5 yr DBer, "Joint" D now in progress

[RSmiles]

New resolve today. I'm going to be ok. I'm accepting the fact that my M is over. I know I tried a lot in the past 12 yrs to make this work. It's not my fault that H is not motivated to sustain an R and wants to be free. It's not a reflection on me that he blames me for his unhappiness. Yes, I was not always a perfect person either at all times in our R, but there needs to be two people committed to making an R work, not just one. There needs to be two people giving and contributing to an R. I know I have a bright new chapter in front of me in which I can focus on things that I enjoy in life. I have held back from doing a lot of things I wanted to do that H didn't like. I lost myself and worried a lot about H's happiness/mood swings. So, my life has the potential to have a new richness. I can't even imagine going on dates or anything at this point yet. I think I really need to rediscover my own identity and strengthen myself. I think I can begin to understand that having true love and compassion does not require attachment with another person. I'm delving into more spirituality readings and contemplation. In recent years, I have made my best efforts to use crisis periods to deepen my own personal strength and spirituality. When I was diagnosed w. Diabetes (8yrs ago) I began a spiritual awakening and study to understand life since it is so short in a way. Then, through each little crisis after that this same desire for understanding and growth has been within me (losing jobs, previous S from H, sister's trials from alcohol, family deaths) I think this D is probably the biggest personal catalyst yet. Maybe I can jump to a new level now. I am not scared anymore of being "alone". The universe is vast and no one is really alone.

[cat03]

sweets, you are not leaving a moment too soon, the man is a mess, as it is you've put up with WAY too much!

And I am confused- if I truly have love and compassion then am I supposed to try to stay w. H even after how he treats me???

You can still have compassion as you step away from abuse, which is what he doles out on you, verbal/emotional abuse, which is as bad or worse than physical abuse. You can still pray for person as you step away from their toxic cloud, I pity stbx and am in the process of forgiving him for all the indignities he's done to me, out of love to God I pray for him and try not to be the ex from hell, I could you know, he' deserver every bit of it, but I won't, that's love and compassion.

Why do I blame myself and think I'm not a good enough person.

For one, all the trash he's talking is getting to you, also, our society has cast a dark aura over divorced people so that's why you fee like you've failed. In reality you've hanged for so long and put up with so much in efforts to have a good M, but it takes two for that to happen, you could've been Mother Theresa and still he would've been the same jerk he is now, he's an unhappy lost person who spews out the venom that is eating him. The man is not mentally well.

I think this D is probably the biggest personal catalyst yet

yes! because God can bring success out of ashes, you will do great hon))))))))))

[RSmiles]

Thank you Cat!!! I really need support right now... H has gone ballistic since I last posted.

Unfortunately, things are getting worse here temporarily for me. Like an hour or two after I posted my 'new resolve', H's behavior and attitude towards me has taken a sudden turn toward the worse. It's like he noticed I was calm and happy and can't take it? Who knows. For the last couple days, he's been in and out of periods of rage, threatening to sue me, throwing things in my direction.(Luckily he hasn't hit me) Thank god I am leaving in 3 days. Yesterday, I had to take a break and leave the house for my own sanity/possible safety. H is acting out of control right now, he still hasn't signed the temporary order b/c of his BS.

