning. I have a computer in my face all day and find it almost impossible to stay off the site, which just keeps my sitch on my mind all day here....not good.
That post Neilh23 sent you from Bworl is a good place to get to, and where I am trying to be right now.
Powerful stuff, and I am certain I could find pretty much the same words scattered in my thread from him and Forrest....They are only now truly starting to sink in.
Trying harder to read more threads from women who are the LBS for some different perspective....although it always makes me wish that my wife wanted to fight for me as hard as you ladies are fighting for your husbands.
Than I suppose you ladies feel the same way when you see the H's fighting for the wives....LOL. How can we all get each others spouses together and make them all understand....some kind of mass intervention to make them all understand how much we love them, how much we have changed and are willing to change???
That is not going to happen, so we have to get on with our lives right? Easier said than done, right?
Kelly Jo, I have been at this for over 3 months now, and last night was the first time I actually went out by myself, sat down at a bar, had a drink and visited with friends......how's that for taking my sweet time getting a life.....and I am still not sure how I am going to get to step 2 today.
My sitch is a bit strange with my W. If you have time to read it, you may actually find it....entertaining? Maybe it will take your mind off things for a while.
Weekend before last my wife and I were away for a concert and camping trip....this past weekend she reminded me of her intentions to separate and that I should not get my hopes up....and to stop being so "nice" to her and doing things for her....I am just being phony she said.
But anyway...feel better! Read that post Neil sent...Bworl has a way with words and perspective.
