Thanks TD- i am just in happy shock- i do expect him to pull back a bit and figure out what he wants to do...it was like the first time- i was more interested in cuddling and kissing and touching actually- thats good to know you had the same feelings...he was very happy to be with me but still guarded...
i will say that to him- in fact i wanted to send him a quick text message but not sure about that....
i will let him take the lead- i am actually freaked out that this is progressing and i want him home but at the same time there is still so much to clear up...
did you and your W talk about the things that need to be betetr in order for this to work before you came back or does that happen gradually?
if he says he wants to come home i want him back only if he says he will never leave again- this is our second time separated...first time was only a month long...i think he realizes how much he didnt see his part so now he is really looking at his own stuff.....
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
thanks LOST... so he can just show me or he should do both showing and telling? i think he is VERY aware that if recommits we will never go through this again...we have been able to say how painful it has been...very lightly...here and there...it wasnt like we had a dicussion about it but its very clear that he doesnt want to ever go through this again either...
another thing that DR says is that your spouse will have to SHOW genuine empathy for what they put you through....
how does this show up? probably in a million differnt ways...
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
did you and your W talk about the things that need to be betetr in order for this to work before you came back or does that happen gradually?
I think it is kind of depends up on the couple and what you feel you need. In my sitch there hasn't been any "formal" sit-down. I think we talked about things quite a bit prior to the sep without any real resoultion. Now we are kind of like...I know where I have been wrong , she knows where she has been wrong and we are letting our actions speak for themselves... which they have been. I think we have noticed the changes in each other and honestly any tension has pretty much just melted away....it is a very nice feeling
If you do have a talk I would make it more solution oriented, using a lot of "I" statements so as not to put either one on the defensive. You don't want it to turn into a blame game or a chicken and egg type thing.....the past is the past. You two seem to have very open conversations so this may work for you....don't force it though.
I am for the action approach, it might be better to view your H's actions instead of talking about them (of course rewarding good behavior). It sounds like he has started to take ownership for his part, you do the same for your part, and show your ownership through changes. I would uess you both know what got you to where you are now.
Quote:
if he says he wants to come home i want him back only if he says he will never leave again
Do you really expect to get this.....When you made your M vows weren't they saying the same thing? Even if he says them, he may mean them, but at the end of the day they are just words. Let his actions show.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
so he can just show me or he should do both showing and telling?
IMO, if he shows you and doesn't tell you, that's the holy grail. I think people say things sometimes so they don't have to actually do the work to walk that path. I know I have...
Originally Posted By: pisces9
another thing that DR says is that your spouse will have to SHOW genuine empathy for what they put you through....
how does this show up? probably in a million differnt ways...
I don't know, but that may take awhile, especially because there is so much guilt on the part of the WAS and the pain they caused.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
very true- my actions through this sep have changed as well and he has seen that which has allowed him to change...so i really dont need him to say he will never leave bc i will just have to TRUST him and know that he would never do this again...same for me- this DB behavior is how i will be forever...so its probably scary for him as well to see if this is "real"....
thanks for telling me about how you and your wife resolved things- i see it similar to my sitch...i would never do the blame game thing bc we did that at the begiing of all this for a few days so we both know EXCATLY what needs to change...luckily i have gotten over the "im not sure he can ever change" feelings...i know he can and he is showing me he can too...
ACTIONS - very true- that makes me feel better bc i agree 100%...i just wasnt sure if i should expect a movie line on a white horse with a hot air baloon ride into the sunset!
ha ha ha! i already feel ive gotten so much! im just really happy now...thanks TD- you made me feel much calmer!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
very true- my actions through this sep have changed as well and he has seen that which has allowed him to change...so i really dont need him to say he will never leave bc i will just have to TRUST him and know that he would never do this again...same for me- this DB behavior is how i will be forever...so its probably scary for him as well to see if this is "real"....
thanks for telling me about how you and your wife resolved things- i see it similar to my sitch...i would never do the blame game thing bc we did that at the begiing of all this for a few days so we both know EXCATLY what needs to change...luckily i have gotten over the "im not sure he can ever change" feelings...i know he can and he is showing me he can too...
ACTIONS - very true- that makes me feel better bc i agree 100%...i just wasnt sure if i should expect a movie line on a white horse with a hot air baloon ride into the sunset!
ha ha ha! i already feel ive gotten so much! im just really happy now...thanks TD- you made me feel much calmer!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
thanks LOST- i think he is showing me so much and i would rather this then him tell me...last night he was so tender and sweet and gentle..that is my H..so loving and sensitive...i am sooo overwhelmed with happiness today...smooches to everyone!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Wow!! Oh my gosh. I am so stinkin' happy for you. You have really done the DB to a tee, and it's paid off. We all can learn a lot from you. I think I FINALLY am getting it. Slowly but surely.
I am so glad it went so well, I was just waiting to get to read your update!
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
ACTIONS - very true- that makes me feel better bc i agree 100%...i just wasnt sure if i should expect a movie line on a white horse with a hot air baloon ride into the sunset!
If you get this....start writin a book and sel it to lifetime...I am sure they would make a movie out of it....lol
Pisces,
I think you really understand this.....The DB is a way of life in a lot of respects...it is a good way of life though. I doubt he would ever leave so much as long as you a re consistent in your actions and truly make the change...hence the reason the DB stresses doing this for you because if you can't make it a life style change then you are just using borrowed time.
Keep up the good work!
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
