Share what has worked positively in your R. I think it would be great to have one condensed list for all of us to get encouragement from so share, share!!
1) My giving husband space and saying yes to his requests for time away. We are S.
2) No R talk and not "pressuring" him. Having NO expectations and treating him like a friend.
3) Meeting his LL. Being receptive and happy to have any and all physical contact (physical touch has actually become my 1st LL too)and also affirming and validating him.
4) I like to talk, so when I don't talk and give H time, he usually speaks and tells me something he normally wouldn't. He does not respond well to asking him a lot of questions it makes him feel like he is getting the 3rd degree.
Well, that's what I have thought of so far. How about everyone else?? We know DB works but what have you actually observed in your R??? nik
In my R there are a few things that really help our communication...
1) Talking less... just like written above. Give my H room to voice his thoughts, not interpreting for him. This takes a lot of patience.
2) Giving him a graceful exit. Telling him things he might not want to hear or make him feel feel uncomfortable when he's standing at the door with his shoes on. This means that he doesn't feel trapped by whatever I need to communicate, and can go away quickly to process.
3) Compliment and run. Anytime I want to tell him something flattering I do it so that it's not in an intense face-to-face contact. This decreases my expectations of his reaction and lowers the pressure so that he can just enjoy the feeling of the compliment without having to think of how to respond. He almost always comes back to me later to say that what I said meant a lot to him.
5) Being physically busy while engaging with him - washing dishes while we chat, cooking dinner, making jewellery (a hobby of mine) so that he doesn't feel intense focus on "him" and "us". Creates a more relaxed interaction. And he'll often join in (drying the dishes, setting the table) so we experience a sense of rhythm in a natural way.
6) Ending phone calls in a quick and funny way. If a chat is going well, I'll abruptly end it on a high note by saying "Ah!! S1 is grabbing something! Gotta go!" and hang up. Always said with laughter and a sense of urgency, so that he's laughing at the funny stuff that's going on in our home, and we aren't bringing the conversation to an awkward close of "Well. I guess that's it. Soooooo... I guess we'll talk later?" Always leave 'em wanting more, right?
