2 steps forward, 3 back

[HSSweetheart]

My H has filed for the big D. Any of you who remember me know this is of course the last thing I want. But however, I am trying to make it as painless as possible. I still have contact with him because of the kids. So I try to be civil at all costs, no matter how painful.

This has been hard to do now that I found out about OW. Not sure the exact relationship and not sure I want to know. But found out from my kids that OW stayed overnight in my s-i-l's yard with him and my kids. And D8 said this was not the first overnight. What infuriates me is that I have no rights about this according to a lawyer. H can do what he wants with who he wants with my kids, no matter how inappropriate or painful it may be to them. I know I am not the first to have this happen to, and I knew this was an eventually reality, but that doesn't make it any less painful. And now instead of just hearing about it she has been there the last 2 nights I came to pick up the kids. Yesterday I took the high road, walked past H and introduced myself to her. Tonite I just saw the car out front of his father's and my heart dropped to my knees. Is it fair to have it in my face now? To this day H has never mentioned her, just heard it from D8. People's advice to "get over him" or he's a jerk just are not doing it. I cannot flip a switch on my emotions like H. I am trying my best not to say anything bad to anyone about this person I don't know. I want to be the better person. I left H a voicemail tonite as I was highly upset, that do me a favor and if you are not going to be alone when I pick up the kids then do me the courtesy/decency and let me know and I will pick them up around the corner. I know everyone will say it was wrong. But I didn't say anything bad about anyone or the situation, just that I do not want it to be upsetting me on a daily basis now, I just cannot handle the stress. Feel like I have gone back to the first few weeks of separation again, can't eat, can't function at work, can't sleep, as you can see from the time it is. After nearly 25 years together all I am asking is that it be fair and I don't have to be treated like a piece of garbage. Do you think I am wrong? I'm not even asking to have it over, that is his choice. If I had my way I would just have it done away from the kids at this time as I don't think they should have to be subject to it.

I have not dated, after all of this I have no interest. And the few times I have gone out with males from my support group I did it when I didn't have the kids and kept it away from them so they wouldn't think it was something. But that is not upfront in everyone's mind as we all know. If it was WAH's might not have left in the first place.

Sorry to be so long, this really sucks. I wish I could time travel. Sigh..Thanks for listening.