Ok, I won't. I'll let the ball stay in her court where it belongs.
So what do you think Pup? Was that reply from her anything that I should at least think she might get it a little? I mean, it almost sounds like to me that she recognizes it, but still isn't ready to come to grips with it.
Sound about right?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
If you want to know what your wife is thinking right now I can tell you what I was thinking before Retrouvaille in a nutshell (you can always look at all my posts). I fell "in love" with the OM. He made me feel good. He understood me. He touched me like I had never been touched. He called me "baby" and my H never did. We had songs together. We made memories together. Every song that would come on would make me think of him. I would find myself standing in a line and think about how he would touch my back when he would hold me. I would think how my H will never be like that...ever.... OM did things that weren't so great, but that was not my focus when I was missing him. I was the romantic, thinking about the romantic ways of the OM. I missed him. I wanted to contact him EVERY day. TV shows would remind me of him, someone would say something that I'd think how OM would think that was funny, I would pass a place we ate at, etc. I wondered what he was doing EVERY day. I had had a routine of when I talked to him and now I was stopping it altogether and it was sooo very hard. My feelings were real. I was mourning a loss.
When I saw my H doing things I had never seen him do. 180s (but he never had a book). I started realizing that we had a chance so I started backing off from OM. Got the OM mad, started fighting more....I was choosing less time with OM and more time at home. I started realizing that I would be leaving OM. I also knew that if H asked me now, I would tell him. Or, if there came a time to tell him about my affairs, I would tell him. The time came. I told him. He came home that night. We talked all night. I said I choose him. I couldn't stop crying. I felt awful and sinful. Very remorseful. I told the OM the next day we were done and no more contact. AFter that I was ok for a while, but I missed him and all those feelings I talked about above were always there. I started to read books, come on here to ask everyone for their help, slept a lot, stopped eating......waited for retrovaille.
I still think about OM every day. But, I am hoping it will become less and less as my H fills me more and more. I am also realllly trying to keep my mind away. Time heals all wounds and I want to put all my effort into my H and my family. I am trying to create new memories now..happy ones. Do I feel bad about what I've done? Yes, I wish I could take it all away. When I really think about it it makes me sick to my stomach and almost impossible to work on my marriage. But, I do remember how my H made me feel for all those years and how I came to be at the state I was in. Forgiveness takes time. You will not forgive her right away. She may not have forgiven herself and she may still be wondering "what if". SO many feelings in her head, believe me.
Your wife hasn't cried and hasn't started working on fixing the marriage. Did she ever say she chooses you? Retrouvaille will help that if she says she will go. Really, just going with you is a good gauge on whether she wants to work on your marriage.
Ok, I won't. I'll let the ball stay in her court where it belongs.
So what do you think Pup? Was that reply from her anything that I should at least think she might get it a little? I mean, it almost sounds like to me that she recognizes it, but still isn't ready to come to grips with it.
Sound about right?
I have no opinion. I don't form opinions of waywards based on their words, I look at their actions.
Well WDID, she' never said she chooses me. All I've got from her is "we'll see how it goes". That's it. And that's the hard part. I exposed to his wife and that was the beginning of the end of the affair. The final nail was when I exposed to our kids.
Puppy, Her actions say she's trying. But what I need right now is for her to say "I want to try". That's it. Nothing more. We can go from there. But she won't even say that. She's told the kids she's willing to "hang around" and try, but nothing even remotely like that to me. And that's what sucks.
I gave her a print out that Lost posted on H4H's thread about Retro. Asked her to read it and let me know what she thought. Don't know if she's read it yet, but she did look at the first page. Then she went to the store.
So I'm thinking if she won't agree to go to Retro with me I'm just going to tell her I'm asking for a transfer back to our hometown as it seems obvious to me that she really has no intention of "trying" to make our marriage work. Problem is, she's one who thinks you shouldn't have to try in a marriage, it's either there or it's not.
I appreciate everyone's comments. I'll let you know how it goes.
And I'm not sure how to get you the info about FB without breaking DB rules. Maybe someone else will come along and tell you how.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Any chance you could get away for a week with just yourself, or some guys for a golf, fishing or hunting trip or something? And you go COMPLETELY DARK during the trip??
This idea just hit me; she needs to MISS you.
Ideally, you do this after you confront her telling her you want some sort of verbal commitment from her, and she turns you down or waffles, and then you say you need some time to yourself, to think.
I think you need to rattle her cage. She needs to fear losing you.
