I guess it's all timing. Our timing has been lousy for the last several years. We were living out in the middle of nowhere where it was hard to connect with friends and then we moved back to a high-stress situation. I started questioning my abilities and sinking, she started soaring. We both have a love of the outdoors and being with people, but engaging in those loves for her became intimately connected with her career - an area that I tried to be involved in but was never fully invited by her. I mistook that to mean she wanted freedom in those areas, so I stopped trying to be involved. And we grew apart.
I guess what hurts is knowing that she saw the problem but never did anything about it - she preferred to focus on herself and her career. The "rewriting" of our history together helps justify that, I guess. She knows she was as much responsible for making the M what she wanted as me, but if things are cast into the light of basic incompatibility, she doesn't have to feel guilty.
Things have gotten better. I realize that looking through my journal from the past 9 months. She doesn't paint our time together as all bad anymore, she admits she wasn't really involved in the M, etc. But the few times we've talked, we always connect and when she asks about it, she realizes that I want the same things out of life that she does. So in order to continue justifying her actions, I think she needs to avoid this as much as possible, which is what's happened.
It makes me sad that I could never find the right way to reach out to her, but I think the combination of OM that was part of her career, her excitement and doing new things, and her desperate need for feeling independent conspired to make any sort of reconnection impossible. And I still wonder if LRT was a mistake. Maybe I should have competed with OM more at the beginning - been stronger. Of course, that would have threatened her career, which is why I chose not to.
The rotting fruit smell? No, that is not a pleasant smell. I clean up the fruit every night to try and get rid of it. The plums are almost done and then it'll be gone.
Enough rambling for a workday morning. Have a great day everyone!
