Weeeeeellllll. I've been working things over in the I'm Separated forum, but, I think I need to move over here for a bit.
It's 0240 and I'm 99% sure my W is screwing at least one other guy if not a couple. How do I figure that? Well, reading her e-mail turned me onto the make out session with the bus driver back in June. I confronted her and thought that was behind us. She said it was a mistake.
I quit looking at her e-mail and left things to the key logger. I didn't check it for a long time. Then, she became very reluctant and touchy about my asking about her whereabouts. So, I checked and saw that she had been answering CL personals and had arranged to meet someone in person. Her google search terms a couple of weeks later were "pregnancy test" and "morning after pill" which seemed to clinch the deal that she had at least a ONS. I figured that as long as there were no little kids running around, I could forgive her an indiscretion.
I monitor the back account and the cell phone call log. Strangely, there are only 2 numbers that she calls with the cell phone. Matt C and Rick T. Her story is that Matt C is a friend that she plays tennis with and she doesn't say anything about Rick.
I could see from the bank statement that she was in the mountains 2 weekends ago and when she couldn't get in touch with the kids or with me one night, she freaked out and her fear started running away with her. I pondered why she didn't just come over and check on the kids and then realized that she must still have been in the mountains. Curious.
I haven't had access to her text messages or voice mail or her purse for a while. She is sleeping downstairs on the couch while she is between places. So, I've spent the last couple of hours gather info from her purse, cell phone and the new blackberry that I knew nothing about. It's been interesting. From the text messages, it's possible that she is having affairs with both men. There was a card for Planned Parenthood in her purse as well as a note saying $450.00 in cash or certified funds before surgery. Did she have an abortion? I don't know. She was in church last Sunday, but, who knows. When I listened to the voice mail, I heard Matt calling her honey and sweetheart and saying how much he loves her and how he needs to be with her just one more day.
The tenor of the text messages between Rick and W seems like an affair. I see that the blackberry only has contact with Rick, not Matt. Interesting.
It looks like my honey, whoops, I mean my STBX hasn't a bit of integrity in her. How else can we explain that in our last MC session she proudly proclaimed that she didn't want to date until we were divorced?
OK, enough with the snide comments.
Seriously, I know that in many respects this is all circumstantial evidence that I am of course reading in the worst possible light. I also understand that people have come back from worse to have wonderful marriages. I also understand that I have three wonderful kids that I would like to spare from the pain of a divorce.
HOWEVER, I also have to be true to myself. Now, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I gave her my word that I wouldn't get into her phone or e-mail again. I did. Perhaps my word doesn't mean much and I don't have any integrity. I don't know the answer there. I do know that my honor won't let me be unfaithful, except that I kissed a couple of girls at the bar a few weeks ago.
Perhaps my integrity is more of a fluid thing that I thought, but, I still can't have an affair. I won't let myself.
So, what do I do now? What do I do?
Do I really want to save this marriage? Truthfully, I don't know.
We have been together a long time. We have three kids together. In many ways, I love her a lot. I really don't want the kids to have to go through a divorce. I made peace with my W being the only woman that I was ever intimate with and the only woman with whom I ever had a relationship. When things are good between us like when we are out on a date following our MC, things can be very good. She is turning 41 in 12 days. I'm supposed to sign another 12 month lease for the house where the kids and I live. I can see the stress of Mom being gone on my girls and they see her fairly frequently.
I don't know if I want her any more. I do love her. I do care for her. I really would like to have a new and amazing marriage with her. I'd like to travel the world and grow old with her.
BUT, when I met her, I didn't have options. My self-image was so low that dating was inconceivable. A friend of my W drug me onto the dance floor and threw me at my W. Some how, I took things from there. I've spent the last 18 years deathly afraid of losing her because I was sure that I would die a horrible lonely death without her.
Things have changed.
In the last three, six, twelve months, I have grown up and become a man, a charismatic sex worthy man that women want to be around. I have options now. In fact every where I go, beautiful attractive young women want me to smile at them and want me to come and talk to them. It's writ large on their faces.
Two weekends back, I spent three days out in downtown with my friend from Australia. It was glorious. We had an amazing time hanging out, drinking beer, and chasing women. Because I'm married, I made sure that I didn't catch any, but, otherwise, it was game on. I have a picture from that weekend where I have my arm wrapped over the shoulder of this beautiful young woman and we both have the biggest grins on our faces because we were enjoying each other's company.
When I look at that picture, I wonder why I want to stay with someone that I can't trust and who isn't working on our M.
One last thing. Last weekend, I realized that I finally was a man. I realized that I could make the pain and the loneliness that I've been feeling go away. I need not sleep in an empty bed if I don't want to. Yet, I must carry my burden. If I ease my pain, I will precipitate the divorce that will basically transfer my pain onto my children and I would spare them my experience of being on the other side of two divorces. So, as a man, I bear this burden in the hope of a new beginning with my W.
For now, I will do nothing except to continue what I've been doing. I'm finally for the first time ever getting a life. I will continue to give her the space she is asking for. Our current separation is a mutually agreed upon time apart with me continuing to support her financially except for the gas, groceries, rent and utilities where ever she lives.
