State of Mind

[BeingMe]

Thanks Wii! I am back home .... for now!

No great epiphanies re my M. I don't expect there ever will be. I think my H is just going to go along for as long as I am willing to live with the status quo. He is not going to initiate anything, or seek help for any problems, or do one dash darned thing to improve this M any further than he has ... i.e. he's here, isn't he???!!! And, I am fresh outta ideas, and no longer willing to fight anymore.

At present, I am unwilling to put my D15 through a D. H and I are friendly, and even a little affectionate, so I doubt she feels there is anything wrong ... although, kids can be pretty astute. Still, I will leave things as they are, until she has been at least one year in college (3 years to go). We are the only family she has in Canada, other than siblings and cousins who we never see. So, for us to separate now, would be unfair on her, I think.

I am thinking of putting forward a proposal to H ... not sure when, and I am only thinking of it, for now. Give me your opinions, please. (I know, Phoenix and Aud, that what I'm proposing is against our C, so it's going to be really extreme for me to go through, but it's been on my mind.)

I am thinking of asking my H for a LS, but not tell the kids. I want to start working with my own finances, be independent in thought, but still have H come home (I think he likes that there is a home and family to come to every weekend), take care of D15 financially, etc. I am not interested in a D, and it doesn't seem as if H is either. However, if he does meet someone else, or I do (which is pretty unlikely), then it will not be a whole big drama to just get the D quickly and cleanly. I am tired of wondering what our finances are about, what he's doing while he is away during the week (if anything), why he's not interested in me romantically, yadda yadda. I think I am over my H ... I don't think I love him anymore ... at least, not in 'that' way. I do care about him very much, and always will. He's been my H for 22 years, and I have loved him so much, even when he didn't love me. Now, I just don't have those feelings anymore. I don't want him to be unhappy, so I want him (and me) to have a quick out, if needs be. However, I do not want to end up poor either. I have worked too long and hard with H to get where we are, to just throw it away. I think a LS will protect me, and him, and our last child at home, while giving him the freedom to pursue whomever he chooses. I will be back at university in September, and I will be busy with classes, so I will have something to occupy my mind, and not obsess over the semi-end of my M. I never wanted it to come to this. I had hoped we could get the feelings back, but he obviously doesn't love me, and now I return that sentiment.

Am I crazy for even thinking this? Is it possible that I could get my feelings for him back, one day? Or, could he? I have no more hope left ... the rope is dropped ... I must move forward without him (emotionally speaking, anyway).

Time for bed. G'night, y'all!

[Phoenix_spark]

I've got a few thoughts wandering through on that concept, but I'll try to think about it for the night and get back to you on the issue. Needless to say I fully understand where you are on this one, but I don't think that's really where you want to go.

[BeingMe]

I look forward to your thoughts on this, Phoenix! It's the only thing I can think of to do without actually D, or just staying as we are. I am not happy with this M, and I need to move on. H has had long enough to earn back my trust, and do the right thing. I think he just likes having his family to come home to, and doesn't see the need to do anything about our intimate life, or our R (for example, never discussing our finances with me ... this has been a huge crux in our M for years, and I am tired of not knowing about a very important part of my life, or having a plan for the future, and discussing that plan).

I have just had enough!

[Aud31]

I am thinking of putting forward a proposal to H ... not sure when, and I am only thinking of it, for now. Give me your opinions, please. (I know, Phoenix and Aud, that what I'm proposing is against our C, so it's going to be really extreme for me to go through, but it's been on my mind.)

I understand that helpless feeling, that nothing is going to change because *he* just doesn't get the significance of your feelings/dwindling thereof.

I think from your posts that you've been pretty clear on this with him, and the fact that he blows it off and keeps you shut out does not indicate the level of commitment necessary in a marriage. He does seem to be cake-eating, and I don't think you are required to just sit there and take it.

When you really focus in on what direction you should take in prayer and study, what impressions do you get? Have you and he visited with any church leaders together? I know he wasn't interested in counseling, but at some point, he is responsible for fulfilling his duties as the head of your home (which to me include respecting, loving, and honoring you) and if he is not...well, you get where I'm going with this.

You are only required to love much and do the best you can. The rest is up to God. Do what you feel is best. ((Hugs))

[whatisis]

Being Me, only use the separation idea if that is what you really, really want. Don't use it as a tool to get him to work on the M, not that I get the feeling that you are but...just in case, I mention it! Now, how do you have a legal separation but continue to live together? You would have to separate your living arrangements, not eat together, handle bills independently etc and do you not think your kids might just catch on at some point here? It sounds quite emotionally difficult and somewhat dishonest to your family. When the kids find out they're gonna want to know "why didn't you say anything?" They may feel misled, I dunno. Just thinking out loud here. I think it might be better to just go to H and say "I would like to separate in six months (or whenever) and therefore I need to know our financial sitch etc." If you do this as two civil adults it could work out well for you but who knows what can happen when you drop the bomb, people get weird! Just my 2 cents, for what they're worth.

