Detaching 101??

[Creed]

How right Cat's last comment is...about LIMBO sucking the life out of you. I remember all to well how that limbo felt. I'm not saying where I'm at now is all sunny and great..it's not, not by a long shot.

But no longer being in limbo sets you free in a different way. It is a freedom of sorts..you're no longer swinging in the wind, or dog paddling in an ocean. You start to feel a sense of relief that you haven't felt in so very long. You still have the pain and grief of your marriage being hurt/damaged/perhaps destroyed, but you no longer are tied to something that has quit working, and has started to decay. I think once you let go of that decaying matter, you realize that whatever happens..divorce or reconcilation, you will be starting out with something that will have new life breathed into it.

As I reread some of the posts to you from myself and others here, it hits me how blunt and harsh they can sound.

I can probably speak for many here that that's the last thing we want to do...make you cringe in hurt yet more than you already do/have. Myself, I just want you to realize that things are rarely what they seem when our spouses go through this. As much as you want to believe, as much as you know there is good inside of them, another side has come out/or has been hiding that you couldn't possibly prepare yourself to deal with. Everytime they say/do something nice or intimate, we want to believe it is 100% sincere and from the heart. What we have to realize is that their number one concern right now is themselves. NO ONE else. They might not want to hurt anyone, but they will if that is what it takes to get what they want, get where they want to get to, be who they want to be,be with who they want to be with, accumlate what they want to own, etc.

This is the part that almost, and I stress ALMOST makes me feel bad for the OW. Because they are getting the same treatment on the other end, whether they know it or not. I guess you could say that they have it coming, and maybe they do. But I'm sure even they have feelings, misdirected as they may be. Do they really and truly believe that they will be our spouses one and only true love??????? Do they realize they are/were used? I don' t know, and I'm not going to waste any more brain cells analyzing it, but it makes my point.

Please believe us when we say you will breathe a sigh of relief once the limbo has ended...whether by you or by your spouse. I think this is where detaching and letting it go really comes into play. Because once you master those two things, you are then free to continue your stand, or end your stand..but regardless you are no longer in limbo. Your daily life no longer revolves around WAS/OW. It revolves around you and your kid(s), the life you will rebuild around your own interests, friends and contacts. You can still stand for your marriage AND move on with your own life, live and learn. And THAT will only enrich your life more than it was before, whether your reconcile or not.