I would just simply read the references on it in the DR book. It is working for you. It is really a very simple concept. You give what your partner needs and wants not what you want them to need.
ex- Your spouse wants space, you give them space by not talking about the R, letting them do their own thing. You don't try to find out what is wrong or work on the R.
I find if you listen very well they will tell you what they want, just don't be affraid to give it to them even if it may cause you some hurt (kind of like setting someone free so they can choose to come back if they want to, you don't want to, but you need to)
Read through some of the threads, the board is covered peoples spouses telling there partners what they need from them.....listen. It is not something you necessarily formally implement like the 5 LL. It is something that should come natural when you follow your heart.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Lost- you are getting some real clarity! what you have been doing is working- thats all there is to it. DR, DB and all the archived threads really helped me..i read wise advice from DB'ers all the time and nuggets of wisdom under that too...it just reinforces this method of letting go, detaching, listening, validating, etc.
you are already doing it- and now is the patience part...real patience...i think you have the GAL down- and that is so helpful!
whats the latest with you and your H?
(((LOST!))))
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Right now, I think my H needs me to give him space, and be his friend, and cooperate with him on a legal S. Definitely he needs me to not be upset or disappointed with him, he needs to see that I'm OK, that I have my own life and happiness, and that I do not try to control or figure out or analyze his actions. I do think he needs to know that I still care about him, and am interested in his life, but not to a nosy or needy degree.
whats the latest with you and your H?
The latest is that he called me last night, and I let it go to voicemail. In the message he says he wants to come over tomorrow after I get off work to pick up some clothes. So, I waited about an hour and then texted him back that was fine. I'm planning on looking great, and being friendly, but also distracted. I think I may tell him I'm going out, not sure yet.
Anyone have any suggestions?
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
i think thats great to look great ( ohhh la la) and chat for a bit then go out...it sounds like you have it all figured out..if he wants to talk more say you'd love to another time and for him to call you...make him feel special at the same time as giving you and him space...
remember casual friends...and you have it down pat--your first paragraph above sums it up- you rock! keep us posted!!
he is making excuses to come see you so thats VERY good...
you dont have to be super distracted...just have plans and leave after you guys talk a bit- does that sound good?
(((lost)))
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
That movie was really special. The only way that we can come through this is with clean slates. We are going to have to do the hard work of earning them rather then erasing them, but they will be clean before we can build that new R that we are all seeking.
I think that your plans for when you see you H are perfect. It would be totally impossible from a guy’s point of view not to notice when a woman looks great, and I don't care where his mind is that is just biology. I hope that it is the same for a woman as well because I have tired the same approach of looking good every time I see her.
Good luck tomorrow and stick to your plan don't do or say anything on impulse, only what you have been thinking this last week. You are going to do great!!
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Thanks Julia & Pisces. P, that's a really good suggestion to tell him he can call me and I'd love to talk later if he wants to. Send me some good vibes for later on, guys!
BTW, P, I live in Nor Cal, too!
JWS, isn't ESSM a great movie?! I love it so much, I bought it a long time ago and have watched it since this thing happened, oh, like 10 times. It just goes to the heart of the matter of what we're all dealing with here, our spouses looking only at the bad memories of our Rs. But if you take those away, like clearing away cobwebs, what remains is precious and sacred and...rare.
And don't worry, women very much notice when a guy looks great. ABSOLUTELY positively. Right, girls?
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
