FIB~ I am going to work it... ------------------------------------------------------------ I am doing well. MY internet service is not and so I am at the library posting. I feel very grateful and very blessed to be at this point in my relationship. To have transcended the old and going towards the new. MY H and I get along better than ever and although I will admit to still worrying some that the other shoe is going to fall. I am going to work on just enjoying what is and let go.
I was reading thru ta thread and it brought up alot of thoughts for me and I tried to post yesterday and it froze. So anyway... I must say I find it interesting that some men feel like a Woman says/thinks/ SHE~ is a MARTYR for stating noone could know how it feels, I stayed and prevailed. Whatever the case may be. If a man stays the general school of thought is WHAT AN IDIOT!~
I have been thinking of that a lot lately... In our circle of friends it is "BOY he is an idiot for staying with her after she cheated in him!?"
And " WOW she has put up with so much ".... ( Martyr)
I cant change people and I accept everyones point of view... but I do not want to be looked at as a MARTYR. My H had several affairs and I stayed . And I didnt stay to corner the market on martyrdom, nor because I couldnt get anyone else. I am a beautiful Woman. I have lots of goodies in my cookie JAR! I stayed b/c I loved my H. I was presented with .. MY H wants to leave , he is divorcing me and he is having yet another affair.
This was the last time for him of trying with me.... and he hid the affair as long as he could. When I discovered it and the Tattoo... I told him goodblye.. that I wouldnt be the OW while I was still his Wife.... I let him go and I told him what scares me the most is ..
" I LOVE YOU STILL!~" "But until she is out of the picture ,, I wish you well and hope one day you will call me and say .. I am Happy.. I am a happy MAN!" " All I ever wanted was to make you happy and I guess she does, so I wish you well and I will pray for you." NO tears, real and genuine. I will pray for your happiness....
Dilema? I am still in love with a man/ my husband who has completely and totally disrespected me. I am still in love with a man who has [censored] someone else....what on Gods green Earth does that make me? STUPID! I wrestled with that/// Am I really so stupid for loving him still? The pain was immense,,, sure I had a part... I was shut down... trying my best to ride out the bad part in our M... for better or worse. it had been stuck on worse for a long time........ a very long time. I used to cry myself to sleep. And I prayed for this.... Pray to God to love him less... take the pain away and to make him a real Man! Make him the Man who could put me before anything else, be my safe place to land. Be strong and vulnerable at the same time. Make love to me and really show me he loved me thru it....
To this..... But please make me not be stupid for loving this man still. Pray to for him to be a happy man... I prayed for that every day..."PLEASE MAKE HIM HAPPY." "if his happiness is not with me then so be it , but make please make him happy." Regardless of what others thought, I knew , I wanted to save this Marriage . I never stopped loving him.. I even felt sorry for him cause he was more lost than I was.
GOD~ answered my prayers ... he blessed me to look inside myself and change who I was. Regardless of who my H was going to be I needed to love myself. Loving him flaws and all was easy but loving myself wasn't.... and loving myself and being strong is what brought him back...... My H is happy now.. he really is.
Sounds corny , sounds easy,,, it is not! I had self esteem but I was taught to love him/my husband before myself... but I never knew I didnt have to keep doing it even when he deserved nothing.... I needed to re~learn everything.
He had felt sex starved for so long and used it as an excuse to cheat. Did me suddenly reawakening my sex drive save our Marriage? Is sex really the Miracle here? Is he cured becasue he if full? I dunno ,, and all I can do is keep moving forward and keep making love to him and [censored] him too. Doing my best to find the sexual being that I am. I was t HD~ when we met... 3 to 5 times a day at times and he was HD~ too. We had kids, [censored] happened we both were blind to what we were contributing to make this bad. I was in pain he was in pain and noone knew. So I am not a MARTYR and I am not stupid... and it has nothing to do with my level of intelligence. One can be smart as hell and in matter of the heart that all goes out the window... I am a Woman who did her best ....
I have been called a Saint though... now that is another post. All my best .. ~Ali