[BeingMe]

I do understand what you're saying, Wii! I hate hiding things from my children, but I also don't want to stress them out. I feel, as long as, we're not fighting, and are being civil, then a LS shouldn't have to be shared with them. Perhaps.

I am not interested in D, but I do want to be on my own (legally, if not physically). H is away from home all week, and home only on the weekends. I doubt he would want to change this. So, it shouldn't be too hard to keep the house as is, get the papers in order, and just go on as before. He is thinking of renting an apartment for when he is on a project for any length of time, so that would be like his own place. We don't have to share a bedroom on weekends, since we are not intimate, or anything .... we have a spare bedroom right next to the main bedroom which he could use.

Anyway, it's like we are living a lie anyway. We really aren't married in the emotional sense of the word, let alone the intimate sense ... just so on a piece of paper. Maybe, I should just go for the LS, let the kids know, and tell H that we can still continue as now, since I know we are his only real family in Canada. D15 would hate her dad not coming home on weekends.

Anyway, I am just really throwing this idea around. I want to be fair to the children (especially D15), H, and myself. I know he likes being at home with us, so I would hate to take that away from him. But, truly, we are like room-mates/friends who share a hug, occasionally, and a bed on weekends.

At this point, I don't want him to work on the M ... it's too late, as far as I'm concerned. I'm just looking at the least painful way of ending it.

[BeingMe]

Maybe, I should just go for the D, and get it over and done with. Doesn't mean he can't come visit on weekends still. I just want to move on with my life, and I feel like I am stuck in this weird, limbo-like M. He's not going to change, or suddenly wake up and realise the irretrievable damage he has done. There is just too much water under the bridge. I care about him, but I don't love him anymore. I'm not even attracted to him anymore, either. If I had to discover today, that he has another OW, I doubt it would bother me (or surprise me). It would give me a good reason to initiate D proceedings quicker.

Such a pity, but it's pointless my hoping for something that is dead and gone, and not coming back, as far as I can tell. I think we just wasted a lot of time, these last 3 years since he ended the A and we started 'piecing'. But, at least I tried, and maybe he did too, in his own way.

[Aud31]

((Hugs)) Hope you're finding your way...just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

[Phoenix_spark]

I had a long dissertation about this, being that I'm living the death spiral right now, but I'll just say you don't want D. This weekend I'll probably have to face my little ones and tell them why there M has made this decision. Sure, your frustrated, but I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone.

If you have reached your patience limit perhaps you need to sit down with H and put down a time line with goals. Have a clear list of what your not happy with, what needs to change and when your going to sit down with him and decide if this has been met or not. He will either have to commit and perform, or he just might say, "it's time". Either way, you will have to live with the outcome and there should be some definite outcome. Be prepared either way.

Now I might not be DB correct here, perhaps you might want to put your plan together and then call one of the DB coaches. You'll have to decide how this will best match your sitch. I know your frustrated, but be selective how you play the D card.

[BeingMe]

Thanks Aud and Phoenix!

Believe me, though, I am not 'playing' the D card ... I am serious about this. It's not even about being patient. I just don't believe my H can ever change. It's not even about his A ... that was just the cherry on the top of a M where he has really not been emotionally there for me. There have, of course, been good times (I am no history revisionist), but I can remember when our youngest was a baby, the twins were 6 yo, and our eldest was just 13, and finding porn in our garage. And, this was not the last time ... it went on for years, going from print to computer (even though he knew the kids could accidentally find it, like I did). There are so many times where I should've walked away, but I didn't because I forgave, I loved, was patient, and tried to see the good man that he can be, and has been at times. But the A, and the way he has been since, has left me with little inclination to try anymore. I can remember only once, his ever being truly romantic .... ONCE!!!! ML to him has to be just sex. He doesn't tell me he loves me when we do it ... not gentleness. Just like in the porn movies. I ask just once, if we could be gentler, more romantic, and he switches off. Three years ago! Whatever! So be it! He made his bed, and now he can d@mn well sleep in it, by himself.

I just want to exit this M with the least amount of pain, so that I can get on with my life, and do the things I want to do without always worrying about whether his feelings are hurt, or if this will be the weekend where he will show me that he does really love me. I just don't care anymore whether he does or not.

Sorry, vent over!