Very bad night last night. I tried to talk to my husband last night and he began feeling pushed. Yes, I wanted to talk. I was hurting. I wound up leaving the house for a while and made the mistake of calling my son while I was upset.
S and H have a strained relationship at best. It's been made worse by all of this. After I talked to my son he came home and had words with his father even though I asked him not to. S ended up leaving the house.
My h said that he felt like a failure and that this can't be fixed. That I need to pull myself together and stop acting like a little girl. I begged and pleaded with him. I cried.
I feel like hamburger this morning. I didn't DB, I failed miserably. I started out ok until he told me he would always love me but that he could envision himself not married to me.
I called the counselor this morning and she said not to give up hope yet. That he was unfair to tell me to stop acting like a little girl.
I just don't know. I feel so awful. I screwed up. H said I drove another wedge between he and son.
I can hardly breath. I'm at work and crying so hard I can't see my desk.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Kjo- you are going down "cheeseless tunnel's" trying to talk to him.... don't. you can do this....
you, and only you, can make the decision to give up hope. It doesn't matter what he says or does...Remember, believe none of what you hear, and half of what you see.
If you want this, you will get what you want.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and starting doing.
You will be fine. You will find that inner strength that will help you overcome this. You will. Believe it. Believe in yourself.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Because now you are absolutely sure that doing this is never going to work...that it's going to bring you pain. And therefore you will not do it again, and therefore you will have more joy.
Do not argue the fact that he was unfair to call you a little girl. Do not argue again.
Just pull back. Do a 180.
That means you don't go back and do this again.
There is still hope.
(I did this too, you CAN do a 180 now. So do it.)
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Its been nearly 2 months and only fleeting glimpses of strength. I haven't given up hope. I love him so much. I just hurt so very, very bad.
Not sure what to do right now. I just have to detach and back away. I want to reach out and hold him and I can't.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Bworl said this to me yesterday. Read it. Then Read it again. After that, read it again.
"Look, it's really easy to find yourself caught in the trap of predicting the future and then responding to that potential future. And it's usually based on one or two simple events that you are applying your own interpretation to.
What do you expect your wife to do right now?
No, no.....wait a minute. I said what do you EXPECT your wife to do right now, NOT what do you WANT her to do?
Swap shoes with her for a minute. This is a woman who left the home, who believes that your marriage is potentially a failed one. In HER shoes, would you not begin taking steps to make sure that your children would handle that reality as well as possible?
I'm only saying that you continue to be hammered by her actions, when her actions are entirely consistent with the position that SHE believes herself to be in right now.
This is the trap the LBS falls in to way too often. Upside Downer is in a similar state right now.
WE, I repeat WE, see the marriage falling apart and can't imagine focusing on ANYTHING but finding a way to fix it.
THEY have already decided that the marriage is most likely not fixable.
You are forgetting your role in this thing right now.
Become a better man. Know what your goals are. Stop attaching your hopes and dreams to her current actions/words. Instead attach them to the confidence you have that this better man you are becoming will help her to eventually change her mind and move back in your direction.
Your ACTIONS are what is important. Not hers. You can't control hers, only yours.
Your actions are based upon your confidence and belief that you can SHOW her that YOU are her best choice, that there is no one else who could ever be a better husband.
As long as you allow these little tidbits of knowledge about her to throw you off your chosen path, you're going to join her in cycling and get further from that ultimate goal.
Accept that she is currently not interested in working on the marriage. It hurts, it's not understandable, but accept it.
Follow your plan. Accomplish your goals.
Become the friend that she cannot be without. As I recall, THAT is the person that I decided I HAD to marry."
you CAN do this.
stop going down the tunnels. Find what works for YOU.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Its been nearly 2 months and only fleeting glimpses of strength. I haven't given up hope. I love him so much. I just hurt so very, very bad.
Not sure what to do right now. I just have to detach and back away. I want to reach out and hold him and I can't.
kelley- i know. i want to just hold my W and never let go. You have to tho. You need to for your own sanity. You do this, you will be able to again. Trust in that fact.
I just crossed the 5 month mark since this started, and i'm just finding the strength. You are in much better shape.
Keep it up.
Take your heart, take if off your sleeve, put it back in your chest. Hide it for a bit. Use your rational mind to figure yourself out first......THEN...use your rational mind to do this. Stop reacting to your emotions. It's taking you down a path you don't want to go. Easier said than done, i know. Just know it's going to get better.
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
You are far from done.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Thank you Neil. I will print this out and read it over and over and over.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
It's hard, isn't it? We feel like we need to keep telling them we love them because if we don't, they will forget. We feel the need to keep contacting because if we don't, they won't contact us. It is like a physical heaviness in our hearts, and the pain is physical. The thought of letting go is almost too much to bear. I could not have imagined doing it.
But you can. Letting go does not mean you are letting go of the marriage. You are just letting go of the behavior. You are focusing on healing you, rather than healing the M. You have to be able to heal yourself, and focus on you before you can focus on the M.
This is why we need to stop calling. When you call, you can say you have changed, but all he is seeing is that nothing has changed. Words and actions are two different things,.
Don't beat yourself up. I have done this so many times I don't even want to count. But I haven't done it for the last six weeks, and the difference is amazing. I don't hear from H every day anymore, but when we do talk, or I do see him, he is genuinely happy to hear from me. I think sometimes he is just taking a step back to see if the changes are real, or if I am just trying to pretend.
You can do this. At least your H has told you he still loves you. Yes, right now, he may see himself without you. But those are just words, and feelings CAN and DO change.
Not only are you making yourself a better person in your H's eyes by DBing, but you WILL feel better. I still miss my H terribly as well, but at the same time, I also feel more secure in myself than I have in a long time. And trust me, it does show to our H's. I have had friends and family comment on it as well. But the H's need time to see if it is going to stick.
This is a long process. It does not happen overnight. Just remember that.
Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Not sure what to do right now. I just have to detach and back away.
((((((((((Kelly Jo))))))))))
So you do know what to do right now!
And don't try to do anything to undo what's done. It's done, it's past. It is. Learn from it, but don't dwell on it.
Kelly Jo, you are not a failure. You are doing something that is really hard! It takes a lot of energy, and it is different than anything else you've ever done. There are going to be tough times along the way, but you can learn from them.
I think that a good thing to do now would be to think of what you could do differently, so that next time you feel that urge to talk you will know what to do instead. Since trying to think of that at the time is pretty much impossible!
