WAW#11

[NikB]

Phil - I see you've gotten a lot of responses since the original one to me, but I haven't read them yet. So this is a response to your post right after mine (with one other quote from the next one).

I didn't say you pick ALL of the fights. I said you often pick them. So does your W. As Jack mentioned - it's a pattern in your R with her. You can't control her side of it, though, only your responses.

To be totally honest I feel like you're trying to pick a fight with me, by the way you wrote several things in your post. I'm not interested in arguing, so I'm not bothering to respond to those points. (see how it stops quickly when one person doesn't engage in it anymore?)

With that though I also wanted to mention, because I see it as a positive change, that your reply was respectful (as I know that's come up in the past on some of your threads). I know some of it bothered you and can tell that from your tone, but I did not feel like you were attacking me. Good job! I know that it's a difference in how you're responding and I'm very glad to see it.

Your W definitely enjoys pushing your buttons. Before it was the laundry thing.. now it's the schedule with the kids. I think the only way you can really handle this is set a schedule, and stick with it. I know you're going to say that she won't agree to a schedule, but there are ways you can make it happen.

If you have to push the issue, do it calmly. If you have to have a third party do that then fine.. have a third party do it. When it's your time with the kids, they are your responsibility. When it's her time with them, they are hers. And you enforce that by NOT taking them every time she asks you to. On "her" day/time, she either takes care of them herself, or finds alternate care for them.

It is not whether about the sky is blue or grey...

Nope - it isn't at all. It's about your constant need to be right. I feel like in your mind, there's no way anyone else could have a different perspective from you that's still valid.

If this isn't something you want to work on in yourself or change about yourself then of course that's your choice, but it's something that I think is really hurting your interactions with others.

Perhaps I do try to convince her what the solution should be, because she doesn't provide a solution. Classic example. She is dropping the kids off at 4. What time can I be there. After 5. That isn't early enough. Ok, what do you want me to do. I just want you to tell me a time so I can tell my mother. Ok, the earliest I can be there is after 5.

Perfect.. you answered her question. Now she either finds a resolution to the problem, or knows the kids will be picked up after 5. This is where you had the option to end the conversation - politely say you need to go, have a meeting, whatever.

I told her do not schedule work Thursday nights because son and I have martial arts.

I know what's done is done but if you approach this differntly in the future it might work better. You ASK her not to work Thursday nights. "Telling" her pretty much got you the opposite of what you want because she's trying not to let you "control" her. Like a stubborn kid.. you tell them not to do something and of course, that's exactly what they do.

I don't know if it'll work or not, but I think you'll have a better shot if you "ask" instead of "tell."

My wife needs to take a little control of her situation here.

You'll feel a lot better when you drop "____ needs to..." (whether it's your wife or someone else). It implies both that you have control over the other person's situation, and that you have the only solution to the problem. If it's a problem for her, she'll figure it out. It's not a problem for her right now because there's no set schedule with the kids, when they are her responsibility only.

One because I can not control it. Two I'll just drive myself nuts. Three it just isn't worth feeling like crap over.

Hooray!! You are absolutely right on all these. I'm glad to see you recognizing that.

If I knew how to do something different I would try it. I'm all ears.

I know some of this is a repeat but a few ideas - I hope they help:

- Ice man - your idea, and an excellent one for when you do have contact with her.
- Get a set schedule in place for the kids.
- Don't let her bait you. If she starts going there, politely but quickly get off the phone (or out of the situation).
- Drop any expectations of her beyond what the law requires.
- Drop contact with her to the bare minimum.
- Don't contact her friends, family, etc.

And you can also work on cementing a few things in your head (I know, easier said than done, but keep chipping away at it):

- Her behavior is not always all about you.
- You aren't always right.
- Even when you are right, you don't always need to make the other person agree with you.
- Everyone's entitled to their own feelings and their own perspective.

Arguing with people on this board responding to my thread. I think I got every thread locked by a moderator. Because when people kick me I kick back harder.

As I just said... everyone's entitled to their own feelings and perspective. But from my perspective, and many here based on other replies, none of us are trying to "kick" you. There's no reason to "kick back." You're putting yourself in this victim role where anything anyone does is an attack on you.

I have spent a LOT of time thinking about your situation, how I might be able to help based on my own experience and others I've helped out here, wondering what might work for you. A lot of mental and emotional energy. And a lot of time to type this all out - again, ALL in hopes that it helps you. I can promise you, I wouldn't bother spending even 1/100th of this time and energy on "kicking" you or anyone else.

Try taking what's said in a positive light, knowing that it's meant out of caring and meant to help. It's not coming from your wife or from anyone who wishes you more hurt or harm. it's coming from people who care and want to help you. When you're not standing there with your foot tense and ready to kick... maybe you'll be able to see it differently.