Well my eharmony guy called me on my cell yesterday while I was at the dog park. We had a nice first chat...one of his questions was "How long have you been single?" Well I guess I have been "single" about 5 years.
For some reason I have been revisiting my very first posts. They aren't on the BB anymore, but I did save my first real thread on MLC to my computer. Whew! Oh the pain! The agony! The horrible impact on the kids!
I truly feel much better now. But the conversation w/ FG (He is a florist) made me think about how cumbersome it it to go over our "story" with each new acquaintance. As I was finishing up my call to him, my girlfriend arrrived at the dog park w/her puppy...one of Argo's best friends! She is also D, and is a single mom to a teenage girl. We were talking about how different it is starting a relationship now, in our 50's compared to fresh out of HS or College. (X and I met in college, as I am sure a lot of you did...)
She made the point that when we are younger we are more naive, and maybe that is a good thing...We are full of hope and don't know any different. Now when we meet someone, there is all that history. And how soon do you go through the whole story?
Well FG wisely said there are some conversations that are better to be had in person. And I agree. I like his pictures a lot! But as we all know, the photographs can be misleading.
CG was still hurting, big time over his D which was over 7 years ago. He felt a lot of bitterness about losing a lot of "his" money in the settlement.
This new fellow has his own arrangements, as do I.
A lot of what we struggle with while going through the mediation process is "what is fair?"
I don't know if you can ever really quantify "fair"
In my case, I was never a full-time SAHM. I always worked or went to school part time. My schedule and my life was completely arranged to support my kids and my H, first while he was in Grad school, and then later as he started his career.
Sure, there is the 24/7 aspect of parenting that is really hard to comprehend until you do it. And I was creative, thrifty and supportive for the entire time. My so-called career was never really a career, it was just a way to bring in a little extra cash in a way that was compatible with the kid's schedule. I fully expected to be part of a "team" called my family and make my contributions by supporting the other 3 members in the best possible way. I did this for 19 years.
When I discovered the OGIRL and kicked H out after the 3rd time of discovering his lies, I was forced to, by circumstances, try and make the best of my life. I went back to school and got my Master's degree. I graduated over 2 years ago. And while I have had some interesting and rewarding work, my level of income is less than 1/3 of what is was before the D. It has been VERY DIFFICULT.
Blaming SAHMs for not having career success while being thrust into it at midlife is the same as blaming the victim of a crime. I for one have done the best I possibly could have done with my life and circumstances. I fully expected to be making a decent salary at this point, but it is not happening.
In California there is no such thing as alimony if you are in my situation, and I am glad. I get this chance to make it on my own. Yay me. If, however, I hadn't had the help of my parents I would be one of those people you read about in the papers.
There is the emotional toll of divorce, and in MANY cases there is the financial toll. I know that someday I will come out on top, but it has been much harder than expected.
Too bad I didn't luck into an admin job with a fortune 500 heir. Instead I have been busy teaching 21st century skills to children who don't have a chance to learn these skills at home because they don't have an Internet connection.
So I guess the point is we all work hard. We all deserve credit. And we all had to change our plans, switch gears due to the D.
SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