On Saturday, it all started b/c the dogs were out in the yard playing and one of them lost their dog tags. I don't know where the tags are- lost in the grass? H lost it- started screaming at me that I am the dumbest B%^ he's ever known, What the F is my problem:$#%" He then demanded that I find them or pay for them and I better hope they didn't eat them b/c he's suing my a$$ off if one of them gets sick and dies. He then went into a screaming tirade about how he hates me b/c he thinks I killed our cat 8 yrs ago. (Back story- the cat ate some thread by my sewing machine, he had to have surgery b/c it wound around his intestines and he didn't recover from surgery. Very sad story- but how on earth is this my fault??) But this is one of the many things H holds against me- H calls me "Cat Killer" over and over. I love my cats, is he insane or what!!? The next thing I know these 2 guys ring the doorbell to come look at an old car we have that apparently H put up for sale!! But, H has no idea where the keys are, he lost the title for it- so he can't sell it. The guys are standing out in our driveway and H comes running into the house yelling at me "Where the h did you put the keys?!@#" What did you do I bet you let the dogs eat them- dumba$$856" H had no plans to tell me about selling the car, nor sharing any $ w. me- He lied and told me he was junking the car earlier (it's pretty dead). But now behind my back he's trying to get $200-300 for it. He never found the keys and the guys left. Apparently he told them they could buy it now and he'd just get them the stuff later. Don't think they bought it. OH my.

Then today, I get home from my last day of work and H immediately starts yelling at me about the remote control (broken) and the dog tags again and now his passport. He demands that I buy new ones and that he won't sign the temporary order until I do or get it added in the temporary order. INSANE! I tried to talk him down, but I don't know if it worked yet. OMG. And he thinks I owe him a new passport or I better scour the house looking for it, b/c he doesn't know where his passport is and he needs it in his file cabinet for security reasons. Is it my fault he never paid attention and is disorganized? I don't know where his passport is. He just burst into my room and yelled at me about why am I paying our mortgage late this month (remember he told me he has no $$!!! So I have to pay it all now w. my check on Fri). Then he screams "I'll be so F glad when Friday comes and Im done w all your BS!" Can you believe he just said that to me?!!!! He's stomping around in a rage and I said I would call the police if I had to and he got even madder at me. Luckily for now he's left me alone. I feel really tense., somewhat worried and hope he doesn't lose it more. He has never really hit me before. He throws stuff and spews tons of angry verbal abuse. He got really rough with one of the dogs today was jerking him around and yelling at him. I do not like that at all.

What a drama. I'm doing better today, yesterday I was in tears half the afternoon. Help- what do I do to make it through this and stay safe and get him to sign the order. Just not react to him and try to be calm? I'm trying my best. My Mom is flying in tomorrow night, I think he might behave better when she's here. Let's hope.

[BethM]

RJ,

This is scary. Do you have a friend that you can call and ask to spend the night? I know that you said he hasn't hit you or anything but if his anger is getting more and more out of control who knows what he's capable of? This is person is clearly someone you don't know!

Take care of yourself...........

Love,
Bethie

[RSmiles]

My parents think I should at least buy him the new remote control so that hopefully he'll calm down and sign the papers. In fact, my Mom offered to go get it when she's here tomorrow. I told her right away I do not need her to do that- It's 17.99. I know she thinks she's just trying to help... I didn't promise H I'd get it and no I'm not trying to fight him on anything here, just don't think this pertains to the temp order papers. My folks want me to be safe and try to promote peace, thus I should buy it for him. (Back story- the dogs chewed it up, it's broken- H thinks it's my fault and I should replace it) Is this right??? I think I feel like I'm on a soap opera now.

[cat03]

oh honey, I'm so sorry he's being so horrible to you!! i'm so glad you are leaving, do try to stay out of the house as much as you can, he's lost it. About the remote, my first instinct is to say screw him, but, if this will shut him up and all you need from him is the signature and then you can leave his pathetic arse behind, then get him one and be done with him.

[RSmiles]

I know! There's no good explanation. Someone told me maybe H doesn't want me to go- I don't know, just think he's locked in the blaming path. Well, I gave H $20 for the remote today and then he signed the temp order papers. Things are much calmer today. Thank god! Now, I'm off to finish packing and start moving.

[cat03]

thanks heavens!! those were the best 20$ you've spent this week to get him off your hair, it really shouldn't have had to reach that extreme, but desperate times require desperate measures.

Could also be a hissy fit, and looking at the past it seems he's unstable as it is.
Good luck packing! you are heading off to a new better place hon, remember that.